Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:04pm
And what painful thing do you get to drag him to next?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:04pm

I am curious - is there anything your less motivated daughter really LOVES? Surely she must be passionate about SOMETHING?


Mondo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:08pm
Not true....<< Not only will the parent that does the lion share of the work have to double it >>

No, thats not true. And I found out by accident. When on person is shouldering most of the responsibility in a relationship...its exactly like shouldering. If there is an adult around who isn't contributing...and who is in fact being piggy backed along, by the responsible adult - losing his physical daily presence does not cause more work. It causes less. Especially when the piggy backing is practical as well as emmotional.

Even love cannot make up for that when it is bad enough. It is perfectly possible for one adult to add burden, and provide very little support to an overall relationship and situation. If the beast of burden has a very strong back...this can go on for a good long time before the strain starts to have a negative effect. In my case the burden found a job in another city...and I was amazed at how much easier and nicer my life got. He did not have to be in my house parked on my back for me to feel love for him, or love from him. That happened just fine when he was 4 hrs away in another city, home on weekends. When he had an opportunity to transfer back...he was shocked at my response. Because it wasn't YEY. It was, if you come back to live daily with me I expect your adult feet squarely on the ground HELPING me shoulder our shared adult responsibilities. I don't mean you just get OFF my back, I MEAN, you get off my back and then you take some of this other burden I have to lighten MY load, and carry it around yourself. We can lean on each other when required, we can carry each other when necessary (NECESSARY) but I am just done with piggy backing you around as a given part of my daily life. Practically, and emmotionally. And don't tell me about your aching feet, you'll get used to it. That ride is over. Take it or leave it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:10pm
MANY TIMES. Dh is a dreamer. He was going to get rich like his dad. His 50th birthday was a major episode with depression because by 50 his dad was a millionaire and he wasn't. However, his dad actually WORKED towards that goal. Dh never did. It was supposed to fall in his lap. Not that I think he needed to. I just think he needs to get real about finances. I have repeatedly said he needed a 401k and to stay somewhere long enough to get a pension but each new job move was going to be THE move that made him rich. He's run out of moves.

What I didn't see coming was dh thinking he could still retire early without having planned to retire early. IMO, such a request is assinine. I didn't see it coming because I thought it such a stupid request that no one in their right mind would make it. I saw that dh wouldn't be able to retire any time soon. He apprently didn't want to see that. As I said, he thinks things should just fall in his lap. When they don't, he gets depressed. Which is a BIG part of the reason it bugs him so I'm back in school. I have no doubt he's trying to make my life miserable so I'll quit. He gets to retire much sooner if his wife is an engineer than a teacher in his mind although it's not true. I would have less income but greater job security as a teacher. That long term job security is what would allow him to retire faster. If I am reasonably assured of keeping my job, I'd be a whole lot more open to the idea of him retiring but he's not going to do it until he has some sort of retirement income coming in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:25pm
It was a perfect illustration of the actual problem...not a solution to it. That being...the husband hasn't bothered to offer any other idea on how they could manage what he wants for him. Its not a big planning issue. Its a willingness to look for a solution issue. And he has none. That is why their marriage has problems. He's expecting her to make everything happen for him. If he can't have it its because she won't let him. It can only go on so long. Her back is probably strong, but even the strongest backs tire. He either gets his adult feet squarely on the ground and starts helping her piggy back around some of their adult responsiblities, or he's going to get thrown off. I believe she should offer him the choice - does he want to get down, and start walking and take some of the load off her back, or does he want to get tossed off - because the ride is over. But thats about all. Before her knees buckle and they're all on the ground. Doesn't really matter why he's up there at this point - he HAS to get off. He should not have been up their whining about how uncomfortable he was was she lugged him around...period. If thats all he's capable of he doesn't belong in an adult relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:32pm
Piano lessons do not cause divorces. In this case what you effectively have is a husband who is jealous of the time his wife is spending on the children and herself because he wants more of her time for himself. Now that will cause divorces.

In the particular case, I really don't know how this would play out in councelling or court...I can't see any other response than "Well Mr. Griamlkinskeeper, after reviewing your family weekly calendar, we suggest that you golf less and do all the kid drop off an pick ups, as you don't have many anyhow. Your wife will then have more time available, some of which she may then be able to spend with you. Why don't you try it and see how it goes.".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:37pm
Man oh man. You totally missed the point of OP123's post. It would be a really good idea to find (to help dd find) something that she is naturally good at- something that SHE picks, not that you pick. Because right now it sounds like she's being defined as the less talented, less smart sibling. You saying "that's just a fact of life" is not helping her. Finding something where she NATURALLY excells would be helping her. There must be something out there that showcases her strengths, not her weaknesses. OP123 suggested sports. She could be right. Or maybe it's art, or drama or something, anything, where her natural talent (she must have one) comes to the foreground.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:45pm

I am very sensitive about this too. My mom married a guy 12 years younger than she. She never asked him to pay the mortgage (us kids were half grown and my dad had nearly payed off the house before dying), only asked that he pay utilities, and save money for himself because when she dies the house goes to us kids, not HIM.


Well, in 20 years he has suffered depression, has failed

Mondo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:47pm
NOW LISTEN TO YOURSELF

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EXACTLY...please stop setting her up to so explicity fail in music in comparison to her talented younger sister. She needs to find something where she can shine. You aren't helping her. What you are doing is capatilizing on her weaknesses. You can keep the music...but find something where she can feel like she's really GOOD at it. The whole "judge thy results only in terms of thy on effort in terms of thy own potential" is a nice idea and maybe after she gets her phD in psych, she'll be ready to act on it. If she was your only kid in piano you COULD use her accomplishments, average or otherwise, to boost her confidence...but she isn't. Not only is she not the only one, she's the untalented one, and the untalented on in something MOM thinks is important to boot. And THAT is not a trival fact here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 5:00pm
But he isn't your father, is he? Imagine if he was. Would you want your Mom to dump him?

Sometimes we love people who are not really good people, and if we are children, we don't get to choose our parents. So when we get stuck with parents who cannot take care of themselves, we find ourselves having to respect and make peace with people to whom we otherwise would not give the time of day. If they are charming and fun (as many people of this personality type are) we tend to find them very lovable, and it is hard to be hard on them.

As it happens, my MIL's second husband was one of these, too. (She was a widow.) He actually went so far as to marry her before his last divorce was quite final. In the end she became one of 5 ex-wives who realized that he was just a con. He has 8 children, and he has never really supported any of them except on what a woman not their mother cared to give them.

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