Is is "hard" being a sahm?
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Is is "hard" being a sahm?
| Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm |
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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Don't get me wrong, I've had some time during my AH parenthood in which I felt the same way. It can be downright overwhelming with multiple young children. I think as soon as I figured out that I did have options, my AH life got much easier. The morning idea is just one option - if you either can't afford an occasional babysitter, don't have relatives in the area, or know anyone else who you'd like to swap parenting time with. Now that my kids are a little older and less dependent, I feel almost like I *cheat* my AH time, because I know I can pick up something new and novel like a coloring book or a puzzle, and while they spend time working on that, I can do something like read through 100 messageboard posts while having an afternoon coffee like I am doing at this exact very moment, LOL!
If I could make another suggestion... try making *errand* day or whatever a joined effort with a friend. My SIL has a newborn, and I've made an effort to pick her up on my way out to do things, allowing her to make a quickie run in to pick up a prescription while I stay in the car with the sleeping baby - or just by helping her out a bit in the middle of the store, by keeping her 2 year old occupied while she feeds baby, or has to do a diaper change, or even take turns holding baby when he just needs some cuddle time that isn't conducive to shopping or whatever! This helps me at times as well, like last week we had a picnic at the park - she helped keep an eye on ds while I took dd to the restroom. Very small things like not having to interupt a child in play to go potty really helps!
I think everyone wins with a little investment in themselves. My dh, for example, spends on average 45 minutes, directly home from work reading. This helps him unwind and really spend some good time with the family. On the days this is missing, he doesn't seem to enjoy it as much.
"Most dads of 3 children appreciate a little help from mom in the morning, so I won't deprive him of that"
You are sounding a little bit like a matyr. I don't know if you mean to but, according to your posts, your DH is unavailable from 7:30 in the morning to 9:00 or later at night. That is 14 hours a day. He needs help in the morning with three kids. What about you? You are alone with them for 14 hours a day. I think you need to take some time to yourself and deprive your DH of your help. A little alone time with his children won't kill him and the kids might enjoy it.
If he can't manage three children on his own for one hour a day, then he should not have had that many children.
&nbs
PumpkinAngel
If anything, the wohm and sahm can both forego a shower, hair, makeup and chores so that she can read, do errands, shop, etc. Why is the sahm supposed to forego those? My point has always been, I would love a lunch hr. It's all in the timing and it's all in the child-free nature of the break. If I had that hr break between the morning's work as a sahm and the evening's work as a sahm, I'd say sah is easier than woh. It's not a criticism of woh. It's a flaw in the sah system. But some wohms get a little too defensive on this board.
In other words, you don't actually have a relaxed 1 to 1.5 hours in the morning to spend together: you get up at 6:30 and get yourself ready in the 1 hour your dh has availabe in the morning to spend time with his family (he has to start getting ready at 7:30). So you tag-team the kids while the other gets ready...doesn't sound particularly relaxed to me. And if I recall correctly, he gets home about 9pm, just in time for you to collapse in bed. I do have to wonder as well when you actually have time during the week to be together, either alone or with the kids.
" Apparently, according to Texigan, I have 3.5 free hrs in the a.m. and am a whining martyr because I don't have a lunch hr. "
I have to be brutally honest and say that you have never presented being a SAHM as a particularly positive experience for you: you have in the past claimed that you were miserable 80% of the time and you spend a LOT of time talking about how hard everything is all the time. Since you still insist that SAH is best for you and the kids, it does have a ring or martyrdom to it ("I am miserable, life is hard, but I'll put up with it all because it is best for the kids"). There are plenty of ways to get alone time, you choose not to take it.
This part thoroughly confuses me:
" Most children would be concerned if mom didn't show up in the a.m. Most dads of 3 children appreciate a little help from mom in the morning, so I won't deprive him of that. He works hard. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding my now 1 yr-old. (still working on decreasing that). "
Why would most children be concerned if dad is right there to take care of them and they know that mom is just resting?? She clearly hasn't disappeared and I can't for the life of me imagine why the kids should be concerned because she is not there dealing with their needs every second when there is a perfectly capable parent (in the form of dad) to do it. Why would most dads appreciate (or rather need) help doing something they expect moms to do on their own? Are we seriously back to the idea that men are somehow naturally less capable of dealing with children? I'll have to pass that memo on to all of the fathers I know who are currently on paternity leave (many with multiple children). He works hard...so what? Don't you work hard too? Isn't that the point of your posts? In fact, don't you work harder than he does because he gets cushy breaks? Even more reason for him to pitch in the mornings and give you a break. I breastfed both of my kids for over 2 years, and yet dh was still capable of taking care of them in mornings for an hour or two, why does bf make that impossible?
"Unlike other sahms, we are out the door soon after DH leaves. I pride myself on turning off the tv (lots of sah children get too much of it), and we are off and running, getting fresh air, enjoying."
Again, your choice. You could choose to have leisurely mornings at home and go out in the afternoons. Is there some reason why being at home equals having the tv on? My kids always had plenty to do and to entertain themselves with when they were at home in the mornings, and it rarely involved tv.
" I SAId from the beginning, if I had a lunch hr alone, I'd say sah was easier than woh. I never said wohms have it easy bc of lunch hr. Some wohms are just a little too defensive."
No, many WOHMs are pointing out that they don't necessarily have a lunch hour to themselves every day. And many SAHMs and former SAHMs are pointing out that it was perfectly possible for them to get some alone time most days even with small children around. You personally may not be able to manage a break every day (by choice), but that says nothing about the general experiences of SAH or WOH parents.
Laura
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The only time I forego those was when I was recovering from a c-section with ds1 or the first few weeks when ds2 was born and ds1 was under two.
PumpkinAngel
<> That's your opinion. I disagree. My DH is more than generous in his support of getting outside help. Again, it's just not my way.
<> First, he does and can manage the 3 on his own for that 1 hr each day, and certainly more. In fact, that may be more than some husbands do in the morning and the night. But, the key is that he "appreciates" my presence. Why wouldn't he? I'm the mom. Also, it's not nice to imply my DH and I shouldn't have that many children - for whatever reason you suggest. You may not know the entire story from my posts, and it's just bad form to discuss the # of children someone has in a light that suggests she had too many. If you were truly correct, what then? See what I'm saying?
"I'm glad that worked for you. Most children would be concerned if mom didn't show up in the a.m. Most dads of 3 children appreciate a little help from mom in the morning, so I won't deprive him of that. He works hard."
But you do show up, kiss them good morning and then disappear.
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