How do you view "Fatherhood"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2010
How do you view "Fatherhood"
147
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 9:08pm
How involved should men be with their children and how involved ARE men (in reality) involved with their children?
Please indicate if you have children and you are speaking from personal experience. I think it would also be interesting to see how each gender views this topic, so please also indicate if you're male or female.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 9:52pm
I think men should be very involved. My dh is about as involved as I am, and it pretty much disgusts me when other women tell me I'm "lucky". No, I married someone who is not a loser, TYVM. No man should call watching is own children babysitting. I shouldn't be lucky that I can inform my dh that I am going somewhere without the kids, rather than asking permission.

"It is said that men may not be the dreams of the Gods, but rather that the Gods are the dreams of men."


-Carl Sagan

"It is said that men may not be the dreams of the Gods, but rather that the Gods are the dreams of men."


-Carl S

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 11:28am
YES! The kind of man that needs to be pleaded with to take care of his own kids is not someone that I would be interested in marrying.














iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 4:54pm

My feeling on that has changed some over the years, while a man who is not very hands on with his children is not someone that I would choose for a DH I no longer would automatically put such a man in the loser category.

My BIL was not very hands on until my nephew was pre-school age. He did not change diapers so anytime my sister had plans that kept her away for more than a quick run to the store she had to make arrangements for my nephews care.

At I time I felt it was terrible. Now, not so much so. In the end I do not see any lack in my BIL and nephews relationship because he did not give much hand on care during the first 4 years of my nephews life. Their relationship is just as close and loving as the relationship that my DH has with our DDs even though he was a very hands on father.

I think it has more do to with the expectations of the spouses than whether it is right or wrong. While for me having a spouse that uninvolved would have be cause for a lot of resentments, fight etc, for my sister it was really a none issue.

No one is perfect and if someone has a spouse who is very good in every other way but has the fault of not changing diapers and they have no issue with them not changing diapers then I think it is a none issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 12:38am
I guess it could be a non-issue... but I couldn't respect a person who behaves that way, regardless of whether or not their spouse doesn't mind. Anyone can learn to change a diaper, and refusal to do so is childish IMO.

"It is said that men may not be the dreams of the Gods, but rather that the Gods are the dreams of men."


-Carl Sagan

"It is said that men may not be the dreams of the Gods, but rather that the Gods are the dreams of men."


-Carl S

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 8:04am
Would you really let one thing deem a person unworthy of respect? If that is the case then I don't see how you can respect anyone. None of us are perfect and probably all have at least one quality that others view as wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 9:14am
Yes, because refusal to care for one's children in that way (watching them, changing them) is indicative of a larger issue. It may not be as bad as this example, but it's like asking if I would not respect someone who abuses their spouse as long as the spouse didn't mind.

"It is said that men may not be the dreams of the Gods, but rather that the Gods are the dreams of men."


-Carl Sagan

"It is said that men may not be the dreams of the Gods, but rather that the Gods are the dreams of men."


-Carl S

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 11:21am

As I said in my OP I used to think that it was terrible because I also thought it was indicative of another issue but I no longer think so. My BIL and nephew have always had a very close and loving relationship. The only thing that him not caring for his son alone when he was in diapers indicates is the fact that he is not a baby person.

There are many that posted that there are certain ages they like and others that they don't.

In fact I myself have stated that I am not much for the baby stage (which has probably has a lot to do with the fact that I would not want to be in a marriage where my DH was not hands on at that stage).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 3:31pm
I understand that my DH is not a baby person, but the fact is that he HAS a baby. I'm not pre-teen person, but that doesn't mean that it will be okay for me to become a hands-off parent when my children are pre-teens.














iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 3:51pm

I never said that he was a complete hands off parent when my nephew was a baby. I said that he never watched him alone when he was in diapers. Not changing a diaper in itself does not make one a hands off parent.

You may not be able to be a complete hands off parent when your kids are pre-teens but you can hand off some of the aspects that you do like off. That is one of the perks of raising a child in a relationship rather as a single parent.

I am curious if you consider a father who does not change a diaper to be hands off do you also consider a father who does not feed their baby to also be hands off. That is the case in a lot of families that exclusively breast feed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 4:13pm

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This is probably why I consider him a hands-off parent. I don't know at what age your nephew was fully potty trained, but my 2-year-old is still in diapers and I can't imagine a hands-on parent going 2+ years without ever being alone with their child.

Edited to answer your question: Yes, I consider someone that goes two years without ever changing a diaper or feeding their child to be hands-off. Even while I was breastfeeding my DH still occasionally fed our son pumped milk while I was at work.




Edited 3/30/2010 4:16 pm ET by finally.me




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