How do you view "Fatherhood"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2010
How do you view "Fatherhood"
147
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 9:08pm
How involved should men be with their children and how involved ARE men (in reality) involved with their children?
Please indicate if you have children and you are speaking from personal experience. I think it would also be interesting to see how each gender views this topic, so please also indicate if you're male or female.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 11:26am

Not always.

If a spouse says to the other spouse. "I really want you to help me in the changing of diapers" and the other spouse refuses to do so then it would be disrespectful.

But if a spouse does not care of the other spouse changes diapers then it is not disrespectful for them to not change diapers.

There are many ways to divide up chores within a household and one way is for one to one spouse to take on a chore completely. In my household I am the bill payer. DH is not disrespecting me because he does not pay any bills. He would only be disrespecting me if I asked for help in paying bills and he refused.




Edited 4/3/2010 11:30 am ET by emptynester2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:07pm
Like I said before, one spouse never being alone with a child until it is 2 years old is a bit different than one spouse doing all of one chore. Regardless of whether or not the spouse cares, it's still disrespectful, childish, and selfish. I understand that you don't agree with me, but I'm certainly not going to agree with you, either.

"It is said that men may not be the dreams of the Gods, but rather that the Gods are the dreams of men."


-Carl Sagan

"It is said that men may not be the dreams of the Gods, but rather that the Gods are the dreams of men."


-Carl S

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:09pm
Anyone can learn to change a diaper, and refusal to do so is childish IMO.



I could take the trash out to the curb too, but I have no interest, and flat out refuse. Dh rarely changes a diaper, I don't take trash farther than the garage. It works out fine for us, it's not childish.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:22pm
Yes, because refusal to care for one's children in that way (watching them, changing them) is indicative of a larger issue.



Rather than picking out one thing and stating that it is indicative of a larger issue - why not just look at the bigger picture before judging it?



If you judged by dh on the number of diapers he's changed, you'd come to the wrong conclusion about him as a father. If you looked at the big picture, you'd get a good sense of the kind of dad he is.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:26pm
And to the idea that kids don't remember who changed their diaper, so it doesn't matter, i disagree. While the baby may not remember, the siblings will. I think it is important for my kids, especially the boys, to see their father doing things like changing a diaper, fixing breakfast, and playing with the baby.



Siblings may or may not remember who changed the diapers, and they may or may not assign any importance to that. Siblings will get the big picture, so if dad didn't change any diapers but did lots of other things, the lack of diaper changing will likely not matter one whit.



I'd give more weight to what siblings actually felt about their dad, than an outside judging dad based on diaper count.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:33pm

I agree, being alone with a child for two years is quite different.

That would have been my case, we were a military family who did not live by family so without DH it would have all fallen to me.

But that was not my sister's case. She had lot of family near by to step in and help (including me), so her DH not changing did not mean her changing 100% of the diapers.

Again, we have no way of knowing know but if they would have been in the situation of no outside help then he may have stepped in an helped.

My DBIL may be a bit lazy when it comes to household stuff but he is not disrespectful, childish or selfish. Their marriage may not be one that I would like but they have been very happily married for over 34 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:36pm
Isn't the ability to not have to do absolutely everything a perk of being in a relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:39pm
According to him, the dirty work did matter as the gender roles were much too confining in his parenting era. I love my dad and I love that he was self-aware enough to know that things changed, and in his opinion, changed for the better.



I used to think it was so great that my ex and I shared the diaper changing. We shared most daily parenting tasks. We were very "equal" minded. My second marriage is more traditional, with me SAH and him working, me doing all the diapers, him doing certain other things that I don't do, and it actually suits me much better (though we aren't strictly traditional, we lean more towards that). What's changed for the better is that we have choices, and we can choose more traditional roles or more equal roles, depending on what suits us. So I agree with you that the problem before was gender roles being too confining. For me having very equal roles was something that was drilled into me as being better. I bought it. But it didn't work because it didn't suit me as much as traditional roles do.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:41pm

Even if someone could predict what their children will remember, they could reinforce the memory and pretty much ensure the child doesn't forget by periodically reminding them.

It's much harder though, to predict what their children will consider important.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human



"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:45pm
It's not indicative of an issue of the relationship with the child, but with the spouse. I don't get to not be a baby person, do I? I'm not, actually. I still had to change diapers. If a dad does not change diapers, that also means that unless she finds some other care, mom gets no break from the child until he/she is out of diapers. No matter how you frame it, I can not respect a man who makes that kind of "stand".



Number 1, it might not be a stand. It might be a preference that is supported by his spouse. Number 2, my dh changes on average 4 diapers a month. We have twins. However, I get plenty of breaks. Either when the sitter is here, or because he gives me big breaks in other areas of our life.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human



"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

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