Kids as an "excuse" to stay home

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Kids as an "excuse" to stay home
1429
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 2:16pm

No one would likely ever admit to this...but what percentage of women who stay at home, and have no plans to ever return to the work force, or to do more than work PT...stay home because of the kids, but also for the major fact that they simply don't want to work?


I don't love my job every second, and there's definitely jobs out there that I don't think I could get out of bed for every day. But the idea of never working again, and being completely dependent on my spouse...kind of blows my mind. I realize not everyone's of the same ilk, and one's not better than the other.


I do wonder how many of the women who go on and on about how great it is to be home with the kids, are primarily just relieved to not have to punch the clock every day in addition to being mom.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:11pm

Why wouldn't I? I'm secure in my choices. That doesn't mean there's no cost benefit analysis done, or nothing given up.


I want to take the kids to the water park before they go back to school.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:14pm

Because I was already 34 when I became a mother, and didn't want to ditch 7 years of post high school education plus 9 years of work experience to SAH for a few years, or forever?


Because our family's financial goals are high, and are greatly aided by having both parents WOH?


Because we've had really good luck with the two childcare situations we've had in the past 9 years, and have seen no reason for our family for either DH or me to go PT or to SAH?


Because no one has expressed surprise that DH continued to WOH after he became a father?


Is any of this news to you?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:16pm

"Why and who said nothing occurs while parents are at work?"

I think Eileen pretty much answered that one.

"I can't think of anything that I have missed that broke my heart, can you give an example?"

Sure. One time my daughter had a Kindergarten Mother's Day tea. It was to be a one hour "event" from 10:30-11:30 (ish. I don't remember the exact hours). This was when I was working 40 hours, an hour away from her school. I couldn't get a full day off for an hour event, so I missed it. That night she says "Yeah, everyone's mom was there except for you and one other mom, so we sat with the teacher instead." Was *she* heartbroken? I don't think so. But I was.

"Do the five children not have activities or do you not allow them to overlap? Even with two, I miss stuff....how do you do it with five?"

Hmm, I guess I'm a master of my time?? Ha! No, seriously, when I was a ftsahm (remember, I don't qualify for that title anymore, even though I stay at home with my kids) I took the little ones with me to soccer games, school awards ceremonies, etc. etc. When dh is deployed, I'm a single parent and spread thin and I do miss things. When dh is home though, like right now, we pretty much got it all covered.

"Do you mean 6.30am? You are very lucky to have never had your kids wake up in the night!"

Of course am. And yes, my kids rarely woke up in the middle of the night. The first two were sleeping through the night by 2 months. And they, fortunately, rarely got sick in the middle of the night save for one horrific night of hotdogs and red koolaide vomit when dd was in 1st grade :) Must be all that good sleep they get helping to keep them otherwise healthy ;)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:30pm

>>>And it was "I Am Fine Now" who posted she didn't miss a thing at work at # 674. She wrote, "and my job certainly has not precluded seeing any of them." And she also has about the best hours a full-time wohm could wish for!

I certainly can't speak for Eileen, nor does she need me to, but again, I think the nuance has to do with whether you feel that the EXACT instance of a first is the only one that counts and whether missing that one means that you missed something.

My first son walked for the first time at daycare - they were all excited when I got there, pulled me in to a separate classroom - told me to close my eyes. They brought Jack in, told me to open my eyes, and had him walk to me. Everyone cheered and Jack was all excited, and for the life of me I do not feel at all that I was 'precluded' from seeing my son walk. I re-staged the entire set up for my husband that night, and he wasn't any less excited about seeing it for the first time just because other human eyes had seen it before he did.

My second son walked at home for the first time - which we discovered when he walked past us. Given his proficiency, I suspect he was walking around for some time without my noticing, and probably practicing in his crib - did I miss anything by seeing it a day later?

In particular, I think when people exit the whole baby hysteria phase and look across parenting at all our children's ages, the feeling of being 'there' for important events takes on a lot more meaning - it is way less important that I be there for a developmental milestone that was expected within my child's path then to be there when he accomplishes something - to share in his fear and his pride. Whether or not I saw Adam roll front to back *AND* back to front before anyone else is way less important than whether I saw him sing for the first time at choir at church, or whether I went to Jack's Kindergarten graduation and heard him recite his little poem. I saw one child sit up for the first time ever and frankly couldn't tell you if you paid me when the other kids did it for the first time, but I emailed, wrote, videoed, and chanting from the rooftops the first time my son read a book all by himself. And working has nothing to do with being 'there' for that.

I can honestly say that, thus far, I have not yet had my job preclude me from experiencing any meaningful milestone.

I think the 'I wouldn't want to miss out on the firsts' is a lazy way of expressing a much more complex feeling. I believe that there are people who really, truly derive a greater sense of personal satisfaction, joy, and the like from day-to-day involvement in their young children's lives. I do not begrudge them that joy or doubt their sincerity. But for those SAHMs who feel that sense of accomplishment, I completely reject the idea that any of them would feel 'less' if say, their baby walked for the first time when they were at the store and DH saw it first. Saying that parenting of young children is a core part of what I derive personal satisfaction from and it is core enough to me to make *not* WOH worth it is an understandable thing. Trying to label those complex sets of feelings, motivation, self-images, etc. with 'not missing firsts' just defies logic.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:31pm

"Yes, this is a sure sign of a good provider! But, for the sake of debate, it really is to assuage the parent. It doesn't mean the parent didn't miss anything."

It's funny, but until I started reading this board I didn't realize that providers were not supposed to tell parents about new things the kids did in dc. The providers my kids had told me all about "firsts" and I was happy to hear about them. Sometimes they were really "firsts" in the sense that no one else had seen the kids do that before. Sometimes, dh or I had already seen the "first". We just thought it was cool that the kids were doing something new...it didn't really matter to us who saw it first.

The only "first" I missed that bummed me out a bit was the first time dd swam all by herself without any help or flotation devices. I had been taking her to all of the weekly swim lessons for months and helping her with swimming afterwards. I happened to be on a business trip the one time she finally put it all together. Dh got to see that first :-).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:34pm



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:39pm

"It's funny, but until I started reading this board I didn't realize that providers were not supposed to tell parents about new things the kids did in dc."

When I did my Navy Family Child Care training, they highly suggested that we frame it in the context of the story Wende told ("Close your eyes, now watch!") or to say something like, "Keep an eye on little Suzie, I think she's about ready to walk!" (never mind that little Suzie just took her first two steps to the dcp a half hour ago)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:41pm

>>Yes, this is a sure sign of a good provider! But, for the sake of debate, it really is to assuage the parent. It doesn't mean the parent didn't miss anything.

I do understand your point, really. For pure logic sake, it is true that any parent not present at that moment did not see with thier eyes that instance of: walking, crawling, etc.

But deep down, as both a parent and a DC provider, do you really feel that they are fundamentally MISSING something? Yes, I get it - they did not receive those particular reflected light waves into their eyes at 1:45pm, but they did see the image 4 hours later. In the overall scheme of things, are **you** feeling sorry for these parents? Do you honestly think you NEED to assuage them because they SHOULD feel guilty, or do you assuage them because you recognize that some parents (all women, I'll venture) *DO* feel guilty, even though you recognize that there is nothing to feel guilty about?

Honestly, I am curious about your perspective.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:47pm

It just seems like a weird concept to me. Maybe it's a cultural thing? Ds was in daycare in Switzerland and dd was in dc in Sweden. I've never really heard parents around me discussing the importance of "firsts" in the same way people on this board sometimes do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:48pm

n/t


PumpkinAngel

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