Is is "hard" being a sahm?
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Is is "hard" being a sahm?
| Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm |
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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No, the problem is Mommy living as if Little Bobbie doesn't exist and only his paycheck matters.
The reason you have a problem in your scenario - is your husband doesn't want anything done that pertains to anyone but himself. Trust me, he's not unique. Many husband are that way out of the box. It might be too late for yours. But its worth a shot. DEMAND an alternative to the piano lessons, the Sylvan, you schooling. Everything. That DOESN'T ammount to DO NOTHING. Then YOU can run your daughter to soccer when you'd rather not and your husband can run her to piano when he'd rather not. Take a piece of paper. Compose a numbered list of options 1)status quo live our life plans independantly whereby I do it all, he does nothing 2)husband gets onside with me and helps with my plan 3)husband gets invovled and actually contributes constructively to life plan and we get invovled in each others plans 4)separate and live our own plans with less frustration
Cross out 1) in red and make it perfectly CLEAR that 1) is NO LONGER an option.
Why *must* she be "held accountable" for an activity she dislikes and didn't choose?
And until you get the final order, I wouldn't bank on that 50%. You have NO idea what the judge will decide, and unless you plan on being muzzled in the court room odds are VERY good the judge will see and disapprove of your intransigence on issues (like the ones you've been discussing) that are REALLY minor.
A workable enjoyable marriage to an actual adult can be gained. Because he's not a preprogramed robot. People CAN learn and wake up with perspective tomorrow, that they didn't have today. All you are doing by not giving it a shot - is not giving the marriage the chance. The best part - its a QUICK adjustment and you have NOTHING to loose. No years of playing psychotherapist to an adult male whose life experiences haven't *done right* by him. This works, or it doesn't. Quickly. The reason I think you have a chance - is becasue from what you said of YOUR husband's reaction to YOUR reaction over the book...he's potentially on the edge of adult hood right now and just waiting to be shoved over the cliff into the world of adults. Or you know, not. But you can easily find out. If it works - its the means to your end of being married to someone who will WILLINGLY do stuff for other than himself. Whether you announce the hatchet or not, its over your husband's head now. Which is where it should be. But you either tie him up so he can't do a thing and let the hatchet fall...or you give him a clear option - get out of the way of the hatchet, or the hatchet is coming down. You define where "out of the way of the hatchet" is. You currently have the power, which you can wield passively, or agressively. Same power though, no way around that.
And here is the crux of it
Is being a single parent doing what is right for the children?
SUS
That said, the pain you are obviously in at present and your own very painful issues from your own past seem to be seriously affecting your POV WRT both your DH and your DDs. You are (understandably) eager to portray your DH in the most negative light possible and in doing so are probably unconsciously having to paint your DD as being a disaster in the making - I mean, in November you boasted of how good her school was and her performance in it, and the Sylvan was only to address issues you felt weren't going to be adequately addressed in the new math program. You were talking about how you AND your DH were seriously considering private school, continuing the tutoring, or even moving to a different school district even though it would mean an hour extra commute for you both. Now, the minute you need DH to be the bad guy, the girl "can't read" and is "limping along" and her school "simply doesn't care about" her and all the teachers don't know what they are doing. And you present it as a fact that your DD is in an emergency situation, your DH has never cared one whit about his daughters because they're girls, he's lazy, he resents spending money for selfish reasons, etc. etc. etc. You mention how upsetting it was to you that you struggled with school during and after your parents' divorce and say that your DD is just like you and you don't want her to go through that, without any apparent realization that the best way to avoid the result you fear (having her struggle like you did) likely has little to do with tutoring and everything to do with AVOIDING THE DIVORCED PARENT SITUATION you went through.
By no means do I think you're a bad person or parent. In fact I think you're a very GOOD person and CARING parent who is likely on the verge of making disastrously bad decisions out of pain and resentment.
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