How prevelant is this attitude?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
How prevelant is this attitude?
222
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:29am
A post below peeked my interest, as I have run into this a few times IRL, and alot online. How prevelant is the thinking that SAHP's are just home because they expect someone else to support them. Or because they are too lazy to get a job or keep a job. I didn't really keep up on the story of that governor who had twins while in office, but if I remember, her husband was a SAHP and it was constantly rumored that he wasn't a SAHD, he just couldn't keep a job. That may be true, I don't know, but I found it interesting that it even came up.

In the past, I have run into alot of people (alot in my own disfunctional family) who view the SAHP (me at the time) as someone who either cannot or won't hold down a job. They (in a general sense) tend to overlook the SAHP as someone who is not worthwhile of their time and attention. I know that there are judgements made on both sides of this, and I think we hear alot of the SAHP's judgements here because it tends to ruffle feathers. But I'm wondering how many other people have run into the WOHP's judgements or even to hear from WOHPs here who have the same judgements because I really don't understand this way of thinking.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 4:10pm
Actually, college is my fall back plan. :( The only reason I'm even contemplating going is because I cannot physically have anymore children, and b/c of DH, I cannot adopt or foster parent. My plan was to parent my children, then foster parent through my "working years". Unfortanately, that can no longer happen, so what to do now? I'm still not sure I will be going to college. It is something I toy with daily at this point b/c it just really isn't something I see a complete need for in my life.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 4:11pm
How does anyone else broaden their horizons? They live their life. marriage and having children at an early age doesn't keep you from that.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 4:13pm
I guess I thinking about exposure to different places, people, etc. Like Peace Corps or the military.

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 4:41pm
ITA!! Why is it ok for women to plan not to work but not for men? Men are expected to wait until they are retirement age or independently wealthy before it's acceptable that they not work to support themselves but the moment a woman has kids, she's entitled to plan not to work and it's ok for her to have someone else support her? I really don't get the double standard here. It's OK for women to plan not to work when working to support them is warranted but not so for men. Either it's ok to plan to let someone else care for you or it's not. Personally, I don't think I have the right to ask dh to work support me if I'm not willing to work to support him. Since I don't plan on working to support him not working, I don't ask him to work to support me not working. So, we both work.

I've never understood why one parent should be expected to work their butt off so the other one can stay home and enjoy their babies. Why don't both parents work together so BOTH parents can enjoy their babies??? Maybe we could do something about that 26 cents on the dollar we women don't make if it wasn't a womans perogative to have someone else support her as soon as she breeds. What would happen if all the dads out there suddenly decided they wanted to plan to SAH???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 6:09pm
So the fact that I had a career for many years prior to children is suddenly moot because I chose to retire early once I had children? Or the fact that it will be MY investments that will allow dh to retire earlier than the *average* retirement age?

Maybe because my dh and I have a real partnership, where its not about his $$ and my $$ but what we can accomplish together. Of course, you are right, if dh didnt work we'd still need an income, unless we drastically reduced our standard of living in which case then YES we could live off my investments (not a savings account, btw, I get a monthly income). Fact is, I had an opportunity to retire early whereas dh did not. We made the decision together that it would be benefical to us and our family that I retire now, which opened up the window for me to return to school and have career #2 later on.

I am NOT an advocate for "young girls being allowed to plan not to work". I see having a sahp as somewhat of a luxury-not a necessity. And I am totally against women having babies and a young age before they are able to obtain an education and get some work experience. And I see nothing wrong with the father being a sahp either-in our case it was simply that the opportunity arose for me to sah as opposed to dh.

But on a personal level, I purposely delayed having children until I was older so that I (and they) would have a lot more opportunity and choices when it came to the way dh and I wanted to raise them. What you dont seem to comprehend is that for many people, its not just about not wanting to work.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 6:29pm
You are definitely an exception not the rule. There aren't many people who could live off of one's good investments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 6:44pm
I agree with you to a point. As a matter a fact I agree with a lot of your posts. But I need to disagree with you one this one.

The whole 76 cents to a dollar arguement I think can be debated from several different perspectives. I personally make about 15K more than my husband and have never felt like I deserved less than a man, maybe that's why I've always gotten it. Women tend to be more passive than men when asking for what they need or climbing their way to the top. I am not. I refuse to believe that being a bearer of children would cause me to earn less money. You often get what expect, if not what you deserve.

Sometimes it just comes down to biological make up. As women we are genetically programmed to crave our children. Men on the otherhand, while their love is just as deep as ours for their children, they don't have that instinctive urge to, as you so eloquently put it "breed." Nor do they have a strong as nesting instinct as women. They're the hunters, we're the gathers right. It's going to take a lot more years of evolution to clear the slate on that one. Anyway being a nurturer and nester are all part of being a woman, which I cherish and celebrate. Can you nurture and work full-time? Sure. I know I can. I certainly don't view sahms for being the cause of a gender-based discrepancy in earninings.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 7:21pm
LOL well I didnt say we'd live well! But it would be *possible*. Not a life I would desire-if dh for some reason was no longer able/willing to work ft, I'd go to work full time. But since he does not seem inclined to do that, and he is happy with me working pt and going to school pt (as am I), we will keep things status quo.

We also see a bigger picture here too. Just because dh is doing the lion's share of work outside the home at this time, that does not mean that is how its going to be forever. When I am at the point where I am secure in my *career number 2* (once I complete my degree, etc), dh will most likely reduce his hours. And because of my investments when I was in my 20's (PRIOR to having children!) he and I both look forward to an early retirement.

Maybe its demographics or something, but I dont see this as terribly uncommon. Pretty much ALL my friends were in their 30's when they started families (a few in their late 20's, and I can only think of 2 people I know who were 25 or younger!), so we are talking a lot of female professionals with extensive work experience and education. I think that delayed having children actually improves one's chances of being able to have these kind of options-they certainly wouldnt have been available to me if I'd had kids at 20yo.

And as an aside, I dont really know a lot of people with small children who work fulltime (40+ hrs). Most of my friends work between 20-30hrs a week, I work about 15hrs a week, and I do have one friend who works about 1 day a month! :o)

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 7:36pm
Dont you think that waiting until you actually have some $$ is kind of a good idea too? I didnt just delay having kids because I couldnt be bothered to have them before I was 34yo. I delayed because I wanted to be able to provide a certain kind of life for them. I knew when I was 25 that I wasnt going to want to be part of the corporate rut at 60. I started planning THEN. I purposely waited to have children. I bought property, I made some smart choices (dropping out of college NOT being one of them, but hindsight as they say.....). I put myself in a position that led me to where I am now.

Dont get me wrong about the whole sahp ideal. I see lots of 18-25yo girls having babies and wanting to sahm with them, without the wherewithall to do so. I see sahm as a bit of a luxury-great if you can afford it, wonderful if you want to do it, but not for everyone and not something that is necessary.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 7:46pm
Because maybe in a marriage that is a true partnership, there is more give and take than just *I'm not going to do for you what you wont do for me*.

As I posted below, just because my dh might be the one who spends more time working outside of the home than I do, doesnt mean it will be that way forever. Once I am established in the career I am currently going to school for, dh has every intention of reducing his hours. And my investments are what will enable both of us to (hopefully) retire at least 10 years earlier than the *norm*.

Our future plans circle around each other and our family, we see a much bigger picture than just the here and now.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

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