Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 3:55pm
"Volcano Goddess" syndrome - one partner works really hard at making the relationship work, then is furious to find out the other partner isn't happy. "Look at everything I'm doing here - how DARE you be unhappy!!!" I'm getting a lot of this vibe out of this thread."


So, I'm curious, what is the solution then? If one spouse is busting their rump holding it all together....the things that HAVE to be done in the "proper care and feeding of Children".......then one day the other pipes up and advises how unhappy they are, is the spouse holding it all together supposed to just drop everything and attend to him/her?

I don't understand this myself. If one spouse sees the whole family engaging in "life" and feels left out - then shouldn't THEY be the one to buck up a little bit and join what they see in motion? Isn't that what family is? being in motion together? Seems to me that the one working the hardest without emotional/logistical/intellectual support from the other has the largest claim on a complaint here.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 3:55pm
ITA, she has posted on the past that he only does any type of childcare when he is "forced" to because of her work schedule.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 4:02pm
"One of my main purposes in life is to try and make my husband happy, as making me happy is one of his."

"it IS a 2 way street"

But THIS man thinks that it is up to her to make him happy but he does nothing in return to make her happy. Even if she were to jump though hoops trying to make him happy it would not be a two way street.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 4:07pm
Dh definitely does not appreciate all that I have on my plate. Honestly, I don't expect his help as it is my choice to take it on so I'm not in position to ask. However, you of all people would appreaciate just how appreciative I'd be if he did. He does the standard stuff. Helps around the house, cooks dinner and does yard work but it never dawns on him to run the kids to whatever to give me a break or a chance to do my homework or to be the one who helps them with their homework (he thinks parental help should not be required). Now, I'm not whining. While I wish these things were as important to him as they are to me, I do believe that the responsibility for making something happen belongs to the person who is emotionally vested in seeing that it does happen (which is one reason this whole episode upsets me so. If HE thinks there's a problem in our marriage, it's up to HIM to fix it NOT try and guilt me into doing it for him!).

So it's my row to hoe because dh and I don't see eye to eye. That I accept, however, it is in dh's ability to address the time bind if he wishes to do so. I think he was thinking I'd buckle under the strain, this past year, and let something go (I did cut back to one class a term but that doubles the length of my program and prolongs the pain). He has told me I do too much and need to slow down. I asked him what activity I should give up? Dd's piano lessons that are a self esteem and self control builder for dd#1 and a source of accomplishment for dd#2 who is 6 and already composing her own pieces? Sylvan for dd#1 who is headed for trouble in middle school if she doesn't get to where she needs to be? My schooling which leaves us open to a long stretch of unemployement if my lab is sold as rumor holds and half of us are let go in the deal? He didn't have an answer. He wants me to do less without him having to do more. Funny how he's all for telling me I'm supposed to do things for him but it never dawns on him to do things for me other than those that are clearly his responsiblity because I work (half the housework and childcare). As in the book, it only goes one way. His way.

You know, while I don't consider it his responsibility to take care of things I care about and he does not, he'd convince me that he cares about me if he offered to help. THAT would have gone farther towards what he hoped to accomplish with that book than buying the book did. Plain and simple, he doesn't consider solving his problem his problem. It's clearly mine. Unfortunately, he found himself a book that supports the stance that it's the woman's fault because we all know that men are already doing their part and underappreciated for all their efforts, ugh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 4:08pm

I've seen the Good Girl. Hell, I LIVED it.


And that's why I say what I do. Its *our* own responsibility to make ourselves happy. We have to be happy with who we are before we can expect anyone else to be happy with who we are. Get yourself straightened out first, then work on the relationship. At the least work on both at the same time.


And the other partner has to do the same. Which is part of why xh and I weren't able to repair our relationship. I was working not only on *us* but on *me*. I found that if I fixed *me* then it was very easy to work on *us*. But, he did neither. He made a few feeble attempts to work on *us*, but they weren't viable attempts because he was never working on *him*. No matter how hard I tried, and no matter how much effort he put into *us*, it wasn't going to work because he saw *us* as the only problem.


And the fact that I worked on *me* is what allows me to have a good relationship with Allen right now. I was well into recovery and had made such progress on *me* that when I met him, I was in a good place to start over.


A friend of mine said to me "If I can't be happy single, I can't be happy together". And I *was* happy before I met Allen.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 4:09pm
Then why didn't he follow the advice in the book himself to make the marriage better instead of pointing out what she should do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 4:11pm
No, I got the message loud and clear. It's all my fault and I'm supposed to fix it for him. If that's what he thinks, then he needs to not let the screen door hit him on the ass on his way out as U an, obviously, NOT the woman he wants to be married to. If he has a problem, it's up to him to fix it not him to try and guilt me into fixing it for him. I'm sorry but if you want someone else to do more for you, the first thing you should try is doing more for them. Unfortunately, in the world of Laura S. this concept only goes one way. The woman gives. The man takes. Marriage is a two way street. It goes BOTH ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 4:14pm
Problem is, I can't get past the message. I've been, clearly, told I just don't measure up as a wife. Dh went as far as to get me the instruction manual. One I find insulting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 4:21pm
Thanks. Same to you. I was, pleasantly, surprised to find that I will also come out just fine. Better than I thought I would. Right now I'm feeling rich indeed with my job. It sure is nice to know I can count on myself when I can't count on anyone else.
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:08pm

I think the solution is for both partners to talk about what they want and need. Realistically, I think it would take some serious couples therapy and hard work on both sides to get through it.


Is the partner who is working so hard to hold it all together really being noble, or are they a control freak? Is the stuff they are doing really necessary, or do they simply have different expectations? Are they asking for help, or simply expecting the other partner to do what they have deemed in their heads to be a fair share? Have the goals been set as a family, or is each partner working on their own assumptions and agenda?


What I don't think should happen is

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