If you hadn't had kids...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
If you hadn't had kids...
1649
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:34pm
And your dh made enough $$ to support both of you comfortably, do you think you would be working?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:28pm
Nah. If you really and truly "got it" we wouldn't have had the "kept woman" conversation.

I know you believe there are many reasons someone would want to SAH. Unfortunately so many of the reasons you seem to come up with are negative (don't really like to work, can't really handle working and parenting, don't have enough skills to work, don't need intellectual stimulation, don't need adult interaction, etc. etc. etc.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:38pm
Good question.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:43pm
On top of it, I think the part she gets the least is the fact that some of us who SAH are on the surface, very similar to her. (Intelligent, strong, educated, worldly, independent, and so forth.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:58pm
And how could you forget "have a huge ego?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:02pm
I don't think you heard me. I told you why I stopped working, and it isn't because I had a DS and a DH.

I have already said I would likely not have stopped working were I not to have had a child. That does NOT mean that "just" having a child "caused" me to stop working.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:14pm
edited because my question has already been asked.

Edited 5/25/2004 2:15 pm ET ET by iaudrey00


Edited 5/25/2004 2:16 pm ET ET by iaudrey00

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:15pm
Nah. He had his reasons for crying. It's just a mystery to us logical folk what they are. And it's a mystery I found more intriguing (and intellectually stimulating to ponder!) than stressful.

I'm joking about my firm. Working for any one of them would have been truly lovely, I *really* enjoyed my work and they were actually delightful people who just did not usually realize what I was in the middle of doing for one of the OTHER partners at the moment. THEY certainly had lives, what was difficult was to make sure I had one between the bunch of them, LOL. It should have been pretty obvious they needed to transition my caseload to someone else the bigger I got, yet they never did, it was just like "please don't have that baby until you see to this, oh, and this, oh, and this," LOL. In a way, flattering to be seen as indispensible. But more than a little ridiculous also when there could be nothing clearer than that I have NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER over the situation at this point, LOL.

"I like, no, I LOVE, schedule, routine and predictability. I don't "roll with the punches" real well. And I'm vain - let's not forget vanity. I like to be slender, to look put together and not have huge dark circles under my eyes." Oh, I hear ya, I got that part a long time ago. I have never given a hoot about schedule, routine or predictability and have always "rolled with the punches" pretty well. I'll ignore the implication that being a SAHP means you're plump - in my case that was true well before I became one - and as much as I'd like not to have huge dark circles under my eyes, I had to accept those long before I became a SAHP too. ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:16pm
"I needed a respite because caring for an infant is incredibly hard and exhausting, and not very rewarding at the beginning. Don't you agree?"

I agree that it is incredibly hard and exhausting, but absolutely and wholeheartedly disagree that it isn't very rewarding in the beginning. Why didn't you find it rewarding? Were you really that disillusioned by parenthood/motherhood? What exactly did you think it was going to be like?

I simply cannot fathom your POV as I was utterly amazed and empowered that I could carry, deliver, and provide care 24/7 for a tiny, perfect, precious little person. As I sure you already know, I am NOT a religious person, however I have *always* had a deeply profound belief in *God*. When my dd was born, I honestly considered it to be tangible *proof* that God, in fact, existed. Needless to say, it was incredibly moving and important to me, even to the extent that I truely thought of it as being the greatest miracle I had ever experienced in my life. Sure, it was and still is hard work, but it's *my* child, and therefore *my* responsibility. I take this responsibility very seriously and very personally . After all, if I don't really want the job, why would anyone else want to do it for me in my absense?

"I missed my work. I missed my adult lifestyle."

Hmm, I guess there just wasn't anything for me to miss, in that *my* work basically prepared me for parenthood/motherhood. Also, being a teacher I was used to working with children more so than adults, so again there just wasn't anything for me to miss.

"- something about peeing without worrying about a baby crying."



I'm sorry but honestly, I think this is a huge cop out. I simply don't understand the need to find *refuge* or *respite* from one's own children (occasionally yes, but 40, 50, 60+ hours a week, no). Moreover, I just don't understand the need to *escape* from parenthood/motherhood. Why have children in the first place, especially *additional* children, if instead of marveling at and enjoying the *entire* experience (the good AND the bad) one would rather have 40, 50, or 60+ hours of *respite* from the responsibility of being a parent? BTW, isn't it you, who has stated that you are unavailable for 60+ hours a week, seeing as you are a lawyer?

"Why did your DH get to "escape" to WOH, but for moms it's bad to escape?"

He didn't and doesn't. My dh WAH.

"Yes, I needed the escape. I had no idea how difficult child care would be. I don't care to do it 24/7. I didn't find caring for my infants intellectually stimulating."

Hmm, while I appreciate your honesty, I find your ideas to be incredibly selfish and disturbing. Why have children if you "don't care to do it 24/7"? Whose responsibility is it to care for *your* children anyway, if not yours? BTW, why is it that you insist that my reasoning "that some mothers simply come to the realization that motherhood wasn't what they thought it was going to be" didn't apply to you again? Hmm, in all actuality, it seems as if my reasoning describes you to a tee.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:21pm
I suppose. I just have a hard time understanding how someone can plan a life without a plan.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:21pm
No, I married the man I fell in love with, my high school sweetheart. I stated that had not wanted (or even if we couldn't afford) for me to be a sahw then I would put my talents to use and work.

I don't believe in marrying for any reason other than true love.


Since I was young I loved to sew, cook, and do the domestic things in life. Yes, I guess you could say I did prepare myself, I taught myself, I took the elective choices in HS to afford me what I wanted to learn.

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