Heart vs. Head: The work status decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Heart vs. Head: The work status decision
2102
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:03pm
Did you make your decision to SAH/WAH/WOH ft/pt based primarily on objective/tangible factors, or with your heart?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 1:45pm
i agree that for some that balance is what makes woh easier. but that doesnt really address the issue of if one sees sah as making a good parent then how can someone who is not a sah be a good parent. if "a" is a requirement of "b" then how can you have "b" without "a"
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 1:48pm
oh great, another non-minivan owner bites the dust - where will it end. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 1:49pm

Post numbers or cut/paste will be fine.

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 1:58pm

The only way I can think to explain that is that some people have standards for themseleves that they do not feel apply across the board.

For instance, part of why I SAH is because I do not feel that I could give enough of myself to an employer knowing I have young children in other-care. I do not question another mother's choice to return to work because she clearly does not have the same feelings as I do. So I dont think that by saying I'm a better parent because I SAH means I am better than those who do not. I see it as I am better as a SAHP than I would be as a WOHP.

I think my DH feels the same. So, in essence it is not as simple as it appears. If the variables changed (ie: my income potential quadrupled and I could support the family on my own) then my feelings about SAH would change. Although, I would still want our kids to have a SAHP. I would no longer feel tied into it being me. I feel comfortable that I could WOH and be the parent I wanted to to be, if I knew my DH was the SAHP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:10pm
I know I am so ashamed..lol! All I need now is a white picket fence and I will really lose it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:16pm

"Do you consider email/phone and other long distance communication to count? I wasn't thinking about that. (Although personally I don't think that someone who only really 'sees' my kids via email etc. is at all helping to raise them- but- whatever)."

This struck me because it is so close to our lives. We live many thousands of miles away from both my and dh's families. My children see their grandparents and most of their cousins (on my side) once every 3-4 years for a few weeks. They see my sister and her children once every 2 years or so for a few weeks. Email and telephone are the main ways that we all stay in touch.

Interestingly, the reason why my children speak English so fluently and still preferentially speak English with each other is because of their cousins. Sometime quite early on during one of our very brief visits, ds fell completely in love with a couple of his cousins. Those cousins are still, as far as he is concerned, his very best friends. He insisted on speaking English to dd from the time she was born because that was the language of his cousins. English is the language of his heart, the one he is most comfortable with and the one he preferentially reads and writes in.

I've seen enough language patterns in bi- and tri-lingual families to know that siblings speaking the minority language to each other this far along is extremely unusual and that continued preference of the home language over the school language is even more unusual. I attribute that choice directly to the relationship my kids have built with my family over the years, in spite of the fact that that relationship is mostly via email and telephone. I'd say that my family have definitely had a hand in raising the kids. Language development is such an important and fundamental part of development. I couldn't have brought the kids anywhere near their current level of proficiency without the help of my family. Help based more on an emotional connection than a pedagogical experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:23pm

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That kind of thing and the rest of your post would break my heart. The fact that you're on this board and are CL and after reading your posts, I often wonder if you've fully accepted your new home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:24pm
i agree with what you say i think it is a matter of some people holding spouses to different standards. i do find it interesting however that on something as important as raising kids a couples thought process would be so different. i know my husband would be terribly hurt if he felt i believed that to be a good parent one had to sah, because the converse of that is that since he does not sah he is not a good parent. personally i hold my husband to the same standards i have for myself, at least on major things, but i dont hold casual aquaintances to those standards. this has nothing to do with you it is debate for the sake of debate :)
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:36pm

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Again, a fine line to balance being a parent on.


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In post 509 that's pretty much what you said and add the time factor from another post.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:36pm

You're the 4th person to call her on that comment, and she's clearly decided to withdraw it and pretend it was never written. Note her responding to all 4 of us with questions such as "why in the world" would you think that? Pretty soon we'll read that all 4 of us have reading comprehension issues ~ that kind of thing.

Others here have said in the past that it is better that the father and mother have equal time with the children, thus introducing an impartial third-person such as a dcp, nanny of Aftercare program is better than having a sahp. I don't recall if Pumpkingangel has ever said that before yesterday.

But the argument has been that the marriage is more fair, childcare responsibilities are equally split between mother and father and, thus, neither parent is pulling more than his/her fair share of weight. IMO, it's very unhealthy marriage. So I questioned PKA for her reasoning behind saying it this particular time. So did you and 2 other people. That's four of us. But, I'm glad to see she backpedaled in her own little signature way.

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