Hitting the "Mommy Wall"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Hitting the "Mommy Wall"
1585
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 11:19am

I am surprised that this actually comes as a surprise to women trying to re-enter the workforce after taking time off to SAH. *Anyone* taking a not-so-brief hiatus from their career should expect the same treatment IMO . . . you're not going to be able to pick up right where you left off.

BTW - "hi" everyone! I've missed it here! :)

Women raise kids, lose careers

By TENISHA MERCER
THE DETROIT NEWS

Veronica Golubovic spent more than 20 years on the runways of Paris, Italy and New York as a designer for some of the most powerful names in fashion -- Yves Saint Laurent, Donna Karan and Perry Ellis.

But it was a three-year gap on her resume -- the hiatus she took after the births of her two children -- that garnered the most attention from prospective employers four years ago when Golubovic tried to resume her career.

She hasn't forgotten one recruiter's look of discomfort when she explained she was a stay-at-home mom. Or the way a top official at a retailer dismissed her during an interview with, "Oh, so now you don't know if you want to be a stay-at-home mommy."

"I came here thinking I've done so much, but it was very difficult," said Golubovic, 45, who eventually opened a designer clothing store in Birmingham, Mich., earlier this year. "I didn't think people would be hung up on it, but it was shocking and surprising. I couldn't believe their reactions."

Thirty years after women began joining the work force in large numbers, many are hitting the "mommy wall" when they try to return to work after having children.

They find it difficult -- if not impossible -- to return to the same positions they left, according to a recent study by the Forte Foundation in New York and the Wharton Center for Leadership and Change at the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania.

Unprepared for the obstacles they face on their return, many opt out of traditional corporate jobs and move to smaller companies. Experts dub the trend the "female brain drain" and say the exodus is coming just as businesses need talented, experienced workers to fill the gap as baby boomers prepare to retire en masse, leaving the biggest labor shortage in history in their wake.

"This is a defining issue for women," said Monica McGrath, an assistant professor at Wharton, who spearheaded the study. "Women who leave as vice presidents are not coming back as vice presidents. Now is not the time for corporations to squander billions of dollars in talent and enthusiasm at their fingertips. This is a talent pool that organizations need. We have a voice at the table, and I would hate to see us lose that."

The study found that half of working mothers who returned to work felt discouraged by their employer. Eighty-three percent ended up accepting a comparable or lower-level position, while 61 percent changed industries. About 45 percent of the women surveyed started their own businesses, and 59 percent went to work at smaller companies. The study is based on interviews with 200 women, most of them with MBA degrees.

The results add more fuel to the debate about whether and how women can blend careers and family. Even as women are graduating from law, business and medical schools at almost the same rates as men, they find their careers shifting in very different directions from their male colleagues once they have children.

"They want to spend time with their children, and it can be very time-consuming," said New York-based Cindy Swensen, who coaches executive women on how to return to work after having children. "Volunteering at the bake sale is probably not going to help you re-enter the work force."

It's a strange phenomenon for a generation of women who were raised to break down barriers while "having it all" -- even if that meant delaying or postponing plans to have children to focus on their careers.

"We hear very few stories of people just stepping back in where they left off," said Joanne Brundage, executive director of Mothers & More, a Chicago-area support group for working women who postpone their careers to have children.

"Clearly, there is a price to be paid for not staying full-time, full-force in most professions," Brundage said. "I think women who are becoming mothers now have a different set of priorities than women did 15 to 20 years ago. Unfortunately, the message may change, but the environment stays the same."

It's a message Cynthia Aks wasn't prepared for. The first female surgeon to graduate from the residency program at Oakland General Hospital in Madison Heights, Mich., in 1990, Aks battled her share of discrimination from colleagues who didn't care to work with women surgeons, she said.

But after Aks, an emergency room surgeon, decided to have a family in her late 30s, she found it tough to regain the solid career footing she had before her triplets were born nearly 13 years ago. Forced to take seven months off for pregnancy complications, her contract was not renewed, she said, because the hospital didn't know how to deal with a female surgeon with children.

Aks resumed her career as a specialty surgeon, but at a huge cost: Her salary plummeted 60 percent.

"The perception is that you cannot juggle multiple hats effectively," said Aks, 49, who now owns a medical practice in Southgate, Mich. "I believe it's challenging, but you can. You can have high aspirations, be successful, have a family and still be involved. It's not equal for women, and I don't think it ever will be."

Southfield, Mich.-based accounting firm Plante & Moran offers tailored work arrangements such as seasonal work, telecommuting and contract employment to retain working mothers. The firm offers the options to management only.

"We want to accommodate people and their schedules," said Bill Bufe, partner and human resources director at the accounting firm. "We've had people who wanted to leave, but we wouldn't let them. We made things much more flexible for them and allowed them to continue to keep their toe in the water here and do what they needed to do in their family."

CHANGING FOCUS WHAT WOMEN CAN DO

WHAT WOMEN CAN DO

Tips for preparing to return to work:

Create a "re-entry" plan with specific goals

Foster a network for support while away from the work force

Volunteer while away and make sure that experience can be framed in business terms when you want to go back to work

Stay connected to colleagues

Maintain professional licenses and memberships and attend continuing education courses

Take classes to refresh knowledge and skills

Stay informed about the business implications of global and economic changes in your field

Secure contract work while away

Be realistic about how long it will take to re-enter the work force

Sources: Wharton Center for Leadership and Change, the Forte Foundation

CHANGING FOCUS

A survey of women returning to work after raising families found many shifted professional roles:

Accepted comparable or lower-level job: 83 percent

Changed industries: 61 percent

Changed functional role: 54 percent

Became self-employed: 45 percent

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 3:55pm
So caring for children is of higher moral value than maintaining a happy SOL or financially getting by?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 3:56pm

Oh, I agree that there are a lot of models of interaction but it is confusing to me to read about your method of handling a child's illness and compare it to impressions I get from a wide range of WOHMs. I have often heard friends complain about how it breaks their heart that they couldn't be with their children during an illness (due to work obligation) so it is a bit strange to hear you describe and approach it so differently. I have a very close friend who quit her lucrative job when her second child got RSV very young and she couldn't bear to have someone else care for him during his recovery. (It wasn't the only reason, just the extra shove she needed to make the decision.) Perhaps the fact that your one child was sick more than usual at one point has given you a different perspective that those of us with relatively healthy children can't appreciate.

