Is is "hard" being a sahm?

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Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
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Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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Avatar for taylormomma
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Registered: 03-23-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 11:47pm

You've said over and over that money isn't a problem. You spend thousands on tutoring and piano lessons, but can't muster up gas money to find your kids a ride to school? You can't problem solve any better than that? The answer is "I can't do it myself, so it can't be done?" You're smarter than that. There is ALWAYS a different way to do things.


As for passing judgement, point out one post in this thread where you haven't shot down any suggestion that you might be able to do things differently. Point out one post where you have admitted that you might not have handled your marriage in the wisest way. Point out one post where you haven't laid the entire blame for everything wrong with your marriage at the feet of your husband.


Do that, and I'll agree that I'm "passing judgement". Until then, I'm just stating a fact about your posts.


I know you're angry, but I'm really not picking on you. I am trying to get you to realize that the situation isn't as one-sided as you think it is. Divorce is not going to fix as much as you think it is. You're counting on nothing changing. You're counting on your dh behaving the same way as your ex as he does as your spouse. He might, but odds are it's going to be a whole different ball game.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:03am
Seeing as the kid has been through FOUR YEARS of piano lessons ALREADY you'd kinda think that she'd be over the "defeatist" attitude by now if piano lessons were really the magic bullet CLW thinks they are, wouldn't ya? And tutoring? The "she isn't failing. . .yet" strikes me as more than a little bit of drama from the mama, considering the kid's grades aren't even below average (see post 700). Her performance is just not good enough for CLW, see. Perhaps dad not wanting to drive the girl like his wife does is really what's healthy. CLW admits he'd be glad to see DD2, who enjoys it and has a natural talent, keep up the piano, he doesn't see the point with DD1, who doesn't particularly care for it and isn't particularly good. I'd imagine that for DD1 it's one more thing for mom to nag at her about and for little sis to show her up at.
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:11am
Who haven't I talked to? I've been to so many doctors that I can't remember all their names. All sorts of specialists, medical school grand rounds, the works. I've taken almost every medication on the market, but I have horrendous problems with medical side-effects. (I've gained 50 lbs. and ruined my teeth, among other things.) Nothing has worked so far. At this point I'm trying to learn to live with the reality that the medical establishment has thrown up its' collective hands and given up. Not having to hold down an outside job would help, but we need my benefits. (DH just took a job with more money, but they don't have benefits in this office.)

DH has done EVERYTHING around here for the past seven years. He is pretty much the sole breadwinner. (Most of my pay goes into covering insurance premiums and medications, and camp and aftercare for DS.) He gets everyone up in the morning, takes charge of DS except for about 90 minutes per day, deals with all of the school stuff, and things like birthday parties and doctor appts. for DS. He does almost all the cooking, most of the laundry, and all of the housecleaning that gets done (except the bathroom; for some reason it never occurs to him to clean bathrooms.) He arranges for all the home repair, does the grocery shopping and handles all the money management. He does all these things without being asked, and he almost never reproaches me for not helping, at least not out loud. He just looks at me with the saddest look on his face all the time. *I* on the other hand, spend all my time working. Jobs that used to take me 10 minutes to do well now take me seven hours to do adequately, and my short-term memory is a real problem; I lose track and have to start over all the time. Even if DH had health benefits, I can't be a SAHM because I can't handle DS without help; he runs rings around me. DH insists that I keep him apprised of all my movements at all times when I'm alone; he is afraid I will get confused and get in an accident. (Though that is actually not likely; I still have very fast reflexes and I drive almost by instinct; behind the wheel I'm sort of like Harry Potter on a broomstick; it's one of the few things I still can do well. That, and winning good Priceline deals (go figure))

I know that I'm incredibly lucky that DH tolerates my illness and takes care of me, and I really am very grateful. However, all this guilt and gratitude has become a millstone around my neck. It's like living with Father Teresa. I can NEVER measure up to him ever again, and I will owe him until the day that I die. These days, I don't feel entitled to ever disagree with any decision he makes, or even to question. (It's not that he demands that I don't question him, it's just that the weight of the guilt and the imbalance of our relationship makes it too impossible.) The resentment does come out in little ways, though. I'll "forget" to pick up milk on my way home, so that I have to go out and get it later, giving me the excuse to get out of the house again, and maybe get the bonus of dodging the supervision of DS' homework. I also make excuses so as to avoid going to bed until after DH is asleep, and find reasons to work late on a regular basis; anything to avoid those puppy-dog eyes.

