Kids as an "excuse" to stay home

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Kids as an "excuse" to stay home
1429
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 2:16pm

No one would likely ever admit to this...but what percentage of women who stay at home, and have no plans to ever return to the work force, or to do more than work PT...stay home because of the kids, but also for the major fact that they simply don't want to work?


I don't love my job every second, and there's definitely jobs out there that I don't think I could get out of bed for every day. But the idea of never working again, and being completely dependent on my spouse...kind of blows my mind. I realize not everyone's of the same ilk, and one's not better than the other.


I do wonder how many of the women who go on and on about how great it is to be home with the kids, are primarily just relieved to not have to punch the clock every day in addition to being mom.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 3:48pm
You know why some of us would "go crazy" being SAHM's? Because we find that while we love our children, we don't find being with them 24/7 challenging enough to be happy. Some of us want challenges to our intellect that go beyond organizing a household and caring for our kids. Some women THRIVE on being at home and find it very challenging and stimulating. Some of us do not. That doesn't make SAHM's better mothers, it just makes them different, and that's ok. Loving my work doesn't make my children less important to me. I can love my kids AND my work, and both will benefit. I would not be a better mother if I stayed at home (although I'd be less busy).
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 3:49pm

"Sure, there's an element in hyperbole in the original statement too, but her response about WOHs seems to imply that she falls down on the side of the debate that there ARE meaningful, significant things being missed and all these WOHs are in denial."

You're absolutely right that I only say it in response to hyperbole statements. I don't necessarily *believe* it. It's a volley of the debate ball back into their corner, I guess.

"Which, frankly, is none of my damned business either way, but it is confusing, particularly when different messages come in the same thread."

I understand what you are getting at, I do. I'll take it into consideration when choosing my words in the future, but really, I don't feel that there is any contradiction in my points just perhaps my personal practice maybe?

"My point I suppose is that you seem to take very seriously the places where you view others on the board tend to 'overreact'"

Wait a second...you don't think there are posters here who the very same thing? Mention "I stay at home to raise my kids" and see the "very serious" responses you'll get.

"I think there are better ways to make the same point."

Well, I guess then we're going to have to agree to disagree here. Because if it's good for the goose...Call me devil's advocate if you wish, not to say SAHM is the devil ;)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 3:50pm

"In terms of missing time, I had more patience and enjoyed the kids more because I didn't see them all of the time. The 0 to 5 age is not a favorite of mine."

I can understand that. It is a favorite of mine, though...much better than the hair tossing and eye rolling preteens :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 3:56pm

I have found this too. All of my kids except the youngest were in daycare during the day from a year of age onward. I was very picky about the daycare i sent them to. They all LOVED daycare, and will still come with me to pick up the youngest sometimes to say hello to the ladies that work there. The daycare they all went/go to has a wonderfuld staff that has been there for many years. They have a bus for field trips, which happen twice weekly, a HUGE playground, and a structured, interesting curriculum for preschoolers..lots of hugs and play learn activities for the younger ones. That daycare has a larger play area, a greater selection of toys, and more origional ideas for play and crafts that I ever would. Does that make me a bad mom? No..does sending your kids to camp so they can have a different experience you can't provide them make people bad parents? Does sending your daugther to dance lessons because you don't know how to teach dance make you a bad parent?


It's not like kids LIVE at daycare, the LIVE at home! Daycare is just a place they go and have different experiences/caregivers. Much like school when they hit 5. 30 or 40 hours a week is NOT 24/7.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 4:15pm
I don't have preteens yet (and no girls) , so maybe my opinion will be different in a few years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 4:45pm

Wende~

I REALLY appreciate your post! Thank you!

"It just --- what am I trying to say ---- 'reduces' (?) your otherwise effective arguments when so tightly associated with posters that aren't ever going to benefit from another person on their 'side' - they LIKE being spiteful and intentionally obtuse whenever anyone challenges them."

Ok, I guess if I'm understanding this correctly, it's a case of "birds of a feather flock together" going on here? I mean, I'm admittedly new here (I was here back when I was pg with #4, woh full time, and my "delicate emotional state" could NOT handle it) so I have no way of knowing which posters are intentionally trying to piss people off - although I am learning - but frankly, it really doesn't matter. My posts should be (and I think for the most part they are, LOL!) taken on their own merit, not because they are in agreement with a particular "person". Because I'm not here to support any one "person".

And I'm not here to school anyone on anything. I've learned a few things here myself. On the subject: I've learned that when I DO go back to work, I intend to better "negotiate" if you will, with my dh about the childcare responsibilities. When I WOH in the past, I did all the sick days, all the vacation days, all the doctor and dental appointments, etc. etc. I don't think my dh even knew who our pediatrician was! (To be fair to him, military life isn't exactly a 9-5 job and they're all taught "Your family didn't come in your sea bag".)

And on the dynamic of the board: Some get really snippy, snide and sarcastic to the point of rudeness and admittedly, I allowed myself to respond the same way. I now try REALLY hard not to do that anymore but it doesn't mean that I can't vehemently disagree, or that I can't use reverse hyberbole on occasion. I've learned that Cancel Message is my friend :)

"(written FWIW with the intention of just relaying my thoughts, not trying to come across as somehow judging...)"

Understood :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 4:58pm

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I don't think you meant to reply to me...since I'm one of the WOHM's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 4:58pm

I still disagree. Can't think of a single "first" that I missed because any time that "I" saw that first was THE first time for me. AND I KNOW that I saw much of the PRACTICE leading up to that first.

Of course, it's easy to be home (as in sah) and STILL miss firsts....When I was 12 months old, my mom had put me down in my crib for a nap. She got on the phone with my grandma and told her that she had just put me down -- WHEN I toddled by. Yup, at 12 months I had climbed out of my crib and my mom wasn't there to witness it. I think she said that they moved me to a bed shortly after that -- since they didn't really want me doing that over and over.

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 5:01pm
OOps..sorry, it was meant for the board in general. New here ya know...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 5:06pm

I think it's a personality thing.

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