Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
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Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:10pm

But isn't your ex happy with his new gf? Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but who is the one in the relationship that decided he needed fixing to begin with?


It is certainly possible to be unhappy in a relationship and not need to "fix" yourself. Some relationships are just bad relationships. The relationship can be broken without the individual partners being broken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:13pm
Believe you me, he would have gotten a lot farther if he'd decided to try and make me happy in the hope I'd do the same rather than buying me a book that says it's my responsiblity to make him happy.
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:13pm

I guess it hasn't occured to you yet that you may have misinterpreted the message.


Maybe you didn't, and your dh is just a jerk who thinks the world should revolve around him.


Or maybe he's just really unhappy and feeling lonely and unimportant.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:15pm
Sure - it could go either way. We're only getting one side of the story here. I just find it interesting how quick so many people were to assume the husband is a selfish clod who ought to be kicked to the curb.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:15pm
Because the book says it's my fault NOT his. The book ASSumes men are pulling their weight and it's the woman who isn't. Hence, he didn't need to heed any of the advice as he's in the half of the human race the book was not addressed to. If the book were written from the perspective that both spouses were responsible for the happiness of the marriage it would have been titled "The proper care and feeding of SPOUSES"! There's a reason it says Husbands and not Spouses in the title. The woman is supposed to be the giver.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:22pm

I don't know if they are happy. I really don't care as its none of my business.


<>


Yes, but that's not the case here. MAny of the things he mentioned during our counseling sessions had nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with him. he talked about not having "friends" other than me. He talked about not feeling satisfied in his job. He talked about not having a close colleague to talk "work stuff" with. Add in his very underexpressed feelings about his dad's mental condition (which is genetic and hereditary) and you've got someone that needs to deal with his own problems.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:26pm
And considers it a favor to me when he does if my schedule doesn't force his hand. I'm supposed to be appreciative of him doing his half of the housework and child care as if he's doing me a favor when reality is, it's HIS responsiblity to do half of the child care and housework because we both work. I have to admit he's a lot better in the housework dept than he was a couple of years back when I first went back full time. I did most when I worked part time, as I should have since I had more time to do it but nothing changed when I went back full time. That was partly my fault in that I just kind of expected it to change and waited for it to happen. I mean it's logical that if we both work full time we both do half, right? I was pretty PO'd by the time it hit the fan. Dh did see the light there but still considers things like homework with the kids, reading to them/listenting to them read and running them where they need to be ran my territory. Trust me, I'd have a lot more time for him if he did do half of that stuff. That's what gets me. By the time I go to school and do all the stuff I need to with the kids I'm lucky to have enough time to do my own homework left and the person who is whining about not getting enough of whatever (still not sure what he was aiming to get when he bought the book) is the very person who could lighten my load and make more time for other stuff. He, the person who actually sees it as a problem, is the one who has the power to change it. Instead, be belives Laura S's take that it must be me not giving enough. This is really wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:33pm
At the moment I think about what needs to be done. When it comes to meeting needs, whichever, need is greater is met if a choice must be made but the preference is for both persons needs to be met. What people need, they need. When at all possible, you meet everyone's needs. When you can't, you look at where the repercushions of not meeting someone's need are the least harmful and that is the person who gets shortchanged. If dh needs his blood pressure medication and I need my thyroid medication I'm going to try and meet both needs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:44pm
Same here. It just appears that little problems have become big ones. I know one problem is I'm too damned low maintenance. By the time I'm mad enough to speak up about something, things are pretty bad. For the most part, I'd rather do it myself than fight about it. It's easier that way.

Maybe I should check dh's email just to be sure.... Might get me the kick in the pants I need. I hate the idea that dh is going to claim he doesn't want a divorce and that makes me the bad guy WRT the kids. I am starting to wonder though. Sometimes, attacking a spouse like this is done out of guilt. Affairs are easier to justify if your spouse isn't meeting your needs, aren't they?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:47pm
you will have to excuse my sensitivity the other day i must have had too much estrogen in my system,topped with a lack of sleep that was entirely my fault evryone has a touchy day so please cut me some slack

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