How does this relate to the debate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
How does this relate to the debate?
2771
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 7:56pm
Hey I rhymed! lol

Something occurred to me earlier and I wanted to see how others thought it might relate to the whole "which is harder SAH/WOH" portion of the debate that crops up so often.

I think that, when you look at either group *as a whole*, the WOHs might have it harder. And this is why ...

There are virtually no SAHMs who SAH because they "have to". There are virtually no SAHMs who are forced to SAH. A woman that SAH wants to SAH.(I'm sure there's a few exceptions out there; controlling dhs who MAKE their wives SAH, disabled children, etc) A woman that SAH doesn't hate her "job", or else she'd go get a WOH job. A woman that SAH is generally getting what she wants.

There are LOTS AND LOTS of WOHMs who WOH because they "have to". A single mom, or one whose dh doesn't make enough to support the family, or one with a disabled dh, whatever the case may be ... she may long, with all her heart, to SAH, but *can't*. Many WOHMs hate their jobs, but can't quit.

Anyhoo ... just wanted to stir up something new

Hollie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 7:59am
Add Westchester County, NY and Broward County, FL to your list.

Jenna

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 8:06am
You're a perfect example of what I was saying in my post.

Is WOH harder for you because its "harder"? Or is it harder because you'd rather be home with your kids? It seems to me its the latter for you. If you really enjoyed your job and loved your career, it might not seem as hard, becaue you wouldn't be pining to be at home.

That said .. .I"ve done both; actually I've done it all. After dd was born, I WAH for 9 mo, then PT for another year. Loved it. Then I went back to work FT. Loved it too. Then after ds was born, I stayed home with both kids for a year. And while I didn't HATE it; I didn't love it was much as working. I felt part of me was missing. (probably the same feeling moms who want to SAH but WOH instead feel).

I'm now WOHFT again (this time, although I would have chosen to, given the opportunity, I'm a "have to" WOH single mom). And I love my job and career.

Anyhoo, that's the short version of my story.

Hollie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 9:00am
No, you didn't tell me - I wasn't here. If you don't want to retype could you at least link to the thread? Thanks

SUS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 9:14am
You still left the workforce for children. I don't differentiate between step-children and birthed children or their age wrt when and why you leave the workforce. I admittingly left the first time because I missed being home with my baby and bought into alot of the militant crap. I then admit that I ended up leaving the last time because that same dd who thrived in dc once I got over myself was sick and I felt it was more important for me to be home and we had the means to make that possible. But I can also say that if I ever wish to return to either place, I stand a very good chance of making more then what I did when I return and having the ability to base it on not only the years of experiance I acquired before, but also my good negotiating skills and extreme confidence in myself to handle the job (knowing and remaining communicative with my old boss helps ;O)

I don't do the things I do for countless people that I have never met, probably will never meet and have the capabilities to negotiate returning into the workforce or remaining in the workforce on their own merit. They have their own voice, they have their own legs, thoughts and goals. I am pretty sure they can handle themselves very well.

But it is always good to know that you fixed low pay for women...congrats on a feat accomplished by only one person, wonder if the rest of womankind realize what an awsome inspiration you are?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 9:27am
You very well could have found a job that allowed your children to be present with you through the entire day. You could venture out on your way and keep evening hours when your spouse is home. Granted, the pay and benefits might not be all that great...but it can be done, even for a lawyer.

See, your making excuses as to my comment about a WOH not being able to handle her children all day that I put up against your comment that a SAH can't handle the juggle of a dual working family.

Both were and are insane comments that simply are not always true. Yes, there are some WOH that cannot handle their children all day and they choose to work. And Yes, there are some SAH who cannot juggle a dwp home and so they choose to SAH.

However, the fun thing about life is that there is no set mold that we can all fit into. We all do what we do for different reasons, there is no "catch-all" reason as you wish to imply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 9:33am
Not the case where I live. At the middle and HS level theer is no correlation between SAH and WOH and volunteering. Last year, every time I volunteered it was mostly WOHMs, and the same WOHMs on top of it.

My ds attends a new elementary school. I am on the PTA board and the SAC. The membership of both is equally divided between SAH and WOH moms and dads.

I really don't know too many SAHMs who have children in HS.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 9:36am
Oh please, my dd has gotten straight As since first grade and she is now in HS. She in in honors courses for every subject. She wants to be an aeronautical engineer. I have always WOH.


Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 9:43am
But that still doesn't negate the fact that she SAH in order to benefit her whole family. She COULD have done all of those things, but this was the biggest benefit to her family in her situation. She didn't just SAH because SHE wanted to.

Just as your working benefits YOUR whole family, but you COULD SAH, doesn't mean that you work solely for YOUR benefit.

SUS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 9:50am
Right now, I am enjoying SAH/WAH. But if the argument is that SAH is easier because it is what people want to do, I find that a bit off target. We don't know that. And it is much LESS acceptable for a SAH to wish (aloud) for the other side than it is for a WOH to do the same, so I don't think we will ever have an accurate view of this.

In my current situation WOH was easier for a variety of reasons.

SUS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 9:59am
You sound like one of those militant sahm's who claims that anyone can do it if they are just willing to make the necessary sacrifices. The thing is, I never said that I couldn't do it. Quite the opposite in fact. I simply said that sah works best for my family at this point in time.

Furthermore, who are you to say that our lives "would be JUST AS EASY" if I hired a nanny? It's just not true. We don't want the added stress in our lives that my working would entail, and there would be added stress for all of us, regardless of our childcare arrangements.

As for my baby, you have no idea what you're talking about. Actually, at 4-6 weeks she would take a bottle. It wasn't until about a month later that she abruptly refused it and hasn't looked back since. We tried for months to get her to take one. I tried. Dh tried. So did our dcp, my best friend, my mom, my dad . . . . She just won't do it. Do I think she would have starved if I had returned to work? No. Eventually, I'm sure she would have given in. But I didn't see any reason to put her through that. It certainly wasn't the only reason that I decided to sah, but it did play a role. When we looked at the big picture, it made more sense for me to sah. Maybe that's difficult for you to understand because you seem so focused on what you want.

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