Frustrated Dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2009
Frustrated Dad
2943
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 3:28am
I really need some opinions on my situation. I am a 30 year old dad with 3 children. I work 10-12 hrs a day 5 days a week and every other Saturday. I am pretty much a homebody, the only time I really go out is on Sundays during football season to watch the games. I do what i need to in order to support my wife and kids. But I am at wits end with my wife and need some help.
My wifes day is as follows. She wakes up any where from 10am - noon (which means 2 of our children (11 and 7) wake up feed themselves and walk to school) at which point she will got downstairs to the kitchen to light a cigarette and call her sister or best friend. During the 1/2hr to an hour that she is on the phone she will make (for herself)and drink about 3 cups of coffee. At around noon when the baby wakes up (11 months) she'll feed him change his diaper and set him on the floor and mostly ignore him as she calls her mother. Usually around 12:30 she'll head out to do errands leaving me with the baby until 1:30 when she'll get home so I can rush out to work where I'm 20 minutes away from and need to be in by 2.
Heres the thing i have no problem being the sole financial gainer in the house hold but I expect certain things. I guess thats the reason for this post to find out if my expectation are to lofty. I expect her to get up in the morning with the children make them breakfast help them pick out cloths make sure they have their homework and send them off to school( I would even help in the morning but i got sick of waking up in the morning while shes still sleeping when i was the one at work last night). I would like breakfast every once in a while made when i wake up i don't expect it but it would be nice. I would like the baby up before 11am I just don't think he should be sleeping that long. i expect laundry the be cleaned, folded and put away! The laundry in our house gets washed and dried them it usually ends up on the dining room table for half the day then it makes its way over to the living room where its folded and left on the couch for a day or two (is it to much to ask to have it put away). I expect the house clean! Cleaning the kitchen for her consist of of doing the dishes and mopping the floor! Cabinets, frig, counters, stove maybe once a month. Cleaning the dinning room consist of her wiping the table and vacuuming one area of the carpet. Bathroom, living room are cleaned in the same manner and the children's room and bedroom upstairs can go months without cleaning! I expect lunch made before i got to work! No breakfast and lunch not even a packed lunch/diner!I expect a home cooked diner for my children! Not pizza, macaroni or canned spaghetti!!! Is this to much to ask? i expect diner when I get home, real food not something she sends me on yoville or farmtown, which she's on until 2am!! DO I EXPECT TO MUCH? I thought these where to things a stay at home mom did? Are my expectations to old school? I need answers I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and I don't know how much longer I can last.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: daddy_gil
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 12:58pm

what does it matter whether he is telling her to contribute monetarily or to do more housework? he's a grown man and--more important--a father. he needs to step up

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
In reply to: daddy_gil
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 1:57pm
I don't consider my position in this matter to be that of defending the OP. I think it reasonable for married
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
In reply to: daddy_gil
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 2:02pm

"I'd hardly consider him to be a tyrant, perhaps misguided, but hardly a tyrant."

He said he wanted home cooked meal for his children at night AND when he got home 2AM, and for her to cook breakfast for the kids before they went to school AND to cook him breakfast when he got up at 11AM.

What is your definition of tyrant?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2001
In reply to: daddy_gil
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 2:12pm

One thing I noticed is that the poster was 30 and the oldest chld is 11.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
In reply to: daddy_gil
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 2:14pm

Wanting something that simple doesn't make one a tyrant....misguided yes, selfish? perhaps, but a tyrant? no. My definition of a tyrant would be someone like Saddam Hussein.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
In reply to: daddy_gil
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 2:29pm

I don't see the issue with the two breakfasts for a SAHM. I used to make three breakfasts a day when my husband got up at 5 and my kids got up at 8. And I have a job.

The expecting a meal at 2 am is too much though. But maybe she could leave him some leftovers to heat up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
In reply to: daddy_gil
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 2:34pm
I think it is the cumulative list of his expectations that set me off. Each individual thing isn't a big deal, but all together, darn that list is long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: daddy_gil
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 3:11pm

i get the impression you think i'm taking sides between the adults. the only "side" i'm taking is that of the kids. if they aren't getting enough sleep, if the older child is being forced to be the caregiver to the middle (or both of the younger children), if they aren't being provided a reasonably nutritious diet, etc., then the nice man ought pull up his big-boy panties and *provide his children* what they *need*--in the meantime, or in the long-term, if he can't

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2008
In reply to: daddy_gil
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 3:56pm

"The mom in the OP stays up past 2AM to be there for her DH when he gets home from work."


He didnt say that. He said that she is on the computer until 2am when he gets home. He wants her to have dinner ready for him when he gets home, but shes up anyway. Shes obviously not up with the baby if shes on the computer, and shes not doing anything for her Dh, so she could go to bed and get some extra rest.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
In reply to: daddy_gil
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 4:21pm

I agree. I think it would be reasonable to request that the kids are being cared for and that most of the household upkeep is taken care of, but I personally think that he should be able to make himself breakfast and reheat dinner for himself.

While I don't think the mom in this situation is managing to take care of these things, it sounds like something is wrong.

I also remember what it is like to care for a baby and try to get meals made, keep the house clean, care for my other kids and cook meals. Three of my four kids never slept through the night until they were a year old so I was exhausted. If I *was* pulling my fair share WRT to caring for the kids and the home, I'd be BENT if my dh also expected me to wake up in the middle of the night and serve him dinner.

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