Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
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Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:05am
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How about both of your kids are just plain average.

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Lack of talent in music isn't a personal difficulty. A B average isn't a personal difficulty. Not rating in the very superior range in all aspects of an IQ evaluation does not define a personal difficulty.

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You're making up excuses. You are the one saying "ALL". Everyone else is saying your "ALL" isn't complete. Your all is missing the critical element of reward.

<,And I wonder why we have a self indulgent society!! Listen to yourself. You declare things that are known to matter as not mattering because you don't want them to matter. Things that enhance IQ and math science ability and creative talent are to be dismissed if the child wouldn't have chosen them on their own? I don't think so. My dd wouldn't choose to go to school on her own. Should we dismiss that?? >>

You know what matters. It matters that your B student knows that the Bs are very worthwhile if they are achieved with effort. And it matters that she have a forum to learn that school and academic achievement (where due to family dynamics she'll always feel second rate) isn't all that matters and that she too can do really well at something. The world is built to accomodate her and you AREN'T letting it happen. You seem to think that a sense of "being good at something" for her can only be achieved by "being the best out there" anway - so why bother. What a defeatest attitude. Her most important competition is IN the family. All she needs to have is a forum to achieve where her sister isn't outshining her, and of secondary importance where she isn't the absolute worst performer on the team or in the group or whatever. Certainly you can find something for her where she won't be the absolute worst? Like she is in the family and the array of activities (school and music) you've defined as her universe of experience?

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You don't stack the deck by making a kid work only at things where the child never gets any sence of true achievement and reward and only learns that no matter how hard she works she can never be "good at" anything. I assure you of one thing. This inferiority complex you are giving her, she will use daily for the rest of her life. No worries there. You aren't wasting your time.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:06am

Tired drama queen theatrics. Sing a different song. Get some empathy, and then get a clue.


By the way, I agree your marriage is over.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:19am

<<Ok so both of my kids are just plain stupid.>>


As opposed to only one of them?


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If you say so. I certainly didn't.


<<All that matters is you enjoy what you do.>>


If you say so. I certainly didn't.


<<Gotcha!>>


No, not really.


<<Listen to yourself. You declare things that are known to matter as not mattering because you don't want them to matter. >>


Why wouldn't I want them to matter? Pardon me, but you haven't exactly established a track record of exhibiting even a basic understanding of fundamental human psychology, so trying to claim you know what anyone else it thinking is pretty laughable.


I didn't say IQ didn't matter. I said that there are activities in which a 30 point IQ difference isn't going to have an impact.


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No. No one has suggested your younger dd give up piano, and she didn't choose that on her own. I'm curious if IRL you have this same habit of taking a focused, specific suggestion and not only generalizing it to everyone in the universe but then hyperbolizing it to the extreme. Reminds me of the time I asked my dh to please not put my silk shirt in the dryer and he replied with "Fine, then, I just won't do any laundry ever again." It's a classic passive-agressive response, by the way.


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And there are things we can do, like you are doing, that actually stack the deck against them, even if they are done with the best of intentions.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:22am
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Right. Like I said. Disaster. You're parents did a fantastic job then, of leading you to believe that because you couldn't do what your sister did in music, you couldn't do what your sister did. Period. You have to work harder and accept less. GREAT perspective on life. What say you do what you can to eke out another perspective for your kid? Look at ya. Totally focused on where you didn't excel as a kid (school and music) no clue that maybe, just maybe, there was something where you really could have been "good at".

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No by my logic, as the kids are stuck with school and one is wildly outshing the other, its important for you to find a way to let the lesser student discover another way to find a sense of achievement. IT IS ALL RELATIVE and in childhood, firstly relative to the sibblings and especially relative to the sibblings in terms of what the family defines as important. IF your child were a B student with 4 sibs who could barely get Cs...guess what? If your child were a A student in regular programming with 4 sibs who'd made the gifted program...guess what? It matters. Hugely.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:38am

You know, I'm starting to worry because I've agreed with just about everything you've posted the last two days.


