Hitting the "Mommy Wall"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Hitting the "Mommy Wall"
1585
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 11:19am

I am surprised that this actually comes as a surprise to women trying to re-enter the workforce after taking time off to SAH. *Anyone* taking a not-so-brief hiatus from their career should expect the same treatment IMO . . . you're not going to be able to pick up right where you left off.

BTW - "hi" everyone! I've missed it here! :)

Women raise kids, lose careers

By TENISHA MERCER
THE DETROIT NEWS

Veronica Golubovic spent more than 20 years on the runways of Paris, Italy and New York as a designer for some of the most powerful names in fashion -- Yves Saint Laurent, Donna Karan and Perry Ellis.

But it was a three-year gap on her resume -- the hiatus she took after the births of her two children -- that garnered the most attention from prospective employers four years ago when Golubovic tried to resume her career.

She hasn't forgotten one recruiter's look of discomfort when she explained she was a stay-at-home mom. Or the way a top official at a retailer dismissed her during an interview with, "Oh, so now you don't know if you want to be a stay-at-home mommy."

"I came here thinking I've done so much, but it was very difficult," said Golubovic, 45, who eventually opened a designer clothing store in Birmingham, Mich., earlier this year. "I didn't think people would be hung up on it, but it was shocking and surprising. I couldn't believe their reactions."

Thirty years after women began joining the work force in large numbers, many are hitting the "mommy wall" when they try to return to work after having children.

They find it difficult -- if not impossible -- to return to the same positions they left, according to a recent study by the Forte Foundation in New York and the Wharton Center for Leadership and Change at the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania.

Unprepared for the obstacles they face on their return, many opt out of traditional corporate jobs and move to smaller companies. Experts dub the trend the "female brain drain" and say the exodus is coming just as businesses need talented, experienced workers to fill the gap as baby boomers prepare to retire en masse, leaving the biggest labor shortage in history in their wake.

"This is a defining issue for women," said Monica McGrath, an assistant professor at Wharton, who spearheaded the study. "Women who leave as vice presidents are not coming back as vice presidents. Now is not the time for corporations to squander billions of dollars in talent and enthusiasm at their fingertips. This is a talent pool that organizations need. We have a voice at the table, and I would hate to see us lose that."

The study found that half of working mothers who returned to work felt discouraged by their employer. Eighty-three percent ended up accepting a comparable or lower-level position, while 61 percent changed industries. About 45 percent of the women surveyed started their own businesses, and 59 percent went to work at smaller companies. The study is based on interviews with 200 women, most of them with MBA degrees.

The results add more fuel to the debate about whether and how women can blend careers and family. Even as women are graduating from law, business and medical schools at almost the same rates as men, they find their careers shifting in very different directions from their male colleagues once they have children.

"They want to spend time with their children, and it can be very time-consuming," said New York-based Cindy Swensen, who coaches executive women on how to return to work after having children. "Volunteering at the bake sale is probably not going to help you re-enter the work force."

It's a strange phenomenon for a generation of women who were raised to break down barriers while "having it all" -- even if that meant delaying or postponing plans to have children to focus on their careers.

"We hear very few stories of people just stepping back in where they left off," said Joanne Brundage, executive director of Mothers & More, a Chicago-area support group for working women who postpone their careers to have children.

"Clearly, there is a price to be paid for not staying full-time, full-force in most professions," Brundage said. "I think women who are becoming mothers now have a different set of priorities than women did 15 to 20 years ago. Unfortunately, the message may change, but the environment stays the same."

It's a message Cynthia Aks wasn't prepared for. The first female surgeon to graduate from the residency program at Oakland General Hospital in Madison Heights, Mich., in 1990, Aks battled her share of discrimination from colleagues who didn't care to work with women surgeons, she said.

But after Aks, an emergency room surgeon, decided to have a family in her late 30s, she found it tough to regain the solid career footing she had before her triplets were born nearly 13 years ago. Forced to take seven months off for pregnancy complications, her contract was not renewed, she said, because the hospital didn't know how to deal with a female surgeon with children.

Aks resumed her career as a specialty surgeon, but at a huge cost: Her salary plummeted 60 percent.

"The perception is that you cannot juggle multiple hats effectively," said Aks, 49, who now owns a medical practice in Southgate, Mich. "I believe it's challenging, but you can. You can have high aspirations, be successful, have a family and still be involved. It's not equal for women, and I don't think it ever will be."

Southfield, Mich.-based accounting firm Plante & Moran offers tailored work arrangements such as seasonal work, telecommuting and contract employment to retain working mothers. The firm offers the options to management only.

"We want to accommodate people and their schedules," said Bill Bufe, partner and human resources director at the accounting firm. "We've had people who wanted to leave, but we wouldn't let them. We made things much more flexible for them and allowed them to continue to keep their toe in the water here and do what they needed to do in their family."

