I would like your opinion VERY VERY LONG
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|Tue, 06-10-2003 - 3:50pm|
I gave birth to my wonderful daughter 2 months ago. I didn't think I'd have a child this soon (I just turned 26), if ever, but I'm happy and DH seems even happier! :)
I am currently suffering from PPD (just found out this week) but know the time will come for me to return to work.
My DH and I are both police officers in a city listed as one of the top 25 most dangerous overall in the US and in the top 5 for cities our size. He works in a specialized unit within the department that puts him at an even greater risk. I HATE my job. I love being a cop, but not in THIS city. We spend too much time reacting to things that already happened than actually helping people. We also live in a city that dislikes it's officers (many of the citizens do, not all). Our department has undergone many changes in the top brass over the last few years and everyone that comes in has a different idea of what needs to be done to solve the high crime rate. We are one of the lowest paid departments in our county, yet the busiest by FAR. We, as a department, have suffered from low morale and high stress for YEARS. (sounds like most jobs though)Many citizens don't understand the laws and cause the biggest commontion anytime we try to do our jobs and then want to sue us or file complaints against us for following the laws they called us out there to enforce! I personally have never had a complaint filed against me or been sued but that was just to show you what does occur, quite frequently, at work.
DH is being sued for 2 billion dollars. YES, you read correctly, two BILLION dollars. It is a lawsuit that we haven't heard anything of in about (due to the absurdity - I can't go into details but it's really stupid and baseless (the amount is so high because the guy filed it himself from jail) and parts of it have been dropped in the couple of years since he filed it yet we haven't received word of the entire thing being dismissed. (Trust me, once it is I will let whoever is interested know the details and you'll see how much of a waste of the courts time this is)
DH makes around $70k and I make around $58K/yr. He has a 12 yr. old that HE gets support for and has physical custody of. We work ten hour days four days a week (for those of you that may have figured out where I work or who I am congratulations but I'd appreciate this remaining between us here :o) ) Our mortgage is around $1800 and we are currently paying for 2 cars and the loan for our wedding. (It was moved up when I found out baby was coming)
I recently went to visit a DC that I think is great! They let us walk in and check out every room even though we never called. They gave us the full tour, tons of info and contact names and numbers. The place was very clean,the child to teacher (or provider) ration was low (for our area - 1 to 5 for infants), the children have computers in the "classroom" at age 3, get taught numbers and things in English and Spanish, and they even have a private kindergarten. They also transport kids to school and pick them up afterwards once they reach school age. I know that this is where I will put my daughter if I decide to go back to work. It will cost me $800/month to put her there.
The problem: I hate my job (as I said before) and I REALLY want to stay at home but I don't want to give up the things we have if I'm not making money. I know it's selfish, but I can't help feeling that I want to travel with the baby and show her many parts of the world that she will be reading about in books, I want to have the money to allow her to learn to play an instrument, play a sport, discover a hobby, etc, whatever she really developes an interest in. I want to be able to buy a bigger home if I have another baby (we may start trying when she's 3), and buy it in an even better school district (we're in a very good school district now, but who can put a price on an excellent education?). I know I sound selfish, but I'm working on that.
My other problem is that I hate the idea of not working at all. Not just for the selfish reasons I listed above, but because I've always been the workaholic type and NEED to be doing something. I prefer to have an income to contribute financially to things since I supported myself (by choice) since I was 18 and don't know what it's like not to have to have to earn an income. I like the way DH and I have never had a problem w/money and all of our accounts are joint. We buy whatever we want and never have to discuss purchases, but have always chosen to talk about anything really expensive. (Ex: I bought a big screen TV for myself last year because I always wanted on and worked hard to buy it in cash, but talked over my wanting to buy a pool with him before we both set out to look for one). I didn't care about him buying new golf clubs or video games and he doesn't care about my computers or clothes purchases. We know how much we have, what we need for bills, and how much we like to keep in our accounts. (He keeps tabs on 2 accounts and I keep tabs on 2 - that's how we manage not to take everything out of the same account or bounce checks)
I feel as if staying at home would mean losing the financial independance that has been the security blanket of my life. I also feel I'd worry about money all the time - I barely scraped by when I first started out on my own and never want to feel that again if I can help it. Staying home is also driving me insane - I can't stand being here all the time (especially w/the 12 yr. old) and was out walking around, visiting family even while I was having contractions the day before I delivered! I get cabin fever when the car is snowed in during the winter or when I have to wait hours for a package or something at home. I think I NEED to get out and work at least part time but don't know what else I can do. I'd like to work at home (not that I think it's easy, but it seems like a happy medium between my desire to work and stay home) but don't know what jobs are out there that allow one to do that. I only have an Associates in Criminal Justice (still take classes) and have been working as a cop or in security jobs for the last 6 years - nothing I can do at home. I wouldn't mind working away from home but again, what can I do? I feel stuck. I want to be there for my baby and spend all the time I can with her while she's growing up yet I feel that I have to work (if not for money, for my sanity),.
One last thing - we have credit card bills (a few low ones) but also a $10k loan leftover from our wedding. If I leave now I can pay taxes on my pension and get what's left over - about $10k. I could work part time and make up the money to pay off the CC bills in a matter of months. OR I could stay at the job long enough to pay off the bills and then take the $10k and roll it into another retirement account (no need to pay taxes this way), OR keep the $10k in case we need it later.
Ok. Fire away with any questions, opinions, etc. Please bear in mind that I have been interrupted about 8 times while typing this (phone calls,baby feeding,confused DH LOL) so my thoughts may jump from here to there, spelling may not be the best, and I may have skipped somthing. Any observations, comments, suggestions, etc. are more than welcome.
Thanks a million.