You see, it's not that I blame DH for anything, though I did go through a long period when I was angry at him for talking me into parenthood before I was really ready for it. I don't actually hate him in a real sense, but he is a living reminder of everything that I've lost the ability to do. I hate the guilt, and I can't seem to control the impulse to take it out on him in petty ways occasionally. The thing is, I'm female, so outsiders don't consider it all that warped that I'm noticably dependent on my spouse. If I were a man, especially one who grew up in 50's, I'd probably be trying to outwardly excuse my paralysis and apparent detachment by blaming it on a controlling spouse who insists on having everything her way all the time.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:22am
The "issues" the "children" are having, though, are all DD1's issues, and are only "issues" to CLW. DD2 is a happy camper playing the piano and excelling in school, both parents all warm and fuzzy about her continuing with all that. DD1, OTOH, is an "average" student with no particular talent at the piano, despite having taken lessons for FOUR YEARS already. Her average - repeat, AVERAGE, not even below average - grades (see post 700) are not satisfactory to CLW, and that plus her disagreement with the math program - and only the math program - recently adopted at their school is why DD1's being packed off to expensive tutors and piano lessons - because to CLW, "average" performance from a 9 YO kid means hovering on the brink of high school/college disaster. Her DH doesn't see the point in making this ONE daughter do either math tutoring (which does nothing positive WRT her grades in her current math curriculum, see post 12606.466) OR the piano, which she does not enjoy, any further. According to her, just several months back, he was willing to consider the possibility of moving an hour away from his current job in order to have her in a district which did not have this math curriculum (see post 12523.424). Something changed his mind, and unlike his wife, who is majorly PO'd at him for her own reasons, I'm just not going to chalk it up to him being lazy or uncaring. You know, it might just be that she's the type of kid who would do beautifully in chef school, or design, or library science, or court reporting, or athletic endeavors. Why CLW feels compelled to force her DD to be excel at math, and take piano to maximize her math potential, is beyond me. Good god, I'm all for extracurriculars, but the kid is 9 and ought to ENJOY and have some say in what she does.


Edited 5/19/2004 6:51 am ET ET by cocoapop
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:34am
You've been misled by the dramatic language. She's a solid AVERAGE student being sent to expensive tutoring only because CLW doesn't like the way math is taught at their school, not becuase she's in any danger of failing anything - at least, not until she hits college level math.


Edited 5/19/2004 2:51 am ET ET by cocoapop
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:44am
Look, the daughter who has already been subjected to four years of piano lessons to build her math skills and who she's packing off to exorbitantly expensive tutors to prevent her from "failing" is not even below average in grades. She sounds like a nine year old kid with a little sister who routinely kicks her behind both in piano and in school, just like mommy likes, I'd think that would get a little tedious for her, perhaps she needs to find something where SHE can shine without mom standing over her shoulder telling her what to do all the time. (God help her if her gift turns out to be something traditionally feminine, LOL.) CLW says the dad enjoys having DD2 continue the piano, she's very promising at it. DD1, she's done it for four years already, she has no particular interest or aptitude, he thinks it's not worth making her do it and that there's no "issue" requiring tutoring for her, either. Heck, even O123 thinks maybe he and she would enjoy going to soccer together rather than all this Maximize Your Potential business.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:54am
Holy crap, how frustrating for both of you. I'm so sorry you are all going through this. It's this kind of thing that makes me absolutely crazy that we don't have national health care coverage and that even if you do have coverage, mental health issues are often not treated with the seriousness with which they deserve to be.

I also think you're absolutely right that her DH likely feels like you do . . . .

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Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:10am
Oh my God, I can't believe I'm doing this but I think I have some information that will help you understand why CLW cares so much about the tutoring. I remember a while back she was asking about a new kind of math curriculum, here we call it the new-new math (it may also be called Investigations/Connections or TERC), which her local public school district was adopting (and has adopted I must conclude, because CLW must be sending her dd to tutoring to "counter" the effects of the new-new math.) I knew all about it because one of my good friends had dropped everything on her docket to fight against the new-new math in her suburban school district. People with backgrounds in science and math feel very passionately about this new-new math. They are very threatened by the idea that their children will go to school and not be required to use standard computational methods, learn formulas, or even use standard terminology. The fear is that by the time these children get to college, they will be at a huge disadvantage from the children who got a traditional math background. (E.g., consider showing up at a college level math course never having used the formula for the area of a sphere.) If I remember correctly, when it was all explained to CLW she vowed she would pull her kids out of public school so fast our eyes would be spinning so I knew she was very upset about the new-new math. (Too lazy to search for the post but it exists.)

