Ladies...Enough Already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Ladies...Enough Already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:10pm
Can we please voluntarily end this thread from grlimilakinskeeper, or whatever her screen name is...it's getting too personal, and not very productive.

Kat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 12:09pm
Well how did you manage ... I mean ... how can you justify your situation - snagging primary physical custody for yourself ... etc etc ... if Grimal, with her smoking issue ... can't justify the same for herself?

<

We outlined to them that, although we were separating and divorcing, that we love them as their Mom and Dad -- and that they would still always have a Dad -- and will see plenty of him.

I told him that you don't love me anymore -- and i have no feelings left for you either, but that we can be good co-parents and that i would never stand in the way of his relationship with his kids. He also said that he wouldn't fight me financially.

We're going through our divorce mediation right now. we've not considered it as a "loss" of the other parent, but as an "opportunity" for dh to be more involved (and much more actively involved when he has them). We've structured it so that the kids can call him when they need to also.

Visiting the lawyers enabled me to see that i should come out of this just fine. I won't be rich, but i'll have primary physical custody of my kids, my home, my vehicles and still have my job. I guess i'd still be rich after all. >>

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 12:25pm
I tend to agree - kids don't need to be packed off to the mental health professional just because there are issues in their lives. Kids are fairly flexible. Moms and Dads, maybe not so much. I think its a mistake to transfer adult trauma to kids. And they need the chance to practice and develop their dealing skills in those childhood years, and build confidence in their ability to do just that. Off to the mh every time life gets bumpy, just because it is bumpy, I would think jeopardizes that very important part of childhood. Kind of like taking the kids off to see the physiotherapist, just because they play hockey and soccer. The last thing the young athlete needs is a regular visit to a professional like that - just because. The young athlete will develop problems in the short term, whehter he has problems or not, if his physical self is scrutinzed for such on a weekly basis. And will not likely develop into much of a competent athlete at all, regardless of talent. Any parent worth half their salt can identify a problem when a problem is present and deal with it then. There is nothing wrong with a re-active approach to problem solving when there is alot of question to begin with, as to whether there will even be a problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:55pm
Well I am not talking about your mother, but perhaps in some way you thought to emulate her?

And yes, he was a father, someone you obviously saw as more *mature* and worldly, so I absolutely think that your subconcious saw him as a father figure. Happens quite often when young girls marry older men. Which is also probably why you never dated guys your own age to begin with.

I think you have a ton of issues, but given your attitude about counseling and such (in fact, given your attitude I seriously wonder just how much marriage counseling you actually got) I dont think you are ever going to come to terms with them. Which is really sad, because I think every person in this world can benefit from some form of counseling-we all have our demons from our pasts to deal with. You seem to see it as a form of weakness to admit that, but it isnt.

I think your issues, given your past, are bigger than a lot of peoples. I think your perception is very very skewed and I think your dds are ultimately going to pay the price for that.

But no one can do anything about any of that except YOU. Which is why I am done posting to you about any of this. You arent looking for anything here but attention.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:08pm
And you obviously dont understand the term *mentally ill* if you think that is the point at which counseling and therapy begins. Lots of people seek counseling and therapy, and only a very small percentage could be deemed *mentally ill*.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 4:14pm
I have a lot of information but none on both parents losing a bid for custody because one smokes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 4:16pm
If you can afford unlimted psychiatric bills, go right ahead. As I've said, my experience is that you're lucky if a psychiatrist can diagnose a problem staring them in the face. I have NO faith in their crystal ball abilities to head them off at the pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 4:20pm
THERE IS NOTHING TO DIAGNOSE...JUST SOMEONE TO TALK TO. And yes, even in my almost-divorced circumstance, i can find $15 per week CO-PAY for jenna to go to counseling. Yes, i can do THAT much for her. It would be irresponsible for me to do any less. Of course, it's a bigger issue if it's not covered by insurance, but as a teacher, that's not an issue for me.

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 4:23pm
I prefer to wait to see if the situation actually occurs before I act. I have little faith in the ability of a psychiatrist to diagnose a problem right in front of their nose let alone read tea leaves and determine which ones MIGHT happen and prevent them.

I've had more experience with psychiatrists than I care to mention. They're not right very often from where I sit. Maybe it's just the engineer in me but I just can't see spending money on a service you may or may not need for a problem that may or may not come to fruition. Especially since I've seen psychiatrists cause more problems than they solve.

The second psychiatrist dss#1 saw decided the first thing he needed to do was educate him on child's rights. Talk about stripping authority from parents. I told him to go to his rooom one day, shortly thereafter and he told me "What the hell you gonna do if I don't" and walked out the front door and set the dumpster on fire. The first psychiatrist said he was ADHD and put him on Ritalin which he didn't need because he wasn't ADHD. We had him in psychotherapy, on and off, from age 9 to age 16. We were FINALLY told, by the last psychiatrist that his condition wasn't something that could be dealt with with psychoanalysis. All they could really offer was support for us but there are lots cheaper ways to find support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 4:26pm
I agree. I'll seek psychiatriac help for my kids if they need it. It isn't preventative. It's not like going in for a physical where they can run tests and tell you what's going wrong. Psychiatrists are often guessing with patients who HAVE problems. They're really guessing with ones who don't. There is the distinct possiblity that their beliefs will be transferred to the child and become self fulfillig prophecies. I've seen it happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 4:30pm
No, I understand mentally ill very well. My father was mentally ill.

I am not saying the only reason to seek psychiatric help is if you're mentally ill. I'm saying the only way I'd take MY kids in to a psychiatrist is if they were mentally ill. BTDT and I've seen psychiatrists invent problems where none exist while totally missing what really is the issue. Sometimes what a therapist thinks should happen becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. The power of suggestion and leading a child in questioning can have powerful impact.

It never dawned on me I was supposed to have issues with my parents divorce until the therapist told me I should. To me, it was normal. Funny how he never hit on what really were issues for me. I just followed his lead. It was a total waste of time.

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