Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:06pm

BWAHASAHAHAHAHAHA . . .that I don't have a marriage with 'big problems'. . .


My marriage is what it is because my husband and I have faced BIG problems and figured out a way to TALK through them. . .to work through them. . .


My husband's done stupid, idiotic things too.

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:06pm
Did you ever wonder if HE desired to make HER happy???? my view is skewed right now, but dh has done NOTHING to make me happy -- and right now there is no way in heck i would do something "just" to please him.

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:10pm
do you wonder what her dh does for HER to make her happy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:29pm
Actually worse. If dh had my schedule, you're damned right I'd be trying to help him with it but not because I consider it my responsbility. Because it's a hard row to hoe. Heck, I'd help my neighbor if she had my schedule, lol. We have a situation where I'm constantly under the gun and his response is to point out my failure to keep him happy???? This is so wrong at such a deep level that I fear there is no fixing it. If I were sitting home watching soaps or gadding with my girlfriends, Ok MAYBE (but there are far more tactful ways to go about telling a spouse you're not getting what you need) but I'm not. I'm doing things that need to be done. They happen to be things I hold dear so the burden falls on me to get them done and that does create a time bind. This is actually backwards. Dh would have accomplished more in the way of getting me to do more for him if he took some of the burden off of my shoulders and created some time.

If the situation were reversed, the first thing I'd see is that the reason my spouse isn't paying much attention to me is she's running from before sun up until sun down 4 days a week trying to get everything she considers imporatnt done and then trying to cram everything else into the three remaining days. My response would have been to make time by helping so that my spouse had more time for me. I certainly wouldn't hand her a copy of The Proper Care and Feeing of Husbands with what I deemed appropriate passages highlighted. Heck, I woudln't have done that if the reason she wasn't spendng time with me was she was watching soaps and gadding with her girlfriends. I'm CERTAIN I could find a more tactful way to say I think we need more us time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:31pm
At least I have my pride. Hope your marriage is as happy as you think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:31pm
As I said, I read the parts dh chose to highlight and after reading that, I have no desire to read the rest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:34pm
"She doesn't have to read one stinking LINE from that....er...."book" to be thoroughly insulted by the "gesture"...basically her husband--out of the blue--gave her the finger."

Yup, that's what it felt like. I did read a few of the passage he highlighted. Then I left the book in a pile of ashes on the counter with a note that simply said "Call a lawyer" and went to work. He didn't even have the guts to hand it to me. Just left it on the kitchen counter for me to find in the morning before I went to work. If you're going to flip someone the bird, you might as well do it to their face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:36pm
No dear. I read enough to get the gist. I don't need to read the rest. You don't have to read a book from cover to cover to decide it's trash. You just have to have half a brain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:45pm
YES! And given that much of the issue stems from my time bind, dh was in perfect position to say, "Hey, let me take over running the kids to piano class so you can get your homework done and then we'll rent a movie Friday night". What really gets me is that HE has the power to fix what he sees as wrong but chose to blame me instead. Part of the problem is just finding time. I can't create time. The things I spend my time on are important to me but not necessarily to dh.

I'm in school now rather than wait until the axe falls (rumor has it we're being sold in two years and half of us won't have jobs and I HAVE to be ready.) Dh would just as well I waited but I'm a chronic worrier. I HAVE to be proactive. I can't sit and wait. Dh would just as soon wait until dd#1 is failing in school to get her tutoring (two more nights of running). He thinks we're spending more money than we have to by putting her in tutoring at the first sign of trouble (testing verifies she's headed for trouble but not there yet). He doesn't care if the kids are in extracurricular activities or not. I think they're great self esteem builders and that they build self esteem the way you should, which is through accomplishment, unlike the schools that seem to think you just hand it to a child. Since dh doesn't think these things are important to do now, if falls on me to do them. I'm ok with that but don't tell me I have to also figure out how to create time for all the things I had time for before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:47pm
Never asked. I just let him have it with both barrels and he's been crawling on hands and knees ever since. There's no reason to ask. The intent is clear. Remember, he even took the time to highlight the passages he thougth I should read, lol.

Edited to add, dh offered as an explanation that he "just wanted respect" but now realizes he's done nothing to deserve it. That doesn't wash though. How would anyone expect to get respect by handing their wife a highlighed copy of the proper care and feeding of husbands? I certainly wouldn't expect respect if I handed dh a copy of the proper care and feeding of wives. I'd duck.


Edited 5/15/2004 4:15 pm ET ET by grimalkinskeeper

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