How does this relate to the debate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
How does this relate to the debate?
2771
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 7:56pm
Hey I rhymed! lol

Something occurred to me earlier and I wanted to see how others thought it might relate to the whole "which is harder SAH/WOH" portion of the debate that crops up so often.

I think that, when you look at either group *as a whole*, the WOHs might have it harder. And this is why ...

There are virtually no SAHMs who SAH because they "have to". There are virtually no SAHMs who are forced to SAH. A woman that SAH wants to SAH.(I'm sure there's a few exceptions out there; controlling dhs who MAKE their wives SAH, disabled children, etc) A woman that SAH doesn't hate her "job", or else she'd go get a WOH job. A woman that SAH is generally getting what she wants.

There are LOTS AND LOTS of WOHMs who WOH because they "have to". A single mom, or one whose dh doesn't make enough to support the family, or one with a disabled dh, whatever the case may be ... she may long, with all her heart, to SAH, but *can't*. Many WOHMs hate their jobs, but can't quit.

Anyhoo ... just wanted to stir up something new

Hollie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:07am
Of course I'm exaggerating, but why the heck would she be unwillingly picking up slack for any friends or acquaintances, regardless of work status? It's just like the sweepingly broad (and not totally accurate) statement in my post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:08am
I wish that were the case here. Dh works for a company where face time is important and taking time off to care for a sick kid is just not looked upon very favorably. I can't imagine what the reaction would be if he took FMLA leave to take care of our baby. It was quite a struggle when I spent a month in the hospital before our second child was born last December. I tell you his IT company makes my stodgy old law firm look progressive. Neither one of us likes the situation, but jobs like his don't grow on trees, especially in this economy, and there are other things that he loves about his job, so we are just trying to make the best of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:10am
That's too funny - I do make everyone take their shoes off at the front door!! Is that just a Swedish thing?

Unfortunately, my grandfather was born in this country and his parents wanted to assimilate, so I doubt even he remembers any Swedish words (and I don't know any - what a pity).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:11am
And if she does "scrape 40 quarter" up, then she will be paid based upon the amount she paid in. Someone who made $30K a year gets less SS than someone who paid $60K a year.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for mygriffin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:16am
You don't need an outside job to show your kids that things HAVE to be done, whether you like it or not. I do things that need to be done (that I incidentally may not LOVE) every day, and I make my kids do the same. I model that behavior IN FRONT OF THEM.

My boys don't know where the money comes from. Heck, they don't even know that we pay a mortgage bill each month so we can live in our house. Sure, Daddy, may pay for the house, their clothes, food and toys, but Mommy is the one who keeps their house and clothes clean and makes their food and plays with their toys. Which do you think is more prevalent in a 2 or 5yo's mind?

Things change when they get older. For now, I want my kids oblivious to any money concerns we may have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:16am
I figured you were exaggerating, which is why I asked. ;)

>>>but why the heck would she be unwillingly picking up slack for any friends or acquaintances, regardless of work status?<<<

One thought I have on this is some friends or acquaintances, especially if they are family, are too demanding. I had to completely STOP helping my sister out at one point because it got to such an extreme level of expectations from her. Because I SAH, I should have had unlimited time to keep her kid or take him here or there or do this or that. I'm not saying every WOHP is like that, they aren't....heck, some SAHPs are like that, but having one or two people like that in your life (especially if they are family and you can't just "drop" the friendship) can really frustrate you. And if you aren't careful, it can color the way you see others who fit into the "catagory" (SAHP, WOHP, Single Parent, Married Parent, etc) that person making demands upon you does.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:18am
Well, the fact is people rarely actually take that long, usually (like we do) taking a few days here and there. Most of my co-workers do it very similarly...they take off half days and the spouse takes the other half. It is not ideal, but at least we can keep things going until the schedule gets back to normal again. Time off for sick children does not need to be made up...it is covered by the national health insurance so the employer does not pay for the days a parent takes off for a sick child. It is an interesting question though, because Sweden has far longer vacation times than the US and, quite surprisingly, the Swedish site compares very favorably to the US site in terms of overall productivity. An American who came over to Sweden noticed that our group has a tendency to work very intensively (not a lot of conversation during working hours, though there are two coffee breaks where everyone breaks the silence for a few minutes) compared to Americans in a similar lab. I haven't ever, for example, posted anything to the board from work and never use the internet for cruising...I am usually just too busy. It feels a bit easier to work so intensively, though, because you know that there is a long break coming up a some point. It's a theory anyway...

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:19am
I agree you don't need a job to demonstrate bucking up and doing what needs to be done. But it is one very important way. And as you say, the kids will understand that better when they are older.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:21am
But that's a personality issue - you just have to say no, directly or diplomatically, depending on the relationship. Doesn't give imposed on SAHMs the right to complain about it - just fix the problem!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:24am
It's actually a pretty European (though not Brittish) thing, but the Swedes are known for the obsessiveness about it. When I had my house warming party for my dept. (40odd people including kids), every single person coming in the door dutifully took their shoes off in the entrance...it was an impressive sight :-). Too bad about your grandfather! But I know that that feeling of the need for assimilation was very prevalent until recently. I still sometimes have a hard time getting people to understand that our kids can be perfectly assimilated into Swedish society without us speaking Swedish at home.

Laura

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