Help! Husband pushing me to find job!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Help! Husband pushing me to find job!
1529
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 10:35am
My husband has just taken a leave of absense from his high paying 80 hour a week job to focus on being home more and finding out what he really wants to do. He is now working 3 days a week at a job he really likes. He always said if he took this job he would find another part time job to supplement the income. I am working weekends and babysitting during the week, but my income is a joke. Our kids are 5 and 3 and cry every weekend when I leave. My problem is this: my husband has put no effort in finding that 2nd job he said he would find and is pushing me to work full time. I want to be a stay at home mom, but it may mean him going back to a job he hates. He says the kids will adjust, get over it. Am I being selfish or lazy for wanting to stay home? Is he being selfish for leaving a good paying job?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 8:56pm
Coming from a poor background, I have to disagree. You have to earn enough to provide a decent basic living before you can even think of saving. Right now, for some reason, savings rates in the U.S. are dismal. I'm sure some of it has to do with instant gratification but some has to do with just not earning enough too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:01pm

The typical Japanese family saves 18.1% of their income.

The typical American family saves -2.2% (after taxes).

O

"Besides this we have our living prophet, for whom I am grateful, and I hope to follow after him all the days of my life.&

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:13pm

And your reasoning being? I know many gay couples raising remarkable children, just like hetero dual parents and single (gay or straight) parents - the quality of parenting is always the measure of commitment and ability to parent.

If your belief is based on your religion alone, e.g. Leviticus, please feel free to disregard my question.

Edited to add: I am the product of 16 years of Catholic school education and Irish Catholic background, currently exploring a UU and UC church, but basically agnostic.




Edited 2/11/2007 9:29 pm ET by currieri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:15pm

Women worked both in and out of the home prior to WWII. Perhaps you should read up on history a bit. And working in the home usually did *not* primarily mean caring for the children.

I think you are seeing the past through some very rose-colored glasses

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:19pm

Apparently, many men would not be satisfied with this type of arrangement. I think the women's perceptions about men being okey dokey with their women providing and them remaining at home on this board are rather skewed.

Shaunti Feldhahn had this to say about her experiences while interviewing thousands of men for her book : "for women only" what you need to know about the inner lives of men

She said in chapter 4 called "The Loneliest Burden"

~In my interviews I was startled to hear the explicit mental certainty most men had about their role as the family provider. Whatever a man's wife felt about it, whatever she did or didn't earn, he felt that providing was "his" job. Period.

I was surprised that so many men echoed the same conviction: "I love my wife, but I can't depend on her to provide. That's my job."

In several interviews, the man's wife was sitting right next to him. One wife, shocked, turned to her husband and said, "but I've always worked! I've always contributed to th efamily budget!"

His gentle response: "You working or not is irrelevant. Not to the family budget---it does ease some of the financial pressure. But it is irrelevant to my "need" to provide."

.......Consider the stunning results from the survey. First, his need to provide goes so deep that even if you personally brought enough money to nicely support the whole family, your man would probably still feel compelled to provide.

(the survey question: Suppose your wife/so earned enough to support your family's lifestyle. Would you stilil feel a compulsion to provide for your family? (choose one answer))

YES 78%
NO 22%

on a scale of 0% to 100%

It didn't matter whether the men were married or single, religious or not, old or young---three out of four felt this compulsion. The only major difference was an ethnic one: The compulsion was "stronger" among minority groups.

You can find her book at amazon books among other sites.

O

"Besides this we have our living prophet, for whom I am grateful, and I hope to follow after him all the days of my life.&

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:21pm
Apparently you didn't read my post well. I said I would support her decision even if I didn't agree with it. And yes, I can think there is a best way to do something all the while recognizing that someone else can still be good at something....even very very very good. None of us are perfect. There can still be one best way to do something.

O

"Besides this we have our living prophet, for whom I am grateful, and I hope to follow after him all the days of my life.&

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:22pm
it depends on how you define poor....i grew up and was considered *poor* from many ppl's eyes but what my parents did teach us haunts me today - i remember dad refusing to allow things like cable because when he was our (teenager) age,they couldn't afford what they didn't have money for. ffw that thought to now and yes,it is all about instatnt gratification - if you can't afford it,just charge it......i agree with you that it's a combination of both but overall,and in general terms,our country is suffering wrt decent retirement cushions because of society's warped need for more and more credit and creative finance terms. i don't think it's a coincidence that most company pensions don't exist,anymore.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:25pm
this board is about sah parenting vs woh parenting. we are going to feel differently about the ability to care for children wrt our working status, I expect that. so should anyone else who visits this board.

O

"Besides this we have our living prophet, for whom I am grateful, and I hope to follow after him all the days of my life.&

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:27pm

I'd guess that opinion is based solely on religion.

Thank goodness that this viewpoint does not hold the majority. More and more gay families are able to adopt. I cannot imagine ANYONE would say that a child languishing in foster care for 18 years is *better* than a loving home with gay parents. Obviously not very well aquainted with the foster care system in this country.

It breaks my heart that there is still so much homophobia and hate in this world.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:46pm

So? I've already said that savings rates are low in the United States. We have a lot of catching up to do with the rest of the world.

18% is pretty good if that's savings for retirement. I know private schooling is common in Japan, it's possible some of that saving is for that. Their work week makes it very difficult to have two working parents. Knowing that, I'll bet there is heavy incentive to save before you have kids and not live beyond your means.




Edited 2/11/2007 9:54 pm ET by gr8fulmom1

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