Kids as an "excuse" to stay home

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Kids as an "excuse" to stay home
1429
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 2:16pm

No one would likely ever admit to this...but what percentage of women who stay at home, and have no plans to ever return to the work force, or to do more than work PT...stay home because of the kids, but also for the major fact that they simply don't want to work?


I don't love my job every second, and there's definitely jobs out there that I don't think I could get out of bed for every day. But the idea of never working again, and being completely dependent on my spouse...kind of blows my mind. I realize not everyone's of the same ilk, and one's not better than the other.


I do wonder how many of the women who go on and on about how great it is to be home with the kids, are primarily just relieved to not have to punch the clock every day in addition to being mom.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 1:41pm

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So you're saying that my SIL, who is not disabled, who quit her job to become a housewife two years before they ever had kids, who did not have parents that needed caring for is a leech?

2010 Siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 1:42pm
Describe a person who would be a leech IYO.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 1:45pm

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2010 Siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 1:47pm

Do you ever do anything without your kids? Go on a date with your husband? Go to an R movie? Go out with girlfriends? Do you do those things because your goal is to not spend time with your kids? Or do you do them because you want to engage in the activity itself, and bringing your kids just is not a possibility?

My husband and I go out to dinner or to a movie once a month. Not to get away from the kids, but to have time to focus on each other, or to see a movie we both want to see. I would not do it if I did not have a suitable babysitter for the kids. I do not do it if the kids are sick, or I have not had enough time with them that week, or if in any other way I feel that it is having a negative impact on the kids.

I work because I like the nature of the work. I like the sense of security I have from building a career, knowing that my family will be provided for even if something happens to my husband, knowing that if my husband's job suddenly became intolerable, we would not starve if he quit and he would not be forced to stay there if under horrible conditions. Since his job involves travel, that's important to me. I like feeling that I am contributing something to society in addition to the children I produce and raise (because I do not like to look at my children as my accomplishment, but that is an entirely different discussion). I like feeling as though I am setting an example for my children, as my mom did for me, that a woman can balance career and motherhood, so they do not have to choose between them. I like knowing that in my little slice of my little career, I can show some sympathy and understanding to mothers with small children that they might not otherwise get if young mothers never worked. I like the balance I feel in my life, that I can go to work to get my sense of accomplishment, and come home to children who are happy to see me and who I am happy to see and that I never, ever feel that they have to behave a certain way to make me feel successful. I enjoy the sense of teamwork my husband and I share when we can finish what the other one started without being asked or having to ask for direction, how seamlessly we can step in for each other with regards to the children, the housework, or maybe being the primary breadwinner, if the need arises. I like the sense of comraderie we get from understanding the daily experiences, and yet I also like the sense of pride and the interest he shows in my job, because it's something different to him, something he does not experience himself. I like the way my mind works when I am at work, the focus, the concentration, the ability to work through a complex problem. I like the exposure to other people and other people's problems because it helps me keep my own life and my own problems in perspective, and it gives me a chance to help someone outside of my own home, to have an impact on the lives of people who I may never run into in the course of my personal life. They teach me something about myself, they remind me to appreciate what I have and who I have on a daily basis.

My choice to work instead of staying home is not about being with the kids or not being with the kids. It's about a choice to do something I want to do despite the fact that it means I can't do it with kids in tow. In the grand scheme of things, the 36 hours a week that my kids are in day care is not hurting anyone, but the thing that creates the need for the day care in the first place, my job, is benefiting all of us. It does a lot for me. My husband enjoys the sharing of the financial responsibility and the child care. Our marriage is better for the dynamic we have chosen (better than it was, not better than anyone else's). My kids are happy. Even those people IRL who criticized my choices initially have been commenting to me, to my dh, and to mutual acquaintances that they "can't get over" and "can't believe" how happy my kids are, how much their vocabulary has expanded, how well they behave/share/listen...it's not my optimism that makes me see that my kids are thriving in this situation. Maybe it's not the day care, maybe it's having a happier mom and happier dad. Or maybe it is the day care, because they enjoy the other kids, and the games, and the toys, and learning new things they can show off to mom & dad.

I think it's easy for both sides of this debate to frame it in terms of their own choice. That is, to work or stay home with the kids becomes to work or not to work, to stay home with the kids or not to stay home with the kids. But my choice to work is not simply defined as my choice to not stay home with my kids. It's not like I said, I don't want to be with my kids, what can I do instead. Rather, I said I want to work, but that means I cannot stay home with my kids. And from there, I weighed all the factors involved in not being home with the kids (do they need me at home, can I find suitable child care, will they enjoy day care, what will our schedules be, how will be balance it all) before making the final decision that I WILL work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 1:54pm
If you're not productive, somehow, some way, you're a leech IMO.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 1:56pm

How is someone who takes care of the house, yard and finances not productive?


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 1:57pm
No, if a person is not productive YOUR WAY, the person is a leech in your opinion. Luckily, the number of people whose personal happiness depends on your approval is somewhat limited.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 1:58pm

When talking about a married couple or partnership of the sort, with or without children, a leech would be someone who does not contribute to the partnership in any way, or at least on somewhat equal level.

2010 Siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 2:04pm

Time with kids is like money. They follow the law of diminishing returns. Once you have enough money and enough time with your children, more of either is not necessary or optimal. Frequently, too much of something is just as harmful as too little.

We can debate how much time is "enough" to be with ones children. But, yet again, the answer is "it depends".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 2:16pm

"Not to offend anyone but if you don't work for the money then is it because you just wouldn't want to spend more time with your kids? "

I'm not offended, but I have to admit that this comment left me feeling a bit flabbergasted. People do actually work for more than just the money. I'm quite shocked that this seems to be a foreign notion for so many. For some people, working is about the intellectual stimulation, others may see their jobs as their vocations. Yet others feel a strong need to help people through their work.

"If so then what would be a good reason for not wanting to spend time with them?"

It isn't about not wanting to spend time with kids.

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