Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 7:57am
No, that's not what I said. I said I can't get past the message, though his choice of medium does show he doesn't know me at all.

I've been told that I am not what dh wants. I've been told I need to change and handed the instruction manual. I've been told it's all my fault that he's not happy. I am who I am and if that doesn't suit dh, it's time for him to leave and find someone who does suit him. The fact that he chose a Laura S. book just goes to show that dh doesn't know me at all. He had to know my reaction would be bad to being handed a book written by someone who I consider a hyporcrite and nothing more than a shock jock out to make a buck! But it's not the medium I can't get past (though it's a close second), it's the message. I have been told I don't measure up. Well, I measure up to myself. If that's not good enough for dh, he can take a hike. Marriage is not about remaking the other party in the image you want. They either are someone you want to spend time with or they are not. Apparently, I am not someone dh wants to spend time with until I change and I'm not changing to please anyone but me. I'd be a piss poor role model for my dd's if I did.

Dh thought he could get away with this because I am very anti divorce, however, we have now crossed the line where I consider staying in the marriage worse for my kids than a divorce. To do what dh wants would set a piss poor example for my dd's. I'd rather they see me as strong enough to not take dh's crap so they know they don't have to take it from any man either when they're adults.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 8:36am

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No, you've been told that your behavior is creating issues in the relationship. Not the same thing at all.


Based on your posts since you've been here, I think you've wanted out for a long time and are using this as the catalyst. It's pretty obvious you're not happy with your husband's behavior. You think he should change his by doing more but don't think you should change yours by doing less.


The real issue here isn't the book, and it's not even really the inequity in the amount of work being done by each partner. It's that you and your dh never sat down as a couple and decided what kind of family you wanted to be. You're not both on the same page - heck, you're not even reading the same book - but it seems clear that neither of you thinks much of the other's choices and are both convinced everything would be fine if only your partner did things your way.


You don't want to be the bad guy, then get thee to a marriage councellor and do it with a willingness to

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 8:39am

That's interesting. In Texas you can record a phone conversation if it's on your phone line, even if the other party isn't aware it's being recorded. I would have assumed having spyware on your own computer would fall under the same laws, since the computer is communicating over your phone line.


Isn't anything physically on your computer up for grabs? It's just

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 8:51am
No, I'm doing what needs to be done. It's not an issue of putting what I WANT above what he wants. Dd's problems in school have to be dealt with, dd#1's problems with feeling defeated before she tries need to be dealt with, dd#2's talent on the keyboard needs to be nurtured, the kids homework needs to get done, they need to practice reading and such and I need to address the fact that my career is unstable and be prepared t move on becuase I'm the family's primary bread winner. Trust me. I'd love it if I could manage everything without running from sun up to sun down 4 days a week but that's the only solution I can come up with without help and dh isn't going to help with things he simply does not consider issues.

In his mind, dd doesn't need tutoring until she's failing and then it's the school's responsiblity to give it to her. In his mind, the school of hard knocks will take care of dd's defeatest attitude. In his mind, IF dd#2 is really talented, she'll excel when she joins the band at school and the school teaches her an instrument. In his mind, I'll have no trouble replacing my job if I get let go when I know people who are still out of work from the head count reduction we went through three years ago!! He doesn't want to deal with it so he doesn't. I can't sit back and let things get wosrse. No, it's not an issue of my putting my wants first. Not even close.

Dh looks at life through rose colored glasses. He thinks things just work themselves out (and then gets depressed when they don't). I know they don't so I plan, prepare and work towards solutions. I cannot sit back and see what happens like dh. It's not my nature and I'm not changing who I am for anybody even if it means we get divorced. Dh has delivered the message that I don't measure up. Maybe it's time for him to go find someone who does.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 9:49am

I don't think you're listening to yourself, either.


Of course everyone is responsible for their own happiness, but everyone is also responsible for behavior which affects the relationship. It's absolutely assine to claim that everyone should be happy regardless of how their spouse is behaving, or that they don't need to attempt to meet their spouse's needs because the spouse isn't doing enough to meet theirs.


You're mad at your dh because he doesn't value what you value. You have decided that because of that, he doesn't deserve to be treated in a way that makes him feel valued. And you're mad because he's not as willing to end the marriage as you are. How much longer are you going to let the resentment and bitterness build up before you do something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:09am
actually, i spoke with my lawyer who indicated that because it is a FAMILY computer that there is NO expectation of privacy and that, therefore, i am NOT breaking any laws.

eileen

Avatar for ahlmommy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:23am
<<>>

That is the problem with your argument...The book isn't about making a man happy...It is about making your marriage better. See the difference. Newsflash...Marriage is work...just as raising children is work. You don't work at it then the end result is just what she has...Divorce.

Avatar for ahlmommy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:27am
<<>>

Then why don't you do the same for your husband? Is it that difficult for you to show him that you love him, or make him feel secure? Why is that such an issue for you? I just don't get it. Isn't it YOUR and your dh responsibility to make your marriage be a healthy and good marriage because you have those children? I don't know your entire situation but I can tell you that if he bought you that book and he took the time to read it then I would say he is trying to tell you that he isn't happy, and that he wants his marriage to be better. Again...try reading the book.



<<>>

Just as it is your responsibility to work at your marriage.

Avatar for ahlmommy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:30am
Yes I do wonder what he does to make her happy....But again the book isn't about making a partner happy...the bottom line is about making the marriage better. I can tell you that a few of the things in her book I found out that I was doing and should not have been. When I try to not do those things...i.e. talking about my day right when he comes in the door, my DH is a happier man in turn makes me happier. It is a two way street.
Avatar for ahlmommy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:41am
<<>>

Well that woman CALLED Dr. Laura Dr. Laura did not call her. I can tell you that I would not feel bad about not inviting a child with Tourette's to my wedding. If that child screamed out then no sorry that would not even be an issue. While I understand that the child can not help it, why should this bride or the congregation sit through a wedding that a child is screaming out anything?

<<>>

The people that call her, buy her books, write her, whatever...do so because they LISTEN to her and know how she is...whether you want to call it hateful...or whatever is irrelevent. She is a straight shooter. I find her to be quite compassionate. She is a fighter of children...can't ask for better than that.

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