Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:21pm
Since they're not, nothing. People here, who know nothing about how we live, are making them a much bigger deal than they are. Of all the activities I do with the girls, this one is of the least concern WRT dh. At one time, he was dd's piano partner. Dh wants me home more to cater to his ego. I pointed out the things I do and that I'm not going to be home more and people ran off and told me I HAVE to have dd just quit becuase THIS is causing my divorce. Nope. Not even close. My going back to school is likely the biggest contributor to the situation at home. The only activity that dh has singled out is dd's tutoring. He knows his mom would ream him a new a$$hole if he said anything about my being back in school and dh will not argue with his mother. If any of my activities are to blame, it's my schooling. The one thing everyone seems to be in agreement I shoudln't quit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:25pm
No, with the girls 2 years apart, there's no real comparison to her sister. In fact, her sister kind of motivates her. Dd showed no interest in composition until her sister started composing (we're talking a 6 yo's composition here not Claire de Lune). She'll sometimes tinker on the piano and then I'll help her add accompanyment. Call it mothers intuition but I have a funny feeling next year is going to surprise both of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:28pm
Nope, my girls don't compete. There is no need for that. My dd's are who they are. Dd has asked about her sister and I just tell her she inherited my grandfathers talent. Then I tell her that people like she and I have to work a little harder at it. Dd#1 is about as talented as me which is not very but she could learn to play well. Dd#2 has the potential to make the piano dance like my grandfather could. Just because my girls are in the same activity, at different levels, doesn't mean they're in competition. Besides, sooner or later you have to learn that not everyone is equally blessed. Unfortunately, for dd#1 her blessings are her face and figure. That girl has legs up to thar and she's only 9!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:44pm
Do we have to point it out to you that it is common for people to plan on retiring together or within a certain amount of time of one another? Many of the things people like to do in retirement require a spouse who is also retired.

Where were you all these years he was failing to plan? Did you not predict this happening? I am a bossy enough wife to say to my dh, "Hey, what the hell are you doing here? Don't you ever want to retire?" I can't imagine you wouldn't have said the same.

Do you not enjoy working? I am having a hard time understanding why you so resent having your dh take an early retirement if you enjoy working. Or is it more that you don't want to support him in his retirement? What would your dh do in retirement?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:46pm
You said you had a retirement plan (by "plan" here, I don't mean the fund, but literally a plan, as in "here is what we should be able to do"). You even gave us two target dates, dependent upon which job you have at the time. If your accounts are joint, it stands to reason that your retirement plans would be also. By "allow", I meant, when does the savings plan say that there would be sufficient monies accumulated to allow your household to begin drawing on the accounts? (Please, humor me and pretend for a minute that you're not comtemplating divorce.)

What I'm getting at here is that you have a concrete goal date in terms of your age--does he? Or is the goal set so high that there is no feasible way for him to ever earn enough to reach it? If that's it, that's a kind of Sisyphus' torture, and if so, it's not wonder he's cracking under it. It would be downright cruel to have joint retirement investments but tell one spouse that even though the cookie jar has his name on it, he won't be permitted to put his hand in the cookie jar, and never will be, no matter how hard he works to earn that privilege.

What would have happened if he had been hit by a city bus 5 years ago; would you have been labeling containers in the fridge so that it was clear what food each of you had paid for and was therefore allowed to eat? I know that's an extreme example, but that's how you are coming across. It sounds like you are saying, "I don't care how old you are or how sick you might get, anytime you are not actually bringing in money, you don't get to live here." Surely you would not have forced that if he got laid off or hurt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:48pm
I have a question for you. If your MIL died and left your dh with a decent amount of cash, how would that affect your situation? Would it solve all your problems with dh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 11:01pm
Oh I don't know... he's in computers right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 11:08pm
I agree... and then they get to my mom, who teaches middle school algebra, where they have now decided that ALL 8th graders are to take algebra regardless of skill, and she wonders what she is supposed to do because they can hardly multiply, and don't know a fraction from the hole in their... pants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 11:10pm
My dh is the same way, except he says "Tell me what you need me to do as if I am a kindergartner"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 11:26pm
I agree that you don't "owe" him early retirement, but I would think that if the plan was for him to work for 5.5 more years, you could have possibly offered to work out a framework to help him shorten that to, say, 3.5. If SS is all he is expecting, and your joint retirement income budget required him to get full benefits, then he could not actually start drawing on those benefits until he reached full retirement age. However, you could have said to him, "As I see it, we would need to add X dollars to our retirement nest egg in the next 36 months in order to make it possible for you to retire at 60, including the savings in aftercare costs that we'll realize by having you available to get the girls after school. That extra savings will have to be there to replace your income until you reach full retirement age. I can free up enough of the budget to contribute 10% of what would be needed, but you'll have to come up with the rest by the time you turn 60, or there won't be enough money. What is your plan to come up with it, and what impact is your plan going to have on the children and the household routine?"

THAT is an example of communicating about the situation and coming up with a compromise. Even if he falls short of performing his part of the contract and doesn't get to retire at 60, the mere fact that you were willing to help him even just a bit toward his goal would have been worth something in terms of mutual respect. The sort of scenario where one spouse gives a little in order to help the other get something that is important to him/her. It's the same sort of compromise as when a woman who wants to be a SAHM agrees to move to a smaller and less expensive house so that the mortgage won't suck up every dime her husband earns.

Haven't you two EVER had this sort of conversation? If your answer is no, my next question is going to be, what on EARTH were you smoking when you decided it was a good idea to be married to this person, let alone have children with him?



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