Kids as an "excuse" to stay home

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Kids as an "excuse" to stay home
1429
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 2:16pm

No one would likely ever admit to this...but what percentage of women who stay at home, and have no plans to ever return to the work force, or to do more than work PT...stay home because of the kids, but also for the major fact that they simply don't want to work?


I don't love my job every second, and there's definitely jobs out there that I don't think I could get out of bed for every day. But the idea of never working again, and being completely dependent on my spouse...kind of blows my mind. I realize not everyone's of the same ilk, and one's not better than the other.


I do wonder how many of the women who go on and on about how great it is to be home with the kids, are primarily just relieved to not have to punch the clock every day in addition to being mom.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:50pm
It's part of the US cult of motherhood, apple pie and Chevrolet.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:50pm

>>>Sure. One time my daughter had a Kindergarten Mother's Day tea. It was to be a one hour "event" from 10:30-11:30 (ish. I don't remember the exact hours). This was when I was working 40 hours, an hour away from her school. I couldn't get a full day off for an hour event, so I missed it. That night she says "Yeah, everyone's mom was there except for you and one other mom, so we sat with the teacher instead." Was *she* heartbroken? I don't think so. But I was.

And this I understand. This ties more to the 'experiential' things a person could miss, as opposed to the mechanical developmental milestones. I too would be heartbroken if I had to miss something like this because of work.

It is true, however, that thus far I have never been in that position. I don't blame other moms for being in that position - not everyone has the same work flexibility. Even if you have the most flexible schedule in the world, or even SAH, you could get sick, or have another child get sick. I personally have dealt with just extreme issues with frail, elderly parents (including having my mother, father, and step father all rushed to different intensive cares on the same day for different illnesses and injuries) and it is a pure miracle that those 2 years where I was working full time, had 2 kids under 4, and was primary medical decision maker for them that I NEVER had to miss a kid related thing because of my parents - but I didn't.

I do, however, blame the schools or daycares for creating these situations. Parent visitation opportunities should be there, but they need to be spread over a couple of days, to maximize the chance for every parent to attend. They need to be not gender specific - do we NEED to make my son's classmate who's father is deployed feel his absence even MORE acutely, or to drive home the fact that the other little girl's mother isn't going to be here because she's being raised by her grandparents now? Those little events are cute, and when you go you enjoy them, but they are not necessary to your child being excited and successful in school, and they just create those types of 'everyone else's mom but you' moments. It's ridiculous.



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:51pm

Everything in life has trade-offs, is that pretty much common sense?


For example, having two children instead of one, I have trade offs.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:55pm

"In the overall scheme of things, are **you** feeling sorry for these parents? Do you honestly think you NEED to assuage them because they SHOULD feel guilty, or do you assuage them because you recognize that some parents (all women, I'll venture) *DO* feel guilty, even though you recognize that there is nothing to feel guilty about?"

Oh no, I don't feel sorry in the sense of pity. And frankly, it all depends on the parent's personality. I have one mother who is VERY sensitive about WOH. She was in tears when she heard her daughter call me "mommy". I did my best to explain that she just can't get out "Miss Rhonda" and that she hears my own kids call me mommy, it's not that she thinks *I AM* mommy. Her comment was something like, "Well, she does spend all day with you." I felt *HER* pain, and so she is the type of parent that I would tell "little white lies".

Then I have another mom who is...mmmm, less sensitive. I can totally tell her that her son did something new and exciting and her response is, "cool!".

Before I get to really know how a parent would respond, I guess the latter part of your question would be a fair assessment: I recognize that some parents (mostly women, you are right!) may feel guilty, even though I'd agree there is nothing to be *guilty* for, and so I am *careful* about how I present firsts.

I happen to be one who believes that we, women in particular, often feel guilt when we really don't need to. I know, I know...lots of moms here have said they don't let those guilts and doubts creep in and they are perfectly confident of all their parenting choices. I'm just not one of them, and most of the mother's that I know are all too ready to carry unnecessary guilt on their shoulders. Feeling guilty about missing something may not be *necessary*...but that doesn't negate the existence of that feeling.

edited to correct a typo :) ha!




Edited 8/21/2008 1:01 pm ET by bizzymomoffive
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:58pm

Well thank you, it's nice to know that I don't HAVE to have a valid reason in order to woh.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:59pm

"Everything in life has trade-offs, is that pretty much common sense?"

Yes, I think so too. But I had a poster here reply: "Trade-offs? Sorry, I'm not seeing it."

*shrug*

Can't win 'em all, I guess.

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Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 1:04pm

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So when you said parents as in plural, you meant one single solitary one and posted those comment to me...why?


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I'm sorry that you missed the occasion.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 1:05pm

The interesting thing is that the WOH father/SAH mother was pretty entrenched in reality in Switzerland (at least when I lived there), while the dual WOHP household is very entrenched in Sweden. And yet, there really wasn't that same emphasis on "firsts" in either culture that seems to exist in parts of the U.S..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 1:05pm

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Totally agree.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 1:06pm

>>>She was in tears when she heard her daughter call me "mommy". I did my best to explain that she just can't get out "Miss Rhonda" and that she hears my own kids call me mommy, it's not that she thinks *I AM* mommy.

See, I've experienced that in both directions - I've heard my kids say 'Mommy' to a teacher, and I've had my kids call me 'Miss Imani" or whatever the teacher's name was. In both cases, I recognized that (1) kids are going to tangle up names just like the rest of us - if I have to go through both boys and the cat's name sometimes just to get to my husband's, then I am not going to get too upset that a 2 year old misspoke and (2) I saw it as a good sign that my sons really felt loved and cared for - I KNOW they love me, and if their little brains slipped to calling their teacher Mommy once in a while, that just showed me that they were pretty darned secure and loved during the day.

Not to say that I am one of those 'immune from guilt' moms. I do feel guilt about how my work status can at times affect them. I would prefer that DS #1 came home right after school, because he REALLY wants to play after dinner (like his little brother who does not have homework), but after dinner has to be homework time because of my work schedule. He's not suffering, but I still feel guilty.

I feel guilty on the days (and I strive HARD to make them few and far between) that, because we have customers, or travel, or whatever, the boys have to go to daycare early and I won't pick them up until 6:00. For the most part we stagger the times so they go in really late and DH picks up early. But I won't pretend that there have NEVER been 7:30 am to 6:00 pm days - there have. And I feel bad about that. Now, I will also say that not once ever has either boy complained, nor have I ever found them to be anything but fully engaged with playmates and toys when I get there, but I feel it nonetheless.

You're right that guilt is something women take on a lot with out a lot of justified reasons behind it.

But given your response to the idea that you don't see that they've really 'missed' something they need to feel 'guilt' about, then why the debate points on the missing the 'firsts'?



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