Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 8:03pm

Here's a random quote I just picked out from the book.


"Marital communication would go much better if women would accept without rancor that men simply have different communication styles and imperatives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 8:17pm

Fair enough I see your point about the slant of the book, however I think marriage/relationship books should be written for couples . . .not one spouse or the other. . .or should at least address BOTH aspects of the relationship. . .male and female.


She could have just as easily written that passage like this:

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 8:17pm
Nope. Not even close. Dh should blame himself because HE is responsible for his own happiness. It is NOT solely my responsibiltiy to take care of this marriage. Dh is a big boy. He can do it too. Do you ever listen to yourself? It's MY fault for neglecting my marraige?? Marriage is a TWO way street dear or should be. Do you listen to yourself? I'm neglecting my marriage. Dh has nothing to do with the situation. Try again.
Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 8:19pm
I said to all my guys one day that I wanted hanging flower baskets for my front porch for Mother's Day. DH said to the boys "That, my sons, is a very, very broad hint. You'll learn that you listen to the broad hints." I got 5 hanging baskets of flowers for my porch.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 8:25pm
Unfortunately, I'm too damned low maintenance. I don't get upset if dh doesn't do what I want for special occaisions so he's never gotten the message. I figure it's water under the bridge by the time he gives me the gift but it does bug me that he puts no thought into them. Even when I come right out and TELL him what I want. Sometimes I wonder why he bothers. I'd tell him not to but then the kids think I'm being slighted. If you're going to get me something or do something for me, it would be nice if it were something I actually wanted. The bunny wouldn't have cost much more than the flowers and he'd still be hopping in the pen. The flowers are in the trash. I think I might take a trip to the pet store after church tomorrow and get myself a bunny. I have an aunt who used to buy her own gifts and then tell her dh what he got her. He could never complain about what she bought, lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 8:26pm
I'm NOT saying it's all your fault, I'm turning the tables.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 8:32pm
I agree. The proper care and feeding os spouses would have gone over bigger. Laura S. won't write that book though, lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 8:37pm

I wish I could share my new bunny with you.

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 9:20pm
Not when we are not in agreement that these things need to be done. I can't very well ask for help with activities that dh thinks aren't necessary when I do think they're necessary. His attitude is, if I'm going to do it, I'm going to to it on my own because he's not going to waste his time on them and that, unfortunately, is his perrogative. I can't make him care. If BOTH of us wanted the same things then yes, I'd be in position to ask for his help but we don't see eye to eye.

I want better for my kids than I had. Dh is content to give them the same he got. If I left getting dd#1 to tutoring to dh, it wouldn't be long before she wouldn't be going. As far as he's concerned, flat average work from a bright child is just fine in spite of the fact she's capable of more and there are serious issues underlying her lack of performance. After all, she's NOT failing, yet. At one point in time, dh did take over dd#1's piano lessons as he thought I was riding her too hard. She ended up in private tutoring to catch up with her class and almost had to repeat a class because dh didn't bother to practice with her. He'd just tell her to go practice. Parents are an integral part of the Yamaha method and HAVE to attend class and practice with their kids. Dd has a defeatest attitude (this is really good for working on that) and often I have to MAKE her learn new pieces but she gets a great deal out of learning them once she has. She's FINALLY (after 4 years of classes) realizing that she can learn things that look hard at first. Dh wants her to quit next year because she's not particularly talented. What do you think the chances are of my getting him to be her piano partner??? Slim and none and I'll go with none.

Dd's tutoring is the same thing. Dh sees it as unnecessary because it's up to the schools to educate our children. The problem is we have really lousy math and reading programs here. Dh won't consider private school, which would eliminate the problem, because it "shouldn't" be necessary (and we shoudln't have to pay twice for our kids educatons, ugh). He says you work within the system for change. That we should be trying to change the curriculum. While I agree, I think we also need to do whatever is necessary to make sure our kids are getting the educations they should be. As far as he's concerned, that is the job of the school and you handle this by taking her test scores to the school and demanding they do something. Problem with that is it will be many years before they'll change the curriculum and with each passing year, dd falls farther and farther behind. Dh has no issue watching that happen. He figures there's plenty of time for her to catch up later. I can't sit back and let my child head for disaster that I know doesn't have to happen. Two years of tutoring now may be the difference between doing well in high school or struggling.

Basically, dh is against anything that requires extra effort. Now how do you propose I get him to help me because all of this takes more extra effort than I have now that I'm in school myself? He's also against that BTW. His mother had to read him the riot act here. He'd probably tell me to quit but his mom thinks it's such a great idea he doesn't have a choice but to tolerate me going but tolerate is all he'll do. He complains that I run too many days per week. He could take dd to Sylvan while I'm in class so I don't have to schedule her tutoring for nights I'd otherwise be home, but he's not going to do that. He's already complaining about the fall schedule because the school scheduled a class (rescheduled from it's normal daytime offering so I and another working student can take the class) such that he will have to get off of work 20 minutes early, which really isn't early as he has no declared hours, to make sure he's home in time to pick up the girls from dc before the dc closes two days a week. He NORMALLY leaves early a couple of days a week just because he wants to but it's a really big inconvenience to tell his boss that he has to pick the kids up two days a week for 14 weeks. BTW, he can also work from home when it's convenient for him but I wouldn't dare ask he do it do make my life easier.

Sigh. No, I'm not in position to ask for help. I wish the fact that these things are important to me were enough for him to offer but it's not. I can't make him care. So I'll do it myself. Fortunately, none of this is permanent. Dd, cross your fingers, may finish tutoring next May, she'll do, at most 3 more years of piano class where I have to help and the further she goes the less I have to help her, her sister will do 5 more years of piano followed by private lessons (she's the talented one) and I'll finish my classes at the latest in the spring of 2008 but I'm hoping for 2007. In the meantime, I'll do my best to make everything happen that needs to and carve out some time to enjoy my kids while they're little. Dh is either going to have to belly up to the bar and help out, leave or simply accept that I am not going to concern myself with whether or not what I do makes him happy. No, carving out time for dh isn't high on the list. If it's high on his, he has the option of helping. So far, he'd rather just whine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 9:23pm
More of refusal to accept blame that isn't rightfully mine on my part. I was doing fine until dh went to the book store.

Pages