Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:34am

No, the problem is Mommy living as if Little Bobbie doesn't exist and only his paycheck matters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:34am
Your next door neighbour can rightfully choose to help you enact your life plan and meet your goals - or not - based on whether he agrees with you and wants to help - or not. And vice versa. But not you and your husband. You don't have that feedom. You are married.

The reason you have a problem in your scenario - is your husband doesn't want anything done that pertains to anyone but himself. Trust me, he's not unique. Many husband are that way out of the box. It might be too late for yours. But its worth a shot. DEMAND an alternative to the piano lessons, the Sylvan, you schooling. Everything. That DOESN'T ammount to DO NOTHING. Then YOU can run your daughter to soccer when you'd rather not and your husband can run her to piano when he'd rather not. Take a piece of paper. Compose a numbered list of options 1)status quo live our life plans independantly whereby I do it all, he does nothing 2)husband gets onside with me and helps with my plan 3)husband gets invovled and actually contributes constructively to life plan and we get invovled in each others plans 4)separate and live our own plans with less frustration

Cross out 1) in red and make it perfectly CLEAR that 1) is NO LONGER an option.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:35am
"The beatings will continue until morale improves."

Why *must* she be "held accountable" for an activity she dislikes and didn't choose?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:45am
No, he's bad. He isn't invovled with any part of family life that doesn't pertain specifically to him. Totally egocentric. They aren't fighting over piano vs gymnastics. Private school vs private tutoring. Her retraining in a new profession or the family moving elsewhere where her existing training provides more stability. He's not offering any alternatives other than do nothing. His only concern - HE needs more time and attention from Mommy, I mean Wife. Check out their life. He wants more time and attention...HE is the one who can provide it without asking HER to do anything more. But he isn't even willing to do that. He's effectively competeing with his sibblings, I mean his kids for his Mommy's, I mean his Wife's, attention. Ludicrous. Adult husbands don't compete with Kids for what is time and attention is available. They go about making it possible for more to be available to them. Yep. Adults. You want something...put in the effort. His wife isn't busy persuing her recreation and social life (golfing) for her own personal fullfillment. She is outward focused on the needs of the family. He isn't. He needs to get with the program - or get out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:56am
Hopefully that can happen, because I guarantee you, no judge in the world will curtail a parent's visitation on a given night or nights because the child has piano lessons.

And until you get the final order, I wouldn't bank on that 50%. You have NO idea what the judge will decide, and unless you plan on being muzzled in the court room odds are VERY good the judge will see and disapprove of your intransigence on issues (like the ones you've been discussing) that are REALLY minor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:00am
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A workable enjoyable marriage to an actual adult can be gained. Because he's not a preprogramed robot. People CAN learn and wake up with perspective tomorrow, that they didn't have today. All you are doing by not giving it a shot - is not giving the marriage the chance. The best part - its a QUICK adjustment and you have NOTHING to loose. No years of playing psychotherapist to an adult male whose life experiences haven't *done right* by him. This works, or it doesn't. Quickly. The reason I think you have a chance - is becasue from what you said of YOUR husband's reaction to YOUR reaction over the book...he's potentially on the edge of adult hood right now and just waiting to be shoved over the cliff into the world of adults. Or you know, not. But you can easily find out. If it works - its the means to your end of being married to someone who will WILLINGLY do stuff for other than himself. Whether you announce the hatchet or not, its over your husband's head now. Which is where it should be. But you either tie him up so he can't do a thing and let the hatchet fall...or you give him a clear option - get out of the way of the hatchet, or the hatchet is coming down. You define where "out of the way of the hatchet" is. You currently have the power, which you can wield passively, or agressively. Same power though, no way around that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:03am

And here is the crux of it


Is being a single parent doing what is right for the children?

SUS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:03am
Perhaps it's high time I tell you what I AGREE with you on. First, that whatever the merits of his issues with you, handing you that book was offensive, colossally bad judgment, and counterproductive. I'm not at all surprised you're really upset about that. I've never read it (although I am quite sure that its ultimate point is the nonsurprising advice with which you actually agree, more flies are caught with honey) but that he seems to have thought it would improve things to give it to YOU shows at the very least that he has no idea to whom he is married. Secondly, I applaud you heartily for really researching what it is your DDs are being taught and how, and for realizing that math education is an important thing too often neglected with girls. Furthermore, I have no reason to assume that he's actually right in thinking that your DD's piano lessons or tutoring is not worth the time and expense, or that the "school of hard knocks" is the best approach to take WRT the lack of perseverance you perceive.

That said, the pain you are obviously in at present and your own very painful issues from your own past seem to be seriously affecting your POV WRT both your DH and your DDs. You are (understandably) eager to portray your DH in the most negative light possible and in doing so are probably unconsciously having to paint your DD as being a disaster in the making - I mean, in November you boasted of how good her school was and her performance in it, and the Sylvan was only to address issues you felt weren't going to be adequately addressed in the new math program. You were talking about how you AND your DH were seriously considering private school, continuing the tutoring, or even moving to a different school district even though it would mean an hour extra commute for you both. Now, the minute you need DH to be the bad guy, the girl "can't read" and is "limping along" and her school "simply doesn't care about" her and all the teachers don't know what they are doing. And you present it as a fact that your DD is in an emergency situation, your DH has never cared one whit about his daughters because they're girls, he's lazy, he resents spending money for selfish reasons, etc. etc. etc. You mention how upsetting it was to you that you struggled with school during and after your parents' divorce and say that your DD is just like you and you don't want her to go through that, without any apparent realization that the best way to avoid the result you fear (having her struggle like you did) likely has little to do with tutoring and everything to do with AVOIDING THE DIVORCED PARENT SITUATION you went through.

By no means do I think you're a bad person or parent. In fact I think you're a very GOOD person and CARING parent who is likely on the verge of making disastrously bad decisions out of pain and resentment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:05am
Right. It would be one thing if dd1 *liked* piano; talent or no, if she's having fun, by all means, keep at it. But she's not. 4 years should be enough for an outside interest she dislikes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:06am
I think they'll regret not having the chance to persue an activities (remember hes not willing to do anything). They'll probably really regret who Dad didn't *let* Mom retrain and then she lost her job and couldn't find a new one and life became a living h*ll in their teenage years. And they'll probably be wondering why Mom and Dad stayed married in such a one sided relationship. Heck, I know plenty of people my age who wonder why the h*ll their parents are still together. The saddest I've heard ( a few times ) is along the line of "My Dad really held my Mom back...when he's gone she's going to have a whole new life". Who needs it.

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