Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:12pm
VERY IMPORTANT POST! Sorry for shouting. I just wanted to highlight the above post as important reading for grimalkins.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:25pm
So the answer is "at least 74, but maybe 79", (the age he would be when you hit 62/67)?

No wonder he's depressed; I would be, too. According to most actuarial tables, he's unlikely to live long enough to ever see it.

I'm confused about why you would stop contributing to your retirement accounts after he retires, if you're still working? That would punish you, too, in multiple ways. Or do you mean you would stop contributing to the joint account at that point and open a separate account just for yourself, since you don't live in a community property state?

It seems to me that, because of the disparity in your ages and income, and also the fact that he has other children, the thing to do would be to create a trust setup for your daughters' education; one they can share equally. You would set your own schedule of contributions to increase the size of it for as long as you were able, and neither of you would be able to raid it for any other purpose but educational expenses, at any level.

Now then, I want to point out one last thing. About that business of shortchanging the retirement funding for the sake of the educational funding. I don't think it's a good idea. There are grants and low-interest loans available for education, but not for old age. Though your DH's spin on it certainly sounds crass; there is a kernel of truth there; they CAN manage college on their own, with help from the government. However, no one is going to help them pay for their parents' rent and utility bills, let alone medications and health-care deductibles. You two HAVE to come up with a way, separately or together, to make sure that your kids are not going to have to financially support you when you are old. (Granted, his other kids have this shadow over them, too, but that doesn't lessen how repugnant it is.) Believe me, of all the ways my mother shortchanged her children, this one was the absolute worst. She lived to be 87, and was in a wheelchair for the last 10 years. WE were her retirement plan. She had a survivor's pension from my father, but she lost half the benefits when I finished college; therefore, my siblings and I had to make up the difference. The pension was $300/month; which didn't even cover the deductibles for her meds, let alone her rent and utilities. Between us, we had to spend a total of $86,000 to maintain her for the rest of her life and bury her, even though she qualified for medicaid nursing home space for the final 7 yrs. of her life. I wasn't able to put any serious money toward my own retirement until her death, and I was 36 at that point. My oldest sister was 58. Now she's facing her own retirement short of funds, because that 15 years between 43 and 58 was the period that she would have been putting the greatest amounts into her own nest egg had she not had to funnel so much to Mom. Paying for your own education isn't fun, but you do get something concrete in return; you can't so easily say that about having to pay your Dad's electric bill.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:27pm
Yell, well you know what? The burden of trying to manage life with an adult who has all the self direction skills of a kindergartener can be very draining. You should be looking carefully at underlying lurking issues that may be there. Its a very common and unforunate way of husbands telling wives "Look, I've got myself to worry about and consider. Don't be expecting me to consider anyone else. You want something done, at least do me the courtesy of spelling it out for me, to make my life easier. As I've said, I am busy with being concerned about myself and my immediate needs." They are kindergarteners all right, but not interms of what they can manage to be responsible for and figure out, but in terms of where they think their responsibility lies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:28pm
Excellent, excellent post. You said exactly what I was thinking, and much more eloquently. Unfortunately, I have a feeling your message will fall on deaf ears....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:38pm
Why don't you sue? (Not just you, but a collective group of parents/taxpayers.) If the school board has made a decision that is broadly detrimental to test scores and student progress, then that will cost you state and federal funding. You can sue over that; it's negligence. You could try to get the program removed, or perhaps adjusted so that there is an alternative program available, too.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:06pm
So no curriculum should EVER change? That seems silly. I don't understand how a parent couldn't understand the EDM homework. It's not that hard (IMO). I have had K-4 so far.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:16pm
In case you need a laugh, I spent yesterday evening at an NRA dinner (part of that being supportive to one's spouse thang).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:17pm
Running is running to YOU. Piano is not soccer to the CHILD.

Now, are you doing this RUNNING TO PIANO for your benefit, or the childs?

Believe me...I have a very accomplished young lady in my house. She can do back flippy things and front flippy things and and kick soccer balls into soccer nets even when half a dozen other little girls are in her way trying to stop her. She can spend 20hrs a week working to improve her soccer and gym skills. Happily. Martial arts and piano mind you, become mind boggling torture at about 32 seconds/week.

Look. If you want to redecorate your daughter's room and suggest that she spend her Saturday helping you, rather than playing outside, because the end result will be for her benefit, she might fuss. You might insist she do it anyway. You have options. You can proceed to have her help you re-decorate HER room according to YOUR tastes. Or you can proceed to have her help you decorate HER room in a way that HER OWN tastes are reflected. Unless her tastes match yours, she learns very different things in each scenario. There is room for both...but you might want to offer the lesson about how sometimes in a family you just have to do un-fun stuff just because it will make something somewhere better for someone else...by having her help YOU decorate YOUR room to YOUR tastes. And let her learn the rest of the lesson - about what exactly she was working to provide for you - by letting her do her room her way and seeing what it provides for her. But both parts need to be there. You can't have her do HER room YOUR way and expect alot of positive out of that. Its certainly no way to kill both birds with one stone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:37pm
This is really sad. Hello people. He's a GROWN MAN. How the heck did it become HER responsiblity to work out the compromise for HIS benefit? This example is not that of a WIFE communicating with a HUSBAND. Its a wife taking on far to much responsibility for the adult component of a marital relationship. THIS conversation coming from the one not receiving direct benefit for the compromise, might be appropriate in terms of an parent helping an 18yr old think through the options and ramifications for funding this or that type of post secondary education. If Mr Grimalkinskeeper can't be bothered figuring out some alternatives, why the heck should MRs Grimalkinskeeper be obligated to do it FOR him.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:39pm
You poor thing. I feel for you. DH has been trying to get me to one for ages. He'll be so jealous when I tell him you went to one.

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