How prevelant is this attitude?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
How prevelant is this attitude?
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Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:29am
A post below peeked my interest, as I have run into this a few times IRL, and alot online. How prevelant is the thinking that SAHP's are just home because they expect someone else to support them. Or because they are too lazy to get a job or keep a job. I didn't really keep up on the story of that governor who had twins while in office, but if I remember, her husband was a SAHP and it was constantly rumored that he wasn't a SAHD, he just couldn't keep a job. That may be true, I don't know, but I found it interesting that it even came up.

In the past, I have run into alot of people (alot in my own disfunctional family) who view the SAHP (me at the time) as someone who either cannot or won't hold down a job. They (in a general sense) tend to overlook the SAHP as someone who is not worthwhile of their time and attention. I know that there are judgements made on both sides of this, and I think we hear alot of the SAHP's judgements here because it tends to ruffle feathers. But I'm wondering how many other people have run into the WOHP's judgements or even to hear from WOHPs here who have the same judgements because I really don't understand this way of thinking.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:39am
In my adult life, I have only heard one stay at home parent who was described this way. It was a stay at home dad. I would think that stay at home dads would run into this more frequently than a stay at home mom.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:46am
I think there are 2 components here.

One is the SAHP that is a lazy dumbass that wants to sit around all day watching soaps and eating bon-bons. This is the one that can't hold a job because they don't want to and want someone to just take care of them. I think these SAHPs are about as rare as the WOHP that works *only because* they want to drive an expensive car and wants to get the heck away from her kids.

Then the other is the SAHP that isn't educated, skilled or experienced enough to have a job that would pay enough to cover daycare, etc. This is usally a woman who wants to SAH, so she didn't get a college degree. She has usually SAH all her life, had kids right after marriage and has never had much of a job to speak of so has no experience. Its not cause she is lazy or isn't smart enough or responsible enough to work, there's just no need to. She enjoys SAH. She has no problem with *earning her own way* if need be, but there is no need. I think this kind of SAHP is probably pretty common.

Only the first group should be viewed as negative. But that's most likely the type of person that would be a lazy dumbass married or not. Kids or not. Job or not.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:48am
sure there are some sahm who do so because they cant or wont hold a job, just as there are some wohm who do so because they just dont want to spend time with their kids. BUT....neither is the norm. unfortunately some people want to take the extreme side of everything and try to apply to a group as a whole, and that NEVER works. now for me, i sah because I want to, i dont believe my kids are better off because of it. my kids are going to be just fine because they have loving, caring, involved parents and they have that regardless of parental work status, those things are not related. i see some good things my kids get by having me sah and i see some things that are not so good for them because i sah and it was the same when i woh, neither is going to be perfect. and since i do count and what i want to do is important i sah and they get the benefits and deal with the not so good things. my goal has never been to try to provide a perfect life for my kids because i know its just not possible, so i strive to make sure they are growing up in a family that is close and loving, where the goal is that everyone is happy even though it is not perfect.

Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:52am
It's a matter of how you choose to interpret it. My thought would be that, yes, the decision to have one parent stay home would be dependent on the other parent being able to support the family financially. That's something the people involved would have to decide.

But, really, isn't "SAH is only for the lazy/stupid" just the flip side of "WOH is only for the greedy/don't care about their children"? I would hope that most people, on both sides of the argument, would recognize how insulting both views are to almost everybody.

Avatar for bobcatkathi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 12:41pm
Actually no. The SAHD issue, I don't know because I don't really know any SAHDs. My husband doesn't work a lot of hours but I don't think anyone really cares since it doesn't put a burden on anyone.

Moms stay at home more here because it just makes sense not put out all that money in child care if the dad can support the family. It certainly isn't seen as lazy. Each family just decides what is the most sensible course for their family.

IRL, I just don't really see the debate unless the working mother is a rotten mother and blames it on work status. Or the sahm is running the family to the poorhouse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 12:52pm
You have an interpretation issue here, or maybe a general logic issue? Perhaps an innocent confusion of cause and requirement (because you just aren't quick enough to get it) or a intentional confusion of the same (because you just assume most of the board is too slow to notice). Let me fix things for you

<>

THAT MAKES NO SENSE. It could only be prevalent thinking amongst the mentally challenged.

This makes sense

<>

Pretty darn prevalent, I'm thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 1:03pm
Once again, you didn't address the issue. You would rather poke at how stupid I must be than to address the issue.

So yes, the SAHP has to have a way to support themselves and their children. Most typically that is through their spouse. That doesn't mean that they choose to SAH because they don't want to "pay their way". To be honest, the "paying my way" thing never even came into the decision for me because any money brought into our home is ours. Just because the paycheck has my husband's name on it (or now mine) doesn't mean that it isn't mine (or his in the opposite case).

The issue of my post was not whether a SAHP had to have a source of income to survive. It was trying to understand the logic behind someone who believes that the SAHP does so because they don't believe in "paying their way".

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:53pm
I personally have never viewed women who stay home as lazy or unable to work. I simply put them in the it's their life they can live how they choose category. I know SAHMs who have law degrees, masters degrees, and a lot of pre-baby experience. I also know SAHMs who went from their parents to a husband without ever holding a job. They picked the wife and mother career and I can't view them as lazy because of that choice. There's nothing lazy about taking care of a house and children.

Anyway, I think the people who do have that viewpoint may have their own issues to deal with.

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 3:03pm
I have never come across this attitude IRL. Where I live it is WOHMs whom are looked down upon. When I lived in NY the women I knew had every type of work status you could imagine. When I got here to FL I found that if I worked people's attitude was "Your dh is an attorney so why do you work?" It was then that I found out that many SAHMs really look down their nose at WOHMs and that some people believe every social ill in society was caused by mothers who work.

I realize that my experience is that of only one person.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 3:54pm
I don't think SAHMs are lazy. A couple of the SAHMs I know are glad that they don't have to deal with the working world though.

There's no accounting for attitudes. I lost one SAHM friend because "I want to spend all my nights and weekend time with just DH." Huh? I WOH FT. How would you ever see me?

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