Learned something about kids in public

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Learned something about kids in public
1020
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 1:22am
So, DH and I spent 6 days alone on vacation this week. I guess from recent discussions, these things kind of jumped out at me, but I learned a little something about kids in public on this vacation.

To refresh your memory, I take my kids pretty much everywhere with me. I have no issues with taking them to the doctor with me, out to nice restaurants with me, to weddings, funerals, etc. Anytime we have "dinner parties", children are included. Children are a HUGE part of our lives and we just include them in most everything.

Over the coarse of the weekend, I witnessed several things that made me think of these recent discussions here.

1) First night away, we stop for dinner in a really nice steak restaurant. We are seated next to a table of 6 people, two children and 4 adults. The kids are about 3 and 5. Thank GOD they were finishing their meals as we came into the restaurant, but the kids were HORRIBLE. The younger one got up and actually ran across the room! So, mom picks him up, saying nothing to him, and sits down, with him in her lap. All the while he is SCREAMING (as only a 3 year old can) this squealing "wanna gooooooo" "wanna gooooooo". So, mom wraps one arm around him, including his arms, so he CANNOT move, and he continues to squeal, so mom puts a hand over his mouth. the ENTIRE time, she NEVER says a WORD to him. They ALL ignored these two kids the entire time we were there, which was about 40 minutes. It is no WONDER the kids were miserable and misbehaving in the restaurant!!! It wasn't the kids, it was the ADULTS not parenting, and not paying ANY attention to the kids!

2) ONe of the mornings we were gone (don't remember which), we went to a Cracker Barral for "brunch". The restaurant was broken into three "areas" within one large room. We were in the center "area", and in the middle of eating when two boys start RUNNING through the (pretty crowded) restaurant, from their "area", around the partition separating our area from theirs, through our area, in a circular pattern. These kids were like 6 and 8! And the parents LET THEM!!! It was INSANE!

3) We were at Sea World this week, and it was HOT HOT HOT out! WE were hot, and we spent most of our time in the water and/or shade. We had taken a seat on a bench, in the shade to rest a little and eat some ice cream, and here comes a lady (about 3pm) with her 4 year old (approximately) in a stroller (fine, no problem with this), and a baby who couldn't have been even 2 months old in her arms. The babys face was RED, he was SCREAMING. The baby was obviously hot and tired, and he did NOT need to be out in that. Now, this was a kids place, but not for an infant, not in those temps. The baby was reacting to the heat the way he knew how...the mother was just an IDIOT for having him out there!

So, my point in this...I'm still working on it. ;-P

My kids have been in all kinds of public situations like these (excluding the baby in the HEAT). They behave in doctors offices and restaurants and stores, at weddings and funerals, etc because they are EXPECTED to, they have been taught to, and because we include them in whatever the "event" is.

While we were gone, my girlfriend went in to the military immunization clinic to get a tetnus (how DO you spell that) shot for her and her oldest daughter, and took all 6 kids 2 mine, 4 hers). They had to wait over 45 minutes, and all 6 kids sat quietly and never moved, because they have been taught, from day one, how to behave in public. My girlfriend had each of them take a book with them to look at/read while there, and there was no problems (never is).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can understand the frustrations people have with children in public who are just not taught to mind and/or are in a position where they are forced to act out. Even the most formal occasions can be made child-friendly by the parents/adults. But many parents don't seem to want to discipline their kids or teach their kids or deal with it. I don't understand it myself...any thoughts?

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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Avatar for karenester
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 10:55am
"My children have no say in selecting their caregivers."

Why not? If they begged not to have a certain babysitter, wouldn't you want to know why and agree? I mean, even if there is nothing absuive going on, if a particular caregiver made my kids miserable, I wouldn't use that person again. I wouldn't make my kids miserable just so I could go out.

The thought of not listening to my child and not giving my child a voice in his own life is a very foreign concept to me.

Avatar for karenester
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 10:56am
You think the role of friend is that of judge?
Avatar for karenester
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 10:58am
I don't do things that I find unacceptable or immoral.

We have already been through this issue in the whole bar fitness discussion, but i still am shocked that you think most people are hypocrites who care more about outward appearances that reality. In my world, you are not the norm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:02am
She probably had other reasons for not wanting to attend your wedding. You sound awfully disdainful of her and her choices in life. Is it possible she picked up on that? You also seem put out, even to this day, that you had to travel to go to her wedding. Did you make it clear to her, perhaps even on her wedding day, that you were annoyed at having to go to so much trouble to attend her wedding?

Weddings are supposed to be fun for the guests. If you were there solely to play the martyr and sit there tallying up all the precious hours and dollars you spent getting to her wedding, perhaps she would have preferred that you stay home?

Congratulations! I'm so happy to hear it. I just heard the good news and popped back over, just in case you were still checking in.
Avatar for karenester
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:02am
My parents generally listened to me, and tried to accomodate my desires, as well as my needs, when practical and realistic. I strongly believe children should be listened to and given a voice in their own lives. Just because we are the parents and have the power, why would we disregard their thoughts? Because they are smaller than us? Because it is inconvenient to listen to them?

If my child hated a babysitter, I would want to know why. Even if only a personality mismatch, I wouldn't insist on using that person again. I don't spend my time with people I can't stand to be around. Why would I make my kids?

I think it is vital that parents respect their children as individuals, and part of this is listening to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:09am
Refusing to accept that other people mean "no" when they say "no" is the very definition of personality disorder, actually.

Believing that someone who won't bend to your will is doing so, not because they have a will of their own, but because they're too shy or timid or dumb to be able to find a way to bend to your will, is quite indicative of a personality disorder. The basis of personality disorders is is the notion that one's will is the only will that truly exists in the world, that other people don't truly desire things or feel things, or really even exist at all, apart from how they serve one's own purposes.

Congratulations! I'm so happy to hear it. I just heard the good news and popped back over, just in case you were still checking in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:12am
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Well, I don't. In your case, though, I'd think the question would be, "Sheesh! Don't any of you engage in premarital sex and then exhibit sneering disdain for other people who do the exact same thing?"

It must be hard playing The Church Lady when you're no different from the people you excoriate.

Congratulations! I'm so happy to hear it. I just heard the good news and popped back over, just in case you were still checking in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:13am
It's hypocritical to hide from your children the fact that their grandfather is an true a&%hole? And treated their grandmother like dirt?

It's hypocritical to withhold your true feelings about the validity of other religions?

Is it really appropriate to tell your 7 year old what jerks the lawyers in your former firm were?

Why is it hypocritical rather than recognizing age-appropriate conversation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:14am
Suzymomm wasn't suggesting they bend her to her will, but to the parents' own will in wishing to attend the wedding, albeit with a sitter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 11:15am
Ok, if you'd care to share why not, I'd be happy to hear it.

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