This topic is really fascinating to me. I think it is difficult for those of us who don't have a nanny to understand how many things/tasks we thought were reserved for just mom or dad that a nanny can do for a family.

"How does the manner in which the question is posed affect the answer? It doesn't, for me." I thought it might matter if you thought your child were asking you to stay home as a way to exert power over you, versus him really requesting your presence for comfort. You have stated that you get frustrated with the whining thing. One way some parents deal with that is to never grant a whiny child's request.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 3:57pm

When I say SAH is not about me, it doesn't mean I'm on an ego trip. SAH allowed my kids to bond with each other so much better than if off in 2 or 3 different directions for dc at various times if I'd WOH. Even now every day each summer, the 3 are pretty much together. Same thing for holidays, vacations, etc. That's been the best benefit of my SAH. Certainly, that can't be said to be about me. I just have to laugh if anyone here thinks SAH is so enjoyable that I do it for myself. But, again, that's what I consider a militant wohm response and that one surely won't die because of anything I say.

I will agree that the sahm of teenagers (obviously in school and activities) is in an enviable position. She gets plenty of me-time, though there are lots of factors whether she's doing it for herself, again mainly the family's finances.

I was never close to the fire, but I sure paid my dues. I paid my own way, taking out student loans and making sacrifices. I fully understand financial independence much better than many wohms.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:04pm

But realistically, if you didn't have a nanny, would your dh really be the one watching a sick child? Wouldn't that (asking him to stay home to be the caregiver on a workday) be a relationship cost you would be unwilling to pay? Or as a compassionate mother, is that even what you'd want to do to your child on a day that he isn't feeling well? (Not trying to dis your dh but is he a good candidate to be caring for your sick child?)

(Basing this on what you've said about your dh's involvement with the kids and how tough you find it to make him be more involved.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:24pm

"....compare it to impressions I get from a wide range of WOHMs."


Are those WOHMS really 100% committed to working, or do they need to work, or are they conflicted or waffling?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:28pm

>>I fully understand financial independence much better than many wohms.<<

How are you financially independent now that you are a FT SAHM? Did you save a lot of $$ from when you WOH and this $$ is growing in a separate "TB3 only" account? Did you pay off all your student loans before you SAH?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:28pm
Yep.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:29pm

"SAH allowed my kids to bond with each other so much better than if off in 2 or 3 different directions for dc at various times if I'd WOH."


I thought "daycare" meant "nanny" to you, based on your town's demographics.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:29pm

>>I can't believe that if anyone's family would not benefit from the second income, a parent would still woh instead of sah because of some profound, intangible need to be financially independent. That's a bit too egotistical for even my comprehension.<<<

Can you describe a situation where a family absolutely **wouldn't** benefit from a second income? (except where the job is below that 'it costs more to send the kids to daycare than SAH' line). Maybe Bill Gates' wife getting a job at Wal Mart would be fairly meaningless, but short of the extremes... I fully acknowledge that any given family may decide that the non-financial benefits of SAH outweigh the financial benefits - based on their priorities. But, I don't think I introduced some concept of 'some profound, intangible need to be financially independent' separate from actually earning money. Are you really saying that unless both incomes are required for financial stability (versus independence) (and what is the cutoff line? Staying off welfare, owning own home, saving for retirement, paying off debt? - who's definition is used), there's no justification for WOH?

Regardless, financial independence for me (for me - for me - for me - there's no need to point out where other people want different things, because I am not referring to others) implies financial independence separate from that of my husband. Thus, by definition, I either must work to establish that financial independence or I have a source of funds available to me (trust fund, inheritence, whatever) that is solely mine.

>>>What I don't accept is that the reason that anyone doesn't SAH is she has some sort of need to be financially "independent." The reason you didn't SAH is you and your family benefited from two incomes.

Nope - no matter how you rewrite it, I WOH because (1) I fundamentally equate financial independence with me working and, (2) as in my original post on this subject, I also derive a sense of self-worth from work that I have not been able to replicate in other settings. I am not suggesting that other people cannot gain that same sense through other means - my best friend just quit her job and couldn't be happier (and I don't secretly believe that she is lying about her happiness). Yes, as a result of my WOH, we do benefit from the money - and I am very pleased about that - but there's no cutoff point upwards where I would suddenly say "That's enough - thank goodness I can now stay at home".

If my husband made twice my income and thus we were able to meet or exceed every savings, financial, and retirement goal we meet now, without my income, I would still WOH. I fully acknowledge that I would likely take a less stressful job, potentially with fewer hours (and thus less pay), and that I would probably try to have some more one-on-one time with my kids outside of daycare. But I would need both the security net of finances and the structured feedback/accomplishments environment of outside work. Maybe in the little dream world of hundreds of millions in the lottery I would instead be free to volunteer my time, but I need that structure.

(not to mention that I actually really like my kids' reaction to daycare, their work there, etc. and so my financial ability to SAH would be separated from my decision not to have them in some form of dc- but this thread is not about my perceived benefits to them)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:33pm

OK, you just verified what I meant.


YOu are more sensitive to potential bonding issues apparently.

Mondo

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