Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:24pm
Dd is basically lazy. Trust me. She will pick nothing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:27pm
She ISN'T failing!!! Has it even dawned on you that most of her classmates are right about her level? Sure there's the occasional child who excels but most are just like her! You're painting a competition between her and her sister that doesn't even exist. The only competition I see is in her class. She's not going to feel like a failure when she's able to keep up with the rest of the kids in her class. It's not just her and her sister. It's their classes too.

Talk about black and white. She either beats her sister or she fails. There is a LOT of grey area in between those two choices. There is personal success in addition to winning competitions. We're not all destined to win competitions.


Edited 5/20/2004 8:29 pm ET ET by grimalkinskeeper

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:50pm
I'll let you know if I ever meet one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:09pm
What you do is help older dd find an activity at which she naturally excells. Not an activity that YOU choose for her because you think it's good for her, but one she chooses for herself. So far, you have mentioned only piano lessons (which she is only adequate at and doesn't enjoy) and Sylvan tutoring. Both of these things are trying to shore up weaknesses. What does she/could she do that would address her strengths? Because having a child spend her time primarily trying to address her weaknesses will make her feel like weakness is all she's got.

There must be something out there where she isn't 1)less talented than her sister and 2)actually so good at it that she EXCELLs, rather than having to slog. Everybody has a strength. I'm really with OP123 on this one that she needs something that plays to her strengths. Not just acgtivities to fix her weakness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:15pm
So we flit to activity after activity and teach her that if she doesn't EXCEL at something, she shouldn't do it?? Sorry, I have enough on my plate without having to go through the activity of the month club to see if she happens to excel at something. I doubt she will. Not all kids excel at something and, so far, there's no indication she does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:25pm
I find it hard to believe that a child is not motivated to do ANYTHING. But I find it easy to believe she's not motivated to pick from a short menu of mom-approved things. You said she could pick another instrument. What if she doesn't want to play an instrument at all? What if her real strength lies elsewhere in an activity that's off your radar. Sports. Drama. Art. Crafts. There are so many things out there.

When I was an elementary school kid, the music teacher called my mom to implore her to make me take violin. I had a good sense of pitch, long fingers (they really are), and manual dexterity. My mom said there was no point unless I wanted to and she wasn't going to make me. And she didn't. But when I showed an abiding interest in biology and spent a lot of time looking at plants under a magnifying glass, my parents bought me a microscope. Now I'm a microbiologist. My parents made the right decision. They didn't try to guess (or let a music teacher guess) where I should be headed. They waited till I showed them.

Maybe older dd just seems like a quitter because she hasn't been doing things that play to her strengths and interests. Everybody has strengths and interests, but they wont always be the ones a parent would assume (ask any man who became a hairdresser).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:42pm
"Not all kids excel at something and, so far, there's no indication she does." Dang! Nothing. Not anything? Everybody excells at SOMETHING. Everybody has some interest. That you think there's no indication she excels at anything just means she hasn't found it yet. Or it's something you would never approve of so it's off the radar.

Flitting from one activity to another might just be the only way to find the what she DOES excel at. If you really, truly belive there's no indication she excels at anything, that's a shame. And wrong. Because everybody has a strength.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:48pm
Having strentghs and excelling are two different things. While everyone has their strong points, they aren't necessarily strong enough to excell at something. So far, it's been difficult to get dd to put any effort into anything. She's way too timid about trying new things which is why she's opting to stay with the piano rather than take a different instrument in the fall.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:50pm
Music is an important part of education. She can choose the instrument but cannot choose none. Just like she'll choose a foriegn language. I don't care which one she chooses but she will take one. There are certain things that are just too beneficial not to do and musical training is one of them.
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 11:00pm

Actions do speak louder than words, and your actions have told him that you don't need him. So why would he make an effort to help you do what you have told him you are just fine doing on your own?


Look, I've been where you are. I was married to a man who is pretty much a clone of your dh. And that marriage ended, just as yours is going to end, because the two of you have reached the point of no return. Trust me when I say I understand how frustrated and hurt and resentful and fed up you are with the whole shebang. BUT you absolutely need to open up your eyes and be realistic about the part you have played in the death of your marriage. It's not about blame or who is wrong and who is right or whose 'fault' it is. It's about recognizing a dynamic that was established right from the beginning.


One of the wisest things my counselor ever said was "We always dance the same dance, no matter how many times we change partners". You need to recognize the steps or you're going to end up down the road in exactly the same situation, because patterns are ingrained in us and they are very, very, hard to break. You will find a man who seems like everything your current husband is not and then realize five years later that you married the SAME MAN. Not because you are dumb or blind, but because we get imprinted early on with what we are drawn to.


But you know the good news? You can be perfectly happy with that man who is really the same man. Because if you make the effort now to get into your your dh's mind

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