Is is "hard" being a sahm?
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Is is "hard" being a sahm?
| Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm |
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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You've said over and over that money isn't a problem. You spend thousands on tutoring and piano lessons, but can't muster up gas money to find your kids a ride to school? You can't problem solve any better than that? The answer is "I can't do it myself, so it can't be done?" You're smarter than that. There is ALWAYS a different way to do things.
As for passing judgement, point out one post in this thread where you haven't shot down any suggestion that you might be able to do things differently. Point out one post where you have admitted that you might not have handled your marriage in the wisest way. Point out one post where you haven't laid the entire blame for everything wrong with your marriage at the feet of your husband.
Do that, and I'll agree that I'm "passing judgement". Until then, I'm just stating a fact about your posts.
I know you're angry, but I'm really not picking on you. I am trying to get you to realize that the situation isn't as one-sided as you think it is. Divorce is not going to fix as much as you think it is. You're counting on nothing changing. You're counting on your dh behaving the same way as your ex as he does as your spouse. He might, but odds are it's going to be a whole different ball game.
DH has done EVERYTHING around here for the past seven years. He is pretty much the sole breadwinner. (Most of my pay goes into covering insurance premiums and medications, and camp and aftercare for DS.) He gets everyone up in the morning, takes charge of DS except for about 90 minutes per day, deals with all of the school stuff, and things like birthday parties and doctor appts. for DS. He does almost all the cooking, most of the laundry, and all of the housecleaning that gets done (except the bathroom; for some reason it never occurs to him to clean bathrooms.) He arranges for all the home repair, does the grocery shopping and handles all the money management. He does all these things without being asked, and he almost never reproaches me for not helping, at least not out loud. He just looks at me with the saddest look on his face all the time. *I* on the other hand, spend all my time working. Jobs that used to take me 10 minutes to do well now take me seven hours to do adequately, and my short-term memory is a real problem; I lose track and have to start over all the time. Even if DH had health benefits, I can't be a SAHM because I can't handle DS without help; he runs rings around me. DH insists that I keep him apprised of all my movements at all times when I'm alone; he is afraid I will get confused and get in an accident. (Though that is actually not likely; I still have very fast reflexes and I drive almost by instinct; behind the wheel I'm sort of like Harry Potter on a broomstick; it's one of the few things I still can do well. That, and winning good Priceline deals (go figure))
I know that I'm incredibly lucky that DH tolerates my illness and takes care of me, and I really am very grateful. However, all this guilt and gratitude has become a millstone around my neck. It's like living with Father Teresa. I can NEVER measure up to him ever again, and I will owe him until the day that I die. These days, I don't feel entitled to ever disagree with any decision he makes, or even to question. (It's not that he demands that I don't question him, it's just that the weight of the guilt and the imbalance of our relationship makes it too impossible.) The resentment does come out in little ways, though. I'll "forget" to pick up milk on my way home, so that I have to go out and get it later, giving me the excuse to get out of the house again, and maybe get the bonus of dodging the supervision of DS' homework. I also make excuses so as to avoid going to bed until after DH is asleep, and find reasons to work late on a regular basis; anything to avoid those puppy-dog eyes.
You see, it's not that I blame DH for anything, though I did go through a long period when I was angry at him for talking me into parenthood before I was really ready for it. I don't actually hate him in a real sense, but he is a living reminder of everything that I've lost the ability to do. I hate the guilt, and I can't seem to control the impulse to take it out on him in petty ways occasionally. The thing is, I'm female, so outsiders don't consider it all that warped that I'm noticably dependent on my spouse. If I were a man, especially one who grew up in 50's, I'd probably be trying to outwardly excuse my paralysis and apparent detachment by blaming it on a controlling spouse who insists on having everything her way all the time.
Edited 5/19/2004 6:51 am ET ET by cocoapop
Edited 5/19/2004 2:51 am ET ET by cocoapop
I also think you're absolutely right that her DH likely feels like you do . . . .
I may be wrong but I don't think it is so much about trying to prevent her dd from performing below average at school, but it is more about not agreeing with the math curriculum (and possibly the reading curriculum) and trying to compensate for a school curriculum she thinks is inadequate and inappropriate for her dd's education. (And this is why it really steams CLW that her dh won't agree to private school!) I don't know how that adds to the overall discussion but since I did remember the math topic, I thought I would throw it in there.
Details, damn details. They can ruin a good debate...
The book was a red herring incidental to the real issue, which is that he resents his young wife and young children blithely spending the money that is needed for his old age. Two things tell me that this is the key. 1) He started a business and it failed, no? 2) His parents failed to provide the inheritance he was counting on.
With a personality such as you describe, I'm betting he's feeling really cheated out of a lifetime's money right now. This realization has made him jealous of every existing penny, and it probably is goading him to take out on his children his resentment of the mistreatment that he sees his own mother as handing to him. "Mom isn't giving me her money? Well then, I now need MY money for me; my kids have time to earn their own, but I don't, because I'm old, too. I wasted the money I had on my boys b/c I was counting on my Mom and my wife to supply me with the money I need to fund my old age; now they have let me down, so the kids (healthy kids, after all) will have to fend for themselves now."
He may not say that out loud, because it is seriously not PC; it's much safer to just say that he thinks they can manage without help.
Here's what I think the book was: I think he sincerely believes that you owe him compensation of some sort for insisting that he stay in the work force even though he has "served his time." You have already said that that you are not giving him money, so he was essentially circling something in a catalog; "If I have to keep putting up with the daily bullchit of the working world because you won't give on money, then here's something I'll take instead, something that won't cost you money. You *do* owe me something, after all, because it's all because of you and those kids that I have to stay in the workforce past my time."
I do think that you are projecting your childhood issues onto your eldest daughter just a bit too much. Based on your description of your DH's personality and your daughter's personality, it really sounds like she takes much more after him than you. Especially striking is the math thing; math was neglected in your childhood but mastering it turned out to be your ticket out of poverty, so yes, I understand why it holds such importance for you. The thing is, your children are not eating radishes, and with this whole career-plan you have mapped out so carefully, they never will be. They don't NEED a rocket-powered ticket out; they will not have to escape the gravitational field of poverty. A solid well-rounded education, in any subject, will allow them to make a decent living; it's possible to do that without being good at math.
Edited 5/19/2004 2:20 am ET ET by 6721ard
Edited to add a few cites: 12653.869 on Yamaha piano and her regrets that she couldn't travel back in time to put DD1 in it, DD2 already much better than DD1 at piano; 12606.466 on Sylvan probably hurting her DD1's grades because it's so different than the Everyday Math taught in the school, and how her ego is not all tied up in her DD's performance like SAHP's egos are; 12523.424, about how their family doesn't know the meaning of the term financial stress because their only arguments are over which stocks to put their DDs' college funds in, more on Everyday Math and how "we" are talking about moving to a school system an hour away and each parent might agree to the additional commuting or continuing with Sylvan so that "we" can avoid this math program, etc. etc. etc.
Edited 5/19/2004 2:27 am ET ET by cocoapop
Edited 5/19/2004 2:44 am ET ET by cocoapop
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