If you could do it all over...would you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
If you could do it all over...would you?
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 11:23am
Just to start up a new thread!

Assuming, for the sake of debate/conversation that you had a choice, for those of you who WOH or SAH or WAH, if you could do it (your life, with kids) all over again, would you do it the same way? I.e. would you have had the same number of children, spaced the same way, started having children at the same age, at the same point in your career, chosen the same education/career/working status/child care path as you actually did?


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 11:38am
No, I would have WOH from the beginning rather than SAH for the first almost 4 years. Catching up post-poverty is just hell, and I wouldn't put us thru it again for anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 11:49am
Hmmm...a really hard question. Our whole married life has been one crisis after another and I don't know if I would have a "do over." I have learned too much and become the person I am today by making some of those hard decisions. If we had not had Zak when we did, I am not sure if we would have had children. DH was diagnosed with cancer when I was 8 months pregnant with him. If DH did not have cancer, I am not sure if we would have stayed together. We were so young and so arrogant. I just do not know if I could change any of it. Well, I would change the cancer to something easily treatable.

I would like to have a third child but I do not know if our family can handle it.


"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 2:13pm
I would have held off a few more months before starting our family. Because of issues I thought that it would take a while to get pregnant so I went off birth control about 18 months before my Air Force enlistment was up. Found out I am fertile Mertile and got pregnant almost immediately. I got out while pregnant with DD so did not complete my enlistment. If I had to do it over I would have waited until 9 months months before my enlistment was up to go off birth control.

DD2 was born about a year earlier then planned. So there are two years between DD1 and 2 and then four years between DD2 and 3. I would change that to three years between each.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 3:26pm
Wouldn't change anything, that is how happy we are.
Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 3:59pm
That's really hard to say. I like my life the way it is. If I did it over again would it be better or worse or about the same? Let's just say that my life didn't turn out as I'd planned it. But whose to say if my life went according to plan that I'd be any happier than I am now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 4:05pm
Why put it that way? I believe I can still change anything I'm not happy with!

I got my education and some life experiences in before I settled down. I was married 3 years before we started having kids. All of that was according to plan, and I wouldn't change that. If I want or need to go PT in the future, I could. It's all good, and if it wasn't, I would change it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 8:32pm
well, i will answer you directly. NO! i would have gone to art school and finished. i would have dated a few more guys, but not many(married my first boyfriend). glad i married at 22, and started having children at 25, however, if i were to do it over, i would have four kids each a year apart. three is a crowd, and my two oldest although went through the sibling rivalry thing could not be closer now(as are lauren, our brother and i are). i cant imagine life without the children i do have, and wouldnt give up #3 for anything in the world(although i did leave him in nj for the summer!!LOL) because they all have very special qualities, but i wouldnt know them if i didnt have them, right?

i would definitely sah with them, and live on a tight budget, as that is one thing i have done that i will never regret. it was the right thing for me(and dh).

one last thing, and most important. i would have NEVER moved so far from home. i value extended family and feel i gave a lot up for a more inexpensive cost of living. if i were to do it over, i would live in a cracker box and be near my family than live in this very pretty, roomy home, and be 600 miles away. *things* are not everything.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 8:37pm
I wish I knew then what I know now but I wouldn't change things. Early on, I second guessed my decisions and let guilt get in the way. Looking back, those are the only two real mistakes I made. IMO, there is only one thing, remotely, harmful about WOH and that is the guilt trip if you sign on to it. If I had it to do over again, I'd do it sans the guilt and the second guessing because I'd know that how my kids fare isn't dependent on whether I work or SAH.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:23pm
Considering my life right now, this is something I have thought a lot about in the last 6 months. Not only because of issues with DH, but also because my 10 year reunion from HS is coming up summer after next. (amazing how it doesn't seem that long)

And to be honest, the answer I always come back to is that I'm pretty content with my life. Sure, things could be better with DHs health, but what has happened could have happened with ANYONE I married.

I am very happy with my age when I both married (18) and had kids (19 and 21). I am also very happy with how I have SAH with the kids. And I have to say, I'm even okay with going back to work now.

All in all, I'm pretty happy with the way things have turned out. sure, it hasn't all been what I have WANTED, and if I had it to do again, there are things I would change. But then what would have happened to what I have learned and experienced?

Thanks, but I'll take what I have. :)

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:39pm
No, I don't think I would have changed things. When I first married, I'd hoped to have kids right away b/c I wanted a large family, but also wanted to be done having kids before my mid-30s. My dh wanted kids right away, and I wasn't sure, but as nature would have it, it took us three years b/f our first was born, with a miscarriage along the way. Looking back, I'm glad we had those three years alone together b/f having kids and though the miscarriage and years of trying to conceive were not things I would wish on anyone, they definitely had a profound effect on me - I'm not sure looking back if I would have changed those experiences, even though they were difficult ones for me emotionally.

While I never had a specific *plan* for my life, I must say that I am happy with how my life has been so far. I kind of live by the motto that things happen for a reason and even though I strive for things to be a certain way, I've learned to roll with the punches and take what life gives me. I learn and move on. I've been blessed with a fortunate life and wonderful experiences.

In terms of kids and work - I wouldn't change my choices. While I have often thought about my career choices (in terms of the field I was in), I like where I have ended up and don't know that I would have necessarily changed anything. Who knows - if I had, I might not be where I am now, and things might be a lot different and not necessarily for the better.

So no, I'm not sure that I would have changed anything really. You know, just one little difference in choices along the way, and my life could have ended up drastically different and I might not be as happy as I am. No second-guessing here.