Is is "hard" being a sahm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Is is "hard" being a sahm?
2242
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 1:25pm
For many years now, I have heard the claim that being a sahm is the hardest job in the world. I never chimed in, because I didn't know first hand. I stayed home for 6 weeks when my twin daughters, Sophia and Stephanie (almost 4) were born. And that was hard, because I had 2 newborns. Now, almost 4 years later, I have resigned my job and am staying home again. I can god-honestly say that I don't know what's so hard about this. I personally feel like I am on easy street, but maybe that's because I haven't been at it that long. I feel like I am on vacation. It takes no longer than a couple hours a day to do the housework, and the rest of the time is free time for me and the girls. We have gone to the park, the zoo, chuck e cheeses, and I know not every day is going to be like this, but I feel like I am making up for lost time. My children seem happy and relaxed. The only hard thing about this is that they have gotten into some pretty raging fights with each other, but the fights have ended with quick intervention. I guess I am just wondering how long before this becomes "The hardest job in the world" and I start looking like a zombie, complaining that my husband doesn't help me, and so on? Or do I seriously have the choice not to turn into that? Also, do you think that at the rate I am going, I am at risk for getting bored staying home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:17pm

I didn't say it was *YOUR* fault.

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:21pm

No working things through requires conversation, communication, and commitment.

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:24pm

I don't disagree with you. . .the book

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:35pm
I agree there is not a lot of communication going on from either side but unless both side are committed to doing what needs to be done to fix the marriage it will not happen. At this point I don't see either side committed to doing what needs to be done to make the marriage work. (From what has been posted) it looks like he thinks that she needs all the "fixing" and she thinks that she does not need any "fixing". They are both wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:43pm

I missed most of the debate - but I agree that there is more

Mondo

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:56pm

What should you change? The behaviors which are manifestations of your beliefs that you are the only one who knows the right way to raise your children, that you and your husband have nothing to do with each other's happiness, that your children have to achieve at their absolute potential in order to be successful, that your behavior and your being are the same thing, that anything you want is the way things must be done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:57pm

Very well said. I cannot imagine ending a marriage (unless it was obviously over to begin with, or abusive) because DH gave you a book whose philosophy you strongly disagree with, especially without even discussing the situation. That's the kind of thing that might cause an explosive fight, a few days of sleeping on the couch maybe. But divorce? Over a book? I just don't get it.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:58pm

How do you know, since you haven't bothered to talk to him about it, but only made assumptions and blasted him for them?


We can't make someone else happy, but we sure as heck can make them miserable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 7:18pm

<<"So, exactly how do *I* work thorugh this since we're back to it's all my fault and my responsiblity to fix it.">>


Wow. That wasn't even implied in that post, let alone said. Your anger and defensiveness is palpable, and so is your pain. Again, I'm sorry about all of this. I think it's just hard for a lot of posters here to grasp getting a divorce over a book, especially when you've said you had no problem with the relationship before that.


<<"Which of the things that I hold as important to accomplish do I bail on in my attempt to make dh feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Which part of myself do I sell short? What does THAT teach my dd's??? That what they value is fine until their dh's decide otherwise??">>


There are compromises in every relationship, for a spouse, for a child. You've said you never expected your DH to support your goals, since they were important to *you*, and you felt they were your responsibility. But you're not living in a vacuum, and marriage is supposed to be about supporting one another. And I have to wonder whether the fact that he *hasn't* helped you more has had you seething for years, perhaps not even admitting it to yourself? That seems to be the only thing that could explain your outsized reaction to this book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 7:46pm

<<"(From what has been posted) it looks like he thinks that she needs all the "fixing" and she thinks that she does not need any "fixing". They are both wrong.">>


I think you are right here, though I don't think we can know what he really thinks for certain. We know he gave the book to her with highlighted sections, but there was no discussion following that. Frankly, I don't think I could blame a husband for not giving more and being more helpful *IF* he has never been asked to give more. Most men I know will just assume everything is okey dokey unless told otherwise. So the fact that he sees their problems as beginning with her is understandable, given that she hasn't ever told him she wants more from him (at least, according to what she's posted here). If she doesn't expect to be treated better by him, she won't be.

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