Is is "hard" being a sahm?
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Is is "hard" being a sahm?
| Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm |
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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I am curious - is there anything your less motivated daughter really LOVES? Surely she must be passionate about SOMETHING?
Mondo
No, thats not true. And I found out by accident. When on person is shouldering most of the responsibility in a relationship...its exactly like shouldering. If there is an adult around who isn't contributing...and who is in fact being piggy backed along, by the responsible adult - losing his physical daily presence does not cause more work. It causes less. Especially when the piggy backing is practical as well as emmotional.
Even love cannot make up for that when it is bad enough. It is perfectly possible for one adult to add burden, and provide very little support to an overall relationship and situation. If the beast of burden has a very strong back...this can go on for a good long time before the strain starts to have a negative effect. In my case the burden found a job in another city...and I was amazed at how much easier and nicer my life got. He did not have to be in my house parked on my back for me to feel love for him, or love from him. That happened just fine when he was 4 hrs away in another city, home on weekends. When he had an opportunity to transfer back...he was shocked at my response. Because it wasn't YEY. It was, if you come back to live daily with me I expect your adult feet squarely on the ground HELPING me shoulder our shared adult responsibilities. I don't mean you just get OFF my back, I MEAN, you get off my back and then you take some of this other burden I have to lighten MY load, and carry it around yourself. We can lean on each other when required, we can carry each other when necessary (NECESSARY) but I am just done with piggy backing you around as a given part of my daily life. Practically, and emmotionally. And don't tell me about your aching feet, you'll get used to it. That ride is over. Take it or leave it.
What I didn't see coming was dh thinking he could still retire early without having planned to retire early. IMO, such a request is assinine. I didn't see it coming because I thought it such a stupid request that no one in their right mind would make it. I saw that dh wouldn't be able to retire any time soon. He apprently didn't want to see that. As I said, he thinks things should just fall in his lap. When they don't, he gets depressed. Which is a BIG part of the reason it bugs him so I'm back in school. I have no doubt he's trying to make my life miserable so I'll quit. He gets to retire much sooner if his wife is an engineer than a teacher in his mind although it's not true. I would have less income but greater job security as a teacher. That long term job security is what would allow him to retire faster. If I am reasonably assured of keeping my job, I'd be a whole lot more open to the idea of him retiring but he's not going to do it until he has some sort of retirement income coming in.
In the particular case, I really don't know how this would play out in councelling or court...I can't see any other response than "Well Mr. Griamlkinskeeper, after reviewing your family weekly calendar, we suggest that you golf less and do all the kid drop off an pick ups, as you don't have many anyhow. Your wife will then have more time available, some of which she may then be able to spend with you. Why don't you try it and see how it goes.".
I am very sensitive about this too. My mom married a guy 12 years younger than she. She never asked him to pay the mortgage (us kids were half grown and my dad had nearly payed off the house before dying), only asked that he pay utilities, and save money for himself because when she dies the house goes to us kids, not HIM.
Well, in 20 years he has suffered depression, has failed
Mondo
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EXACTLY...please stop setting her up to so explicity fail in music in comparison to her talented younger sister. She needs to find something where she can shine. You aren't helping her. What you are doing is capatilizing on her weaknesses. You can keep the music...but find something where she can feel like she's really GOOD at it. The whole "judge thy results only in terms of thy on effort in terms of thy own potential" is a nice idea and maybe after she gets her phD in psych, she'll be ready to act on it. If she was your only kid in piano you COULD use her accomplishments, average or otherwise, to boost her confidence...but she isn't. Not only is she not the only one, she's the untalented one, and the untalented on in something MOM thinks is important to boot. And THAT is not a trival fact here.
Sometimes we love people who are not really good people, and if we are children, we don't get to choose our parents. So when we get stuck with parents who cannot take care of themselves, we find ourselves having to respect and make peace with people to whom we otherwise would not give the time of day. If they are charming and fun (as many people of this personality type are) we tend to find them very lovable, and it is hard to be hard on them.
As it happens, my MIL's second husband was one of these, too. (She was a widow.) He actually went so far as to marry her before his last divorce was quite final. In the end she became one of 5 ex-wives who realized that he was just a con. He has 8 children, and he has never really supported any of them except on what a woman not their mother cared to give them.
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