Is is "hard" being a sahm?
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Is is "hard" being a sahm?
| Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm |
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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So, I'm curious, what is the solution then? If one spouse is busting their rump holding it all together....the things that HAVE to be done in the "proper care and feeding of Children".......then one day the other pipes up and advises how unhappy they are, is the spouse holding it all together supposed to just drop everything and attend to him/her?
I don't understand this myself. If one spouse sees the whole family engaging in "life" and feels left out - then shouldn't THEY be the one to buck up a little bit and join what they see in motion? Isn't that what family is? being in motion together? Seems to me that the one working the hardest without emotional/logistical/intellectual support from the other has the largest claim on a complaint here.
Jen
"it IS a 2 way street"
But THIS man thinks that it is up to her to make him happy but he does nothing in return to make her happy. Even if she were to jump though hoops trying to make him happy it would not be a two way street.
So it's my row to hoe because dh and I don't see eye to eye. That I accept, however, it is in dh's ability to address the time bind if he wishes to do so. I think he was thinking I'd buckle under the strain, this past year, and let something go (I did cut back to one class a term but that doubles the length of my program and prolongs the pain). He has told me I do too much and need to slow down. I asked him what activity I should give up? Dd's piano lessons that are a self esteem and self control builder for dd#1 and a source of accomplishment for dd#2 who is 6 and already composing her own pieces? Sylvan for dd#1 who is headed for trouble in middle school if she doesn't get to where she needs to be? My schooling which leaves us open to a long stretch of unemployement if my lab is sold as rumor holds and half of us are let go in the deal? He didn't have an answer. He wants me to do less without him having to do more. Funny how he's all for telling me I'm supposed to do things for him but it never dawns on him to do things for me other than those that are clearly his responsiblity because I work (half the housework and childcare). As in the book, it only goes one way. His way.
You know, while I don't consider it his responsibility to take care of things I care about and he does not, he'd convince me that he cares about me if he offered to help. THAT would have gone farther towards what he hoped to accomplish with that book than buying the book did. Plain and simple, he doesn't consider solving his problem his problem. It's clearly mine. Unfortunately, he found himself a book that supports the stance that it's the woman's fault because we all know that men are already doing their part and underappreciated for all their efforts, ugh.
I've seen the Good Girl. Hell, I LIVED it.
And that's why I say what I do. Its *our* own responsibility to make ourselves happy. We have to be happy with who we are before we can expect anyone else to be happy with who we are. Get yourself straightened out first, then work on the relationship. At the least work on both at the same time.
And the other partner has to do the same. Which is part of why xh and I weren't able to repair our relationship. I was working not only on *us* but on *me*. I found that if I fixed *me* then it was very easy to work on *us*. But, he did neither. He made a few feeble attempts to work on *us*, but they weren't viable attempts because he was never working on *him*. No matter how hard I tried, and no matter how much effort he put into *us*, it wasn't going to work because he saw *us* as the only problem.
And the fact that I worked on *me* is what allows me to have a good relationship with Allen right now. I was well into recovery and had made such progress on *me* that when I met him, I was in a good place to start over.
A friend of mine said to me "If I can't be happy single, I can't be happy together". And I *was* happy before I met Allen.
Hollie
http://attach.prospero.com/n/docs/docDownload.aspx?guid=7E117344-D332-46AD-A2B2-30B19FAEACCF&webtag=iv-pssahwoh
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
I think the solution is for both partners to talk about what they want and need. Realistically, I think it would take some serious couples therapy and hard work on both sides to get through it.
Is the partner who is working so hard to hold it all together really being noble, or are they a control freak? Is the stuff they are doing really necessary, or do they simply have different expectations? Are they asking for help, or simply expecting the other partner to do what they have deemed in their heads to be a fair share? Have the goals been set as a family, or is each partner working on their own assumptions and agenda?
What I don't think should happen is
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