I'm wondering about the IQ scores as well. DD1 is supposedly above average (and based on hints CLW has dropped the last year, not just barely above) yet DD2 has a 30 point lead.


So, for dd1's IQ to be high enough to really have a significant impact on her achievement (particularly in school) it would have to be in the mid 120's (and I'm lowballing here) to the mid 130's. That would put dd2 at the mid 150's or higher.


Given that the difference between an IQ of 100 and one of 125 is insignificant compared to the difference between an IQ of 125 and one of 155, their relative IQs most certainly become a non-issue. CLW doesn't have to "do" anything about her children's IQs - and she certainly doesn't have to be concerned about raising either of them 3-5 points.


Throw in the fact that an IQ score at age 6 is a fairly meaningless number to begin with, and the whole argument is simply bizarre.


Honestly, this whole thread is making me sad. CLW has some serious self-esteem issues that she is trying to fix by "fixing" her oldest dd.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:43am
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You know, they get past that when they discover a sense of enjoyment and/or accomplishment. You don't let them quit.

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So let her start something and use your intelligence as a parent of find something she might like. Ok. We know school and music already have big ugly red marks beside them for reasons everyone in the world except you can understand. Move on. You can move on and replace, or add. But move on. So look at the facts. She likes recess. Whats at recess? At recess are kids playing. Uhhuh. Kids playing. Not sitting still focusing probably, but really random social activity. Ok, where can she go where she can play with kids? Well, not music or sylvan. Art class? Probalby not? Skiing, skating, gymnastics, martial arts? Hmmm. Not not so much. Eventually yes it becomes very social but it doesn't start out like that. Uh-huh! Basketball. Baseball(well maybe not...that one is HARD to learn). Soccer. Hockey! Oh joy. The world may just hold something for this kid afterall! Try a team sport. Be big about it. Be enthusiastic. Go over the edge...tell her uncle so-and-so or someone noticed her doing something that maed him think she might be good at whatever - she's got a great - whatever. Get her extra tutoring at the start so she can catch up. Get her out to practice. Get her together outside of practice and games with team mates. Make yourself some new adult friends. See if she's fired by that sort of social challenge, team comraderie, competition, achievement. Since she's starting at 0 she can't help but accomplish initially. If you put this kid in say soccer, put the other in skating. Just keep them apart. They need athletic activity anyway - above average health and fitness level at 35 will do more for them than any extr 3-5 IQ points ever will.

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Congratulations, you have a kid! The real problem with the array of "something" you've defined is it requires only effort and provides no fun or sense of accomplishment for this kid.

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Get PAST it. Not wanting to music = wanting to do nothing? Its a lot bigger world than that.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:48am

Choosing to do nothing out of a fear of failure is not laziness. I didn't say she would choose to do something. It wasn't even on the edge of a tangent of a passing thought of my post. Are you using some sort of random sentence generator to reply to my posts?


And how sad that you still haven't said one positive thing about your dd. I guess she's too much like you for you to see any good in her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:51am
You can wipe out the benefit of ANYTHING. And that is what you are doing with this music thing. You have it strcutured in your child's life in such a way that whatever extra IQ points she might aquire won't matter. Because she's learning that trying is a waste of time - and she's not as good as her sister. Its not only the xtra IQ points she won't be using...she'll be wasting a bunch of them. Its more difficult than you seem to realize, to "stack the deck" in favour of your kids. Its not as easy as forcing them to take music and language come hell or hight water. Its alot more difficult and complicated than that. That is only a starting point...its not the whole deal. And in most cases, its not enough. In your case, its so not enough, its scary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:58am
Why would she want to pick yet something else to work hard at to confirm that she is always inferior to her sister? Now that is something more created than born. You had the power to avoid it almost altogther. You still have the power to fix it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 9:01am
You created a child who is defeated before she starts. From all she knows of life and effort, she IS defeated before she starts. You keep throwing her in things where she can't do as well as her sister. Who cares what you think. The kid thinks she's defeated when she's trumped by the sister. Redefine her universe and maybe she won't be so defeatist about things.

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