Judgemental-scratching-my-head post ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Judgemental-scratching-my-head post ...
682
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 2:29pm

Dh and I went to an Indian place for dinner last night. (GREAT!)


As we were about done with our dinner, a lady with her 5 kids, ages about 14 to 6,

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 12:44pm
Dealing with the emotion in a healthy way in my mind means coming to realize how unimportant physical differences/rates of growth are in the long run and getting over the embarrassment. Working through it. Refusing to let something that you can't control become an occasion for awkwardness. Playing the cards one is dealt with a modicum of grace. None of which ought to be beyond the capabilities of a normal, healthy eight year old, at least on a good day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 12:50pm

<<in the long run and getting over the embarrassment. Working through it. Refusing to let something that you can't control become an occasion for awkwardness. Playing the cards one is dealt with a modicum of grace. None of which ought to be beyond the capabilities of a normal, healthy eight year old, at least on a good day.>>


Totally agree.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 12:50pm
I disagree.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 12:59pm
The ones I know are. You and I seem to have very different ideas about parenting and expect very different results from our kids. You expected them to be much more independent and self-sufficient as infants and young children and more infantile as eight year olds. I expected them to be very needy and clingy as infants and pretty indendent and emotionally competent as 8 and 9 year olds. My expectations seem to be being met with my kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 1:01pm
ITA Marissa is embarassed over a skin condition she has had for 2 years. She is 9 she doesn't like it, but it's a disease that dermatologists all over the world don't even know how you get it or know for sure how to cure it. You can't see her 4 spots with clothes on, but you know in the summer it is more of an issue. I never before considered that because she is unhappy with this condition & does not want her friends to know about it, that she is abnormal. All my dd's teachers and schoolo personnel and my adult friends thinks he is incredibly mature and a wonder child. Sure they don't see her when she is upset about her skin condition--only I see that because that is when she brings it up, to me at home. How she wishes she doesn't have it & that it's not fair etc etc. Evidently her behavior isn't spilling into her schoolwork or school behavior because absolutely no one has a problem with her bahvior in school or out. I know you probably agree with me, this is directed more at Lois but I clicked on your post.

VickiSiggy.jpg picture by mamalahk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 1:10pm
Why are you pathologizing embarrassment? There is nothing unhealthy about feeling it even if the feeling doesn't go away momentarily. And no, it should not be expected of a normal, healthy 8 yo that they will be mature enough to cope with the feeling by realizing that difference is normal and therefore embarrassment is unwarranted. For a great many people (excluding, of course, all the children you know), that maturity and perspective doesn't come until adulthood. And there is nothing unhealthy about that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 1:15pm
"I expect them to be very needy and clingy as infants and pretty independent and emotionally competent as 8 or 9 year olds." None of the embarrassed kids described so far is showing signs of not being "emotionally competent". Because there is nothing emtionally incompetent about embarrassment over one's body when you are a child and that body is in a constant state of flux and you have had only a handful of years to come to terms with its (frequently changing) quirks and differences.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 1:29pm

DS has purple sheets he picked out himself. And nothing whatsoever related to sports in his room. Instead, he has a wall full of dog posters he found in a magazine.

mom_writer

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 2:22pm
I guess I am just really, really lucky. I find embarrassment an uncomfortable emotion and don't like feeling it unnecessarily. I sort of assumed that my kids would feel the same way. I like the perspective of being serene enough to accept the things I can't change and courageous enough to try to change the things I can change, like the old prayer says. I have found that teaching my children the difference and modelling the understanding of that difference has maybe helped them move to a place where they really aren't embarrassed about things they can't change and that don't matter much in the long run. I sort of thought that milestone of maturity was something to work toward and even celebrate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 2:26pm
Yeah, I guess I think that most average 8 year olds will have reached a level of emotional maturity where they can work through that kind of teasing fairly easily. Sort of toss off the comment without it getting under their skin. I can see where it might be more difficult for the average 6 year old. Six year old kids are generally notoriously emotional and known for mood swings and usually only beginning to really compare their physical development with that of their friends.

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