Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 3:51pm
First, I'm not feeling any way. I didn't have a problem until dh bought the book. While I am tired from all the running, I don't have any issues accepting that because these are things I value, it falls on me to make sure they get done. Don't get me wrong, I'd love it if dh helped but I don't expect him to. I would just be really nice. As far as my marriage is concerned, I decided years ago that there was nothing wrong with it that warranted putting my kids through a divorce. Until now, with the book and the implicatoin that it's my fault and I need to fix it for dh. Addmittedly, dh and I have grown apart over the years. I used the analogy of a comfortable pair of old jeans in another post. That's kind of how it was. I knew what to expect at home. At least I did. Seems the rules have changed.

Dd's piano lessons teach her to keep trying and that success comes with working through things. I don't know about your schools but ours seem to want to hand kids self esteem on a silver platter. I think it needs to come from accomplishment. No it doesn't have to be piano but it has to be something. We've been doing piano because of the link between early musical training and later suceess in math and science and the fact that piano is so much easier to learn early on but we've likely bought all the gains we can from what the girls have done so far. That it teaches dd to keep at things even when they're difficult has turned out to be the biggest plus for dd#1 so far. I gave dd the option of choosing another instrument but she declined deciding to continue with the piano. Just quitting is not an option but switching tracks is. Either way, there's going to be activities for her to attend.

Having difficulty expressing yourself and insulting your spouse are two different things. I don't take this as difficulty expressing himself. He found a book that says I should do what he wants me to do and ran with it as if having someone put it in print means he's right and I'm some kind of failure as a wife. Why in the world he thought for one second I'd take Laura S's advice is beyond me. IMO, dh's problem is he wants to live in two worlds. The one he grew up in where his mom SAH and did everything and his dad didn't have to lift a finger and one where his wife goes out and works and makes an income that makes his life easier. He hasn't quite figured out that he can't have it both ways. He's never going to have the former anyway as I'm not that girl. At least not anymore. I was quite young and naive when we got married. I can remember studying the book "creative counterpart" because I was going to be the best wife ever until dh got sick of it and threw the book away. He couldn't deal with the dependency that came with the happy housewife. Talk about coming full circle. As my mom used to say, "Be careful what you wish for, you might get it".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 3:52pm
Yup, that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 3:55pm
No but each of us is, innately, responsible for our own happiness. If we're not happy with ourselves, it's kind of hard for someone else to make us happy. Dh would prefer I do it for him and that simply cannot be done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 3:57pm
Yes I did and I asked a valid question. What part am I supposed to change to please dh? The part about doing what my kids need or making sure my family is provided for? More importantly, why am I the one who is supposed to give up things that I hold as important when dh isn't? I've never asked him to give up things he feels are important to please me. I wouldn't dream of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 5:41pm
"Dd's piano lessons teach her to keep trying and that success comes with working through things"

This is a wise statement. I wonder why you choose to only apply it to your daughters and not yourself. If you really want to teach them about success and work, perhaps you should strongly think about how this applies to your situation. I can't imagine being unwilling to work on something over a lousy, albeit misguided, gift of a book to you. Is it really enough to toss a marriage on? How do you think divorce rates versus piano to your daughters? I don't know your situation other than what has been presented on this board. It seems that you have a selfish husband, but he also has been presented as one who is "begging" for forgiveness. I think one lesson you will no doubt be teaching your girls is that you are not a very forgiving person, and that will follow them a lot longer than any piano lessons can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 5:50pm

I agree. . .his decision to present his 'case' via the book was silly and misguided. . .but I can't imagine throwing in the towel over a book.

Virgo
 
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 5:59pm
"Maybe I'm looking for some OT advice here....I had DD going to sleep ON HER OWN, IN HER ROOM. But there is a problem... Apparently a SNAKE lives in her closet that bites her at night and steals all her toys. This snake visits around 2 am nightly. (DD loves snakes BTW)."

Poor thing! (both of you) My DD had "scary eyes" in her room at night and we didn't get her in her own bed until we moved to a new house. Wish I could help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:04pm
Oh I do apply it to my own life but that doesn't mean I'm going play the part of the subservient little wimpette and do what dh wants because he thinks I'm supposed to figure out how to make him happy. Working through things is great but I'm not about to do it for dh and THAT is what he wants. The message he sent was that I am a failure as a wife. I am not what he wants. I'm sorry but working through things does not include rewriting myself in the image dh wants. Not even close.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:06pm
So, exactly how do *I* work thorugh this since we're back to it's all my fault and my responsiblity to fix it. Which of the things that I hold as important to accomplish do I bail on in my attempt to make dh feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Which part of myself do I sell short? What does THAT teach my dd's??? That what they value is fine until their dh's decide otherwise??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:17pm
I think that there is muuch more to this then it just being over a book. She has stated that there have been issues in the past but nothing that she saw worth making her children suffering through a divorce over. I think that the book could be a catalyst for the ending of the marriage but it is in no way the cause.

I do think that marriage can go though some very rough times and recover (my minister is doing a series on marriage at the moment and has been using the analogy of getting off the Titanic and back on the Love Boat). But in order for that to happen both have to want it and both have to work for it. I don't see that here.

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