Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 9:22am
You know, something just jumped out at me, that made me think we aren't getting the entire picture.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 9:30am

I havent posted in regards to this but now I am taking an issue with it.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 9:35am
In defense of grima I see the fact that her DH did that as an issue in itself. There is a big difference between a wife choosing to read the book herself and having it given to her by her DH with the "important" parts highlighted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 9:39am
I see it in another light.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 10:08am
I agree that communication is an issue but this is certainly not the way to open that channel.

I have not read the book but I assume that like most books of its kind the main point is that if you do things for your spouse then it is also for you because they then will be happier and reciprocate. So maybe if he felt that he needed more attention then he should have followed the advice in the book instead of telling her to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 10:22am

It sounds as though you're trying to make this into a black and white issue, with one extreme vs. another, and no middle ground. That's not how any successful marriage I know of works. Why would trying to make one's DH happy automatically mean that a wife has no thought of herself?


There's some kind of saying about love that goes (paraphrasing here): Love is when the other person's happiness is more important to you than your own. Now, if you view that as a one-sided, black or white statement, then it sounds as though our own happiness is *not* important at all, and that we must bow to the happiness of our spouse on each and every issue in our lives in order to truly show love. But I don't think that's what is being said at all. To me, that statement goes both

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 10:26am
I just wish I could believe that dh's efforts to try and turn things around weren't financially motivated. Look at the past. He never tried to change anything. Just handed me a book about how *I* was supposed to make it happen FOR him. Now I'm supposed to believe he's seen the error of his ways??? I'm stuck in "is he really sorry or only sorry he pushed me too far?" I feel like he's only sorry what he tried didn't work and sorry that it resulted in me seeing a lawyer. I feel very strongly about children and divorce. Dh knows I'd never file unless I felt the impact of continuing the marriage would be worse than the impact of a divorce. Right now I think the rold model I'd be if I stayed in this marriage is far worse for my dd's than a divorce would be. At least they'll see their mother as a person and not a thing to be used to keep dh happy. Dh has shown, when he bought the book, that, as far as he's concerned, the only person that matters in this house is him and how HE can be taken care of. How do you get around that?

If I thought he were sincere, I would try but I just don't. Buying that book says his only concern WRT to me is how I can please him. I told him point blank with the schedule I keep it ought to be HIM worried about ME not the other way around (at the moment I have so much on my plate that there are days that I couldn't do what I do and sleep at night without Xanax and my dh is worried about me not doing enough to keep HIM happy??? Something is wrong with this picture!). I don't care that he doesn't worry about my having bit off more than I can chew (no choice if I want my family to have security in the future) because I'm a big girl and can take care of myself and I know this is temporary, but don't gripe to me about what I'm not doing for you when I can't even find time to take care of myself!!! This whole episode has made me realize how little he really cares for me. I'm here for his convenience and I'm not taking care of that now (poor baby it's all about him). Can a marriage get any more pathetic than that? What kind of message do I send to my dd's if I stay in a marriage where my function is seeing to dh's happiness?? Not a good one IMO.

How do you fix things when your dh thinks YOU'RE the thing that's broken anyway? I am not broken. I don't need fixing. What I am is very busy (which dh could help with but chooses not to. Which is his choice as he, certainly, doesn't owe it to me to help me juggle what I've chosen to take on.). I get done what I have to get done and to hell with the rest. The last thing I need is to have to worry about what dh thinks and how it impacts dh's happiness right now, lol. Besides, happiness is a choice not something someone hands you. If something is important to you it's up to YOU to make it happen NOT hand someone else instructions for making it happen for you.

Right now, I'm in the process of making my life what I want it to be WRT my family's future. Dh accepts that these changes must be made but doesn't like them (he knows I need to make a career change for job security sake but wishes I'd choose a higher paying career than teaching to switch to.). I'm working full time and going to grad school with two kids who need homework done, to be taken to piano lessons and practiced with and to have mom find some time to have fun with them while they're little. Dh could choose to help and create more time for us as a couple but he chooses not to. It's in his power to change things but instead, *I'M* supposed to just add more to my plate in that I'm now supposed to cater to his happiness as well. I don't think so. This is a two way street. If he wants to help with the hectic schedule I have to make more time for us as a couple, great. I'm open to that as I'd love to slow down a bit, but I'm not about to add more to my plate just to please him.

I still can't believe that any man in his right mind would buy that book for his wife. What an insult. What it says is "Hey you. You're not what *I* want you to be and this marriage is all about what *I* want so you get about to chaning NOW". I can't believe anyone who has read the book would recommend a dh getting it either. When you slap someone in the face like that, you can expect a bad reaction.

I'm still not sure what's going ot happen here. I really wish he'd just find someone else. At least that way both of us will want the divorce instead of me being the bad guy. I'm half tempted to throw a test his way and ask him to take over some of running the kids around in the fall to lighten my schedule. I wonder if he'd do it? Probably not given that he sees it as my job to see to his happiness and not the other way around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 11:23am

But the assumption is still that the PhD that she holds is in a field related to marriage and family therapy. . .and it isn't. . .it's in physiology (not even CLOSE to a human services field).


At least Dr. Phil, like him or hate him, has a PhD in psychology. . .and has much more reason to call himself "Dr." in the context of a self-help/advice program than does Dr. Laura. . .


Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 11:32am

I can totally see your point.

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Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 11:32am

Huh?

Virgo
 

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