Heart vs. Head: The work status decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Heart vs. Head: The work status decision
2102
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:03pm
Did you make your decision to SAH/WAH/WOH ft/pt based primarily on objective/tangible factors, or with your heart?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:44pm

"That kind of thing and the rest of your post would break my heart. "

Really? I think it's wonderful and amazing that he has kept in such close contact with my family and my mother-tongue. I didn't honestly expect it when we started our multilingual adventure many years ago. It means that ds and I speak a common language of books, which is even more wonderful and unexpected. Still, overall he is growing up Swedish and I am glad of that too.

"The fact that you're on this board and are CL and after reading your posts, I often wonder if you've fully accepted your new home."

Well, I do like to keep up with what is going on in the US and, strangely, I find this board helps me to keep more in touch with small cultural details than major newspapers. As for why I asked to be a CL....it sounded like fun, not too much work, and earned me the EY package for free :-).

At this point in my life and with the politics what they are in the US, I think I would have to be paid mega-bucks to move back to there these days. I like Sweden too much. In fact, I liked it so much that I became a citizen a couple of years ago :-).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:45pm

"i agree with what you say i think it is a matter of some people holding spouses to different standards. i do find it interesting however that on something as important as raising kids a couples thought process would be so different. i know my husband would be terribly hurt if he felt i believed that to be a good parent one had to sah, because the converse of that is that since he does not sah he is not a good parent. personally i hold my husband to the same standards i have for myself, at least on major things, but i dont hold casual aquaintances to those standards. this has nothing to do with you it is debate for the sake of debate :)"

I just wanted to add that for me, it's not even just holding my spouse to a different standard. I apply the same logic/principles to every other parent out there. My reasoning is that I think parenting is so individual that I dont feel that it's fair to apply *my* standards for myself to anyone else. I firmly believe that each parent has their own set of goals/standards that they must meet in order to hold themseleves in high regard. I strive to meet my own goals and like to think that others do the same. The truth is, I dont want to be held to anyone else's standards, my spouse included because as an individual we all process and handle things differently. Often times with the same net results.

I see it more as the follwing.

A (my goals) + B (my level of achievement of said goals) = C (my "status" as a parent).

So while the same equation may apply across the board, the variables are different. I dont want to reach somebody else's goals nor do I want anyone else to reach mine. KWIM?

For instance, one thing my DH provides that I clearly do not is an income. For him, that is one of his goals and he is doing well, so he is meeting that standard for himself as a parent. If I was to say we each had to have the same standards, I would be failing miserably as I earn nothing.

Does that make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:45pm

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How on earth do you figure that?

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:48pm
The thing is, I am all for equality. I just dont think that you can quantify it by logging hours/dollars/duties, etc. KWIM?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:49pm
so you really think that any marriage that has been divided so that both partners share equally in running the family is unhealthy - interesting. i would think a family where one person feels they are carrying the burden of the weight would be the one that stood a greater chance of being unhealthy.
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:56pm
i agree you cant quantify it in those terms - but i also think a person knows if/when they are having to carry the lions share of running the family, and i dont think that in the long haul that is going to create a healthy marriage. certainly there are times in any marriage where one spouse is going to be doing more than the other but it should average out to where no one if feeling the total burden indefinately. Last week when my husband was out of town i was doing it all, so it was not equal, but it was for the short term, and i am a firm believer in that you can do anything for the short term.
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:57pm

The question wasnt posted me, but I'll give my two cents anyway.

IMO, making it a priority for everything to be divided exactly the same is not IMO a goal to be reached. Each parent has many things to bring to the table and insisting that the other can match that offering makes no sense. I think that a family can find balance without measuring everything to make sure it's "fair" and "equal".

I think that was the point she was striving for. Balance isnt always about making things equal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:58pm
I agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 3:00pm

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My opinion statement says that I think it's important to have two very active hands on parents who do a equal (but often different) hands on stuff with the kids.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 3:03pm

So, part of why the wohp can be a good parent is the fact that they have a sahp as a partner?

PumpkinAngel

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