How to handle day care provider's son...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
How to handle day care provider's son...
23
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 10:46pm
Hello, My 4 1/2 year old attends an in home day care that she has gone to since she was 6 weeks old. We lover her caregiver. She is like family...But, my daughter came home today telling me that her 13 year old son smacked her on the hand. Apparently she was petting the dog, but her son told her that she was being to rough with the dog and smacked her hand. This is the first time anything like this has happened and I don't know quite how to approach the issue with her sitter. Granted, he did not hurt her, but I still need to talk to her sitter tommorow and I need advice on what to say and how to bring it up. Please help...need ideas!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 11:06pm

I think you expressed the problem quite eloquently and could just share in the same way with your daughter's caregiver--maybe get there a few minutes early? And share what your daughter told you and ask what her suggestion is for how you both can work through the issue.

Also, I'd be sure to encourage and reinforce your daughter for sharing with you--I think it's awesome that she brought up the issue with you.

Just a sidenote--please make sure your sitter would not leave your daughter alone with her son even for a little bit--. My mother's friend's son was about that age--and me your daughter's age--when he exposed himself to me. It was the only time I was ever left alone with him, for only a few minutes, and I cringe to think what might have happened had the opportunity ever come up again. They are a wonderful family but I think boys of that age can be very curious--I didn't tell anyone until the memory was just a scar, not because I was afraid, but because as a child I thought it would destroy the wonderful friendship my parents had with his parents, and it probably would have.

Given my experience, I'd be tempted to tell my daughter to scream bloody murder if the boy got within two feet of her. :) I think sometimes we work too hard at teaching our kids to be polite, and not enough time teaching them to say "No". . .

I wish I knew how to help; I think I'm too damaged by what in retrospect should be a very minor experience to be objective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 8:46am
I am sorry for your personal experience. Please however be careful to not assume that all 13 yo boys would do what was done to you.It isn't fair to assume that 13 yo boys are all potential abusers.What that boy did to you wasn't within the realm of normal curiosity. It isn't normal behavior to do sexual things with a small child. That being said, the sitter shouldn't leave the child in anyone else's care without permission from the parents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 8:54am

Say just what you have said here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:16am
huh? jg admitted her less objective opinion because of her experience....i would think it's pretty darn natural to be a bit more precautious because of her past experience and scar.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:47am
Yes, but it is a poor idea to project that experience into every situation. Giving the advice that 13 year old boys are curious and assuming that curiosity leads to abnormal behavior is not being objective. Perhaps she should have declined to give advice given her lack of objectivity, for clearly understandable reasons on her part though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:52am
are you denying that sometimes,our past experiences do reflect our current opinions? and um,this is a public debate forum. i think she was within her right to post.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 10:50am

No, not at all. What I am saying, which I thought I pointed out rather clearly is that past experience can keep opinions from being objective.

Of course she is within her right to post. I haven't said that she isn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 3:27pm

I'd rather be a little overly cautious than put my own child through such an experience. The fact is that children are sexually abused all the time by people who would never have been thought capable of such an offense, and the rates of molestation are high enough that one could argue that in fact it is pretty common behavior, if not "normal."

I have a son, and one day he will be a teenager. I wouldn't want people to assume he would molest a little girl just because he is male or 13 years old, but I would certainly respect a parent's caution. I also don't think I would put him in a situation of being accused of such an aberration by leaving him alone with a child. There again, I'm probably being overly cautious, but I've seen lives ruined from false accusations. So I do see both sides of the equation, but appreciate your reminder.

Do you think it is normal for a teenage boy to slap a little girl's hand?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 5:13pm
It isn't safe to assume he can't possibly be a danger just because not all 13yo boys are. It's safest to not make an assumption either way and just use standard precautions as the poster suggested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:00pm
You might want to find out how often your daughter and this boy are alone together. How did the dcp not see this happen?

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