Ladies...Enough Already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Ladies...Enough Already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
779
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:10pm
Can we please voluntarily end this thread from grlimilakinskeeper, or whatever her screen name is...it's getting too personal, and not very productive.

Kat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:41pm
The fact remains, she hasn't even attempted to refute or debate what I said. Because, as she is educated, she knows she can't in good faith do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:45pm
Of course custody arrangements will be all about them- as all custody arrangements are. What makes this one more problematic than the ones that are just about scheduling is that in this one, whether the dd's get to see their Dad or not (if GK gets her way) depends entirely on if THEY come home smelling like smoke. An ault can easily see past it and blame Dad for MAKING the girls smell like smoke. However, kids are egocentric- as you noted- and are more likely to focus on them smelling like smoke= losing Dad. Especially if GK makes some comment like "you girls smell like smoke! Was your father smoking around you????" which makes it about them and how they smell (smokey). Or if she clips their hair for evidence, which would also make it about them.

But yes, all custody arrangements will necessarily focus on the kids, even if in a less pressured way. This is one of the inevitable things that many kids blame themselves for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:46pm

While some children may be selfish, they are

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:49pm
Oh, yes, you're right. After all, this happens ALL the time

Teacher "Ok, what happend here?"

Kid 1 "Teacher teacher, it was MY fault, honestly it was!"

Kid 2 "NO WAY. It was MY fault. I started it. ASK HIM over there!!!!"

Teacher "Ok you two. We're going to the principals office. We'll find out who really deserves blame here. And if one of you turns out to be entirely not at fault and did not in anyway cause this incident...thats it...detention for a week. So for both your sakes, I suggest you stick entirely to the truth and do not try to hog blame"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:54pm
Apples and oranges.

Virgo

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:55pm
Here you are:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

http://www.aap.org/mrt/div.htm

http://www.ivillage.co.uk/parenting/family/steppar/articles/0,13843,186643_187395,00.html

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T110240.asp


If you notice, every ONE of those articles clearly states that self blame is a big issue for children in divorce situations. And those were just the first few articles I pulled. You can do a search and find at least 20 more. So yes, educate yourself. Rather than just blathering about things you obviously dont have a lot of information or knowledge about, try reading.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:56pm
That scenario has absolutely nothing to do with a divorce scenario.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 2:06pm
I don't think he needs to educate himself--he may need to, but in this whole issue O123's debate is about disagreeing with everyone except Grimal, no matter what makes sense or doesn't make sense.
Vickie--mom of Marissa (8) & Vanessa (5)

VickiSiggy.jpg picture by mamalahk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 2:39pm
Here's the problem: we didn't explain that self-blame is not something children do in all situations, but rather something children do in regards to their parents. Children are unlikely to blame themselves for things that happen at school, or even with their siblings. They are VERY likely to percieve their parents' shortcomings and problems as their own.

A child of an overly critical parent will self criticize, echoing their parents' sentiments. A child of a pushy parent will blame themselves for not being able to live up to the dreams their parents have for them (kids of wannabe stage mothers or dads who want a sports star). And children of divorce will often wonder what they did to make it so hard for the parents to live together. This is especially likely if the kids hear themselves referenced during fights.

This is exclusively between parents and children. That is why you can't come up with any school equivalents. There aren't any. Hope that clears it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 3:18pm
I know. I need to stop letting myself get sucked in....

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

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