CHANGING FOCUS WHAT WOMEN CAN DO

WHAT WOMEN CAN DO

Tips for preparing to return to work:

Create a "re-entry" plan with specific goals

Foster a network for support while away from the work force

Volunteer while away and make sure that experience can be framed in business terms when you want to go back to work

Stay connected to colleagues

Maintain professional licenses and memberships and attend continuing education courses

Take classes to refresh knowledge and skills

Stay informed about the business implications of global and economic changes in your field

Secure contract work while away

Be realistic about how long it will take to re-enter the work force

Sources: Wharton Center for Leadership and Change, the Forte Foundation

CHANGING FOCUS

A survey of women returning to work after raising families found many shifted professional roles:

Accepted comparable or lower-level job: 83 percent

Changed industries: 61 percent

Changed functional role: 54 percent

Became self-employed: 45 percent

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:36pm

"But realistically, if you didn't have a nanny, would your dh really be the one watching a sick child?"


Yes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:36pm

Or, why wouldn't they be just as bonded?

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:57pm

And I'm right where you were with #2.

Mondo

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:16pm

Why did the baby have to go three days without fluids? Couldn't the mom nurse when she wasn't at work?

I have a friend who was in the exact same situation. Like your friend, she had an extended maternity leave, and her baby would never take a bottle. But the baby was old enough to eat solid food while mom was at work. The baby simply nursed more frequently when mom was home to make up for it. It wasn't that pleasant for my friend (she got less sleep at night because the baby needed to nurse during the night), but that's what she did. I consider that a much better solution than making a baby go three days without fluids to "force the issue."

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:19pm
I agree that this is a dangerous solution to this problem, but there are some babies who won't take a bottle, no matter how early you introduce it. I introduced a bottle with both my kids at around 3 weeks, and while my older dd was fine with it, the younger one would have nothing to do with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:23pm

"I think it is difficult for those of us who don't have a nanny to understand how many things/tasks we thought were reserved for just mom or dad that a nanny can do for a family."

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For me personally, I think there is a lot more to parenting and being a family than outsourcing what I see as parenting responsiblities by paying someone else to do it. I think I must have a way different idea of what parenting is all about than you. I look at childcare as utilizing a paid provider to care and nurture children while mom and dad are at work, not someone who is going to takeover the bulk of childcare things like taking them to the dentist/doctor/haircuts, spend vacation taking care of the kids nearly 24/7, clothes shopping, making dinner, etc. I'm not saying that YOU pay someone to do all those things, but I realize some people do. I know a few people who really dislike caring for their children and really do outsource quite a bit of it, and what they can't, they complain about. I just really wonder why they had kids? I mean, I know they love them, and that's a silly question, but I honestly do have friends who prefer to spend their free time and days off without their children and that just doesn't make sense to me. I can understand if you have one, and realize that it wasn't what you thought it was going to be cracked up to be, but then to have another? Not you personally, but my friends....

I'm just rambling here....I realize that and I apologize LOL. I'm having a hard time expressing myself on this point and know that I'll probably get ripped apart for things that I've probably not expressed in the way that I mean to.

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:26pm
So you're saying you wouldn't hire someone as an associate if she had sah? Should associates be fired when they have their first child?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:29pm

Did you, or any of the other mothers being mentioned as unable to bottlefeed, ever try to have someone else do the feedings? Babies who are nursed have a hard time taking a bottle from mom. All of my kids resisted the bottle when I gave it to them, but took it much easier by my dh or my mother. A friend of mine had a problem with her supply and her dd was not getting enough nourishment. She was failing to thrive but they assumed it was due to something else (she had nursed two other children w/o difficulty so they didn't realize it was inadequate milk production until later). She was forced to supplement with formula but the baby would not take the bottle from her. She ended up having to take the baby over to her neighbor's house every day, leave the house and let the neighbor feed her. She resisted the bottle at first, but overcame anxiety and eventually my friend was actually able to start supplementing with the bottle herself w/o relying on others.

I couldn't be around at all when we were first introducing the bottle to my older three - if they knew I was around (it must have been instinctual!), they would fight the bottle. I wonder if having someone else try it would have helped in at least some of these situations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:34pm

And she chose not to nurse at all, allowing the child to suffer, as opposed to at least nursing when she was home? She couldnt have run home or to dc on her lunch hour to nurse? Most 6 mo infants I've known are at least on *some* solids-cereal, fruits, etc., so even with the baby refusing a bottle, like mom34101 said, there were plenty of other (safer!) solutions than just refusing to allow the child to nurse.

Deyhdration in an infant can set in very quickly and be quite dangerous. I cannot believe a parent would take such a risk with a baby.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 6:15pm

Felicia, I don't know what to think about your dh. You've often stated that you are frustrated with his level of voluntary involvement with the kids (and the amount of housework he does.) Was it so horribly illogical for me to project some of that information to his probable involvement caring for sick children? It seems really odd to me that the guy you've painted who doesn't really stretch his neck out to spend time with the kids on his own turns out to be Super Wonder Nurse Dad on the sick days. If you say it is true, I suppose there is nothing I can do about it but shrug.

In many ways you sound like my older sister. She does the bulk of the housework and most of the activities with her children and always has. Even if her dh had ten times the number of days available to take off from work than she did, it would be very difficult for her to ask him, for several reasons. It has to do with the nature of their relationship and the precendent set and her ideas of parenting, not much to do with differing work policies.

I don't know what I assume as far as sick care goes when you aren't working. As you can see above, I do find it surprising that in so many other ways, you've got a dh who isn't necessarily going to win Mr. Hands-On Dad of the Year, but in this specific category, he does win it. Maybe I missed all the posts you've written extolling your dh's fatherhood qualities...

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