I may be wrong but I don't think it is so much about trying to prevent her dd from performing below average at school, but it is more about not agreeing with the math curriculum (and possibly the reading curriculum) and trying to compensate for a school curriculum she thinks is inadequate and inappropriate for her dd's education. (And this is why it really steams CLW that her dh won't agree to private school!) I don't know how that adds to the overall discussion but since I did remember the math topic, I thought I would throw it in there.

Details, damn details. They can ruin a good debate...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:35am
Ah HA! Lightbulb time. This is ALL about money and age, and the fear of losing a living standard. For BOTH of you, though it's much more immediate for your DH.

The book was a red herring incidental to the real issue, which is that he resents his young wife and young children blithely spending the money that is needed for his old age. Two things tell me that this is the key. 1) He started a business and it failed, no? 2) His parents failed to provide the inheritance he was counting on.

With a personality such as you describe, I'm betting he's feeling really cheated out of a lifetime's money right now. This realization has made him jealous of every existing penny, and it probably is goading him to take out on his children his resentment of the mistreatment that he sees his own mother as handing to him. "Mom isn't giving me her money? Well then, I now need MY money for me; my kids have time to earn their own, but I don't, because I'm old, too. I wasted the money I had on my boys b/c I was counting on my Mom and my wife to supply me with the money I need to fund my old age; now they have let me down, so the kids (healthy kids, after all) will have to fend for themselves now."

He may not say that out loud, because it is seriously not PC; it's much safer to just say that he thinks they can manage without help.

Here's what I think the book was: I think he sincerely believes that you owe him compensation of some sort for insisting that he stay in the work force even though he has "served his time." You have already said that that you are not giving him money, so he was essentially circling something in a catalog; "If I have to keep putting up with the daily bullchit of the working world because you won't give on money, then here's something I'll take instead, something that won't cost you money. You *do* owe me something, after all, because it's all because of you and those kids that I have to stay in the workforce past my time."

I do think that you are projecting your childhood issues onto your eldest daughter just a bit too much. Based on your description of your DH's personality and your daughter's personality, it really sounds like she takes much more after him than you. Especially striking is the math thing; math was neglected in your childhood but mastering it turned out to be your ticket out of poverty, so yes, I understand why it holds such importance for you. The thing is, your children are not eating radishes, and with this whole career-plan you have mapped out so carefully, they never will be. They don't NEED a rocket-powered ticket out; they will not have to escape the gravitational field of poverty. A solid well-rounded education, in any subject, will allow them to make a decent living; it's possible to do that without being good at math.





Edited 5/19/2004 2:20 am ET ET by 6721ard

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 2:12am
You're absolutely right, I remember all that too, and remember she thought the tutoring would actually likely LOWER her DD's grades because Sylvan would be teaching it in a different way than her school would be, but damn it, her daughter was going to learn math the "right" way, yadda yadda yadda. But regardless, IMO all the language about her DD needing tutoring and DH just being content to let her "fail" is incredibly misleading when the DD's not remotely close to failing nor remotely close to failing to learn. She's just not learning math the way CLW wants it taught. Apparently her DH is not as threatened by new new math, at least not for this daughter, or at least doesn't think it's worth spending large sums of money to avoid when their school system is generally quite good, per CLW in an earlier post.

Edited to add a few cites: 12653.869 on Yamaha piano and her regrets that she couldn't travel back in time to put DD1 in it, DD2 already much better than DD1 at piano; 12606.466 on Sylvan probably hurting her DD1's grades because it's so different than the Everyday Math taught in the school, and how her ego is not all tied up in her DD's performance like SAHP's egos are; 12523.424, about how their family doesn't know the meaning of the term financial stress because their only arguments are over which stocks to put their DDs' college funds in, more on Everyday Math and how "we" are talking about moving to a school system an hour away and each parent might agree to the additional commuting or continuing with Sylvan so that "we" can avoid this math program, etc. etc. etc.

Edited 5/19/2004 2:27 am ET ET by cocoapop


Edited 5/19/2004 2:44 am ET ET by cocoapop

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