For moms who have been both...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
For moms who have been both...
898
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 10:33pm

SAH and WOH


Which has proven to be more difficult?


I was reading a post below and someone stated that staying home was more difficult.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 12:09pm
Not to be contrarian, but YMMV. My second was so not a cuddler when he was a baby and toddler. When he was a baby he wanted to eat, then get away. Now at 11 he is the cuddliest kid around. It is fun to snuggle up together reading a book or listening to one on CD.


Edited 7/4/2010 12:10 pm ET by tryingtoquit
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 12:46pm

I am bored, so I will give it a go.

"On the other hand, it is very rewarding, because you know that your love and patience and teaching and guidance is benefiting your little child in a wondrous way."

I think this is true regardless of work status and parental status (mom or dad).

"Another of the positives of being a SAHM, in my opinion, is that you get to create your own schedule and be the "boss" of yourself and your time. You are the captain of the ship, and there is a lot more flexibility in your schedule, as you call all the shots."

This has not been my experience. My schedule is more ruled by my children' schedule than their schedule ruled by mine.

"Daycare costs are usually more than women make, especially if you have more than two children. That is a negative. Because daycare centers do not pay well, they are less likely to have staff that is of high quality--educated, well-raised, well-spoken,etc. That is also a negative. Just because they seem awesome and attentive when you show up to pick up your little one does not mean that they are like that when you (or the director) is not around. I know this because I have worked in daycare centers for many years."

Costs of daycare can be expensive, but IME, they are not *usually* more than women (or men) make- unless one is in a low level hour type of entry level job. Many parents, like myself, did not just drop off and pickup their child, we spend a full day at the daycare center with our child(ren) before dropping off and returning to work - so we see what a whole day looks like. We also pick up at odd times from time to time. Stand alone Daycare centers, like you are describing, are not the only othercare out there. There are small in home "centers", there are in home babysitters, there are nannies, there is also relative care. Most parents can choose the best type of care for their child. Some dual woh families stagger their work in such a way that othercare is eliminated or significantly reduced. Some dual wohps reduce the hours one or both work during the pre-school years.

"Also, babies are hard-wired to be physiologically connected to their mothers, as we are to them. "

Could you provide a link to this claim. I was definitely not "hard wired physiologically" to connect with my children. Time spent with them (which can be done even if one woh), is what made the bonding take place. Fathers, grandparents, adoptive mothers, adoptive fathers, aunts, uncles, nannies, care givers, any adult really, who spends enough time with a baby can make a bond with a child. I have seen it happen.

"I have also worked outside the home, and I have to admit, it was really nice to put my kids in daycare and know that they were being fed, being put down to nap, and interacting with other adults and children while I was off working. I got to dress in business attire, had intelligent conversations with adults, and was responsible for "important" things---like my boss's business (sarcasm intended). I got used to them being there in daycare. I'm sure they were doing fine, and I had MY needs fulfilled too. I convinced myself that they were having a grand ole time at daycare, because shoot---daycare had a playground and art, and music and dancing and all these other kids to play with, right?"

Okay, so what has "convinced" you that your children suffered when they were in daycare? It looks like you had a good experience.

"You know, it's a tricky subject, folks. Is daycare OK? Or do kids REALLY want their moms, no matter what?"

Why can't Othercare be OK AND kids want their moms (and dads)? Why cant parents work AND be with their children enough to bond and have fun with them? How does being in daycare preclude it?

Children may *want* alot of things. That doesn't mean having it 24/7 is the answer. Children can benefit from being in daycare and can benefit being at home with a parent. Most children benefit either way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 1:08pm
Daycare costs are usually more than women make, especially if you have more than two children.



Maybe if there are more than two kids, but one or two kids I'd have to disagree. When my oldest was in daycare I paid anywhere from $7,300/year to $12,000/year for daycare. My sense in talking to other moms that do not all live where I live, this is a fairly representative range of daycare costs. My sense is also that the more expensive the area you live in, the higher the income and the higher the daycare costs. For two kids that would be $14,600/year to $24,000/year, which is a wide range but I think reasonable. I'd be curious if anyone paid outside this range and if that was a choice or if the only available daycare was higher than this range.



Using 2008 salary data for men and women (excluding Puerto Rico because the salaries are drastically lower than the states), median women's' salaries range from $27k/year to $50k/year for those 16 years old and older, working full time at all education levels. If you look just at college educated over 25 years old, it jumps to a median range of $37k to $68k. Even after taxes, women usually make more than daycare.



babies and toddlers want their moms.



Or dads. I believe babies and toddlers want their primary caregivers, whatever gender that person may be. Where mom or dad is nurturing and responsive to the baby/child's needs, then being with mom or dad might be best. Where the daycare person/group is caring and responsive to needs, then I think daycare is a suitable alternative. Where the primary caregiver is rejecting and not responsive and the daycare environment is more nurturing, then daycare might be best. But overall I agree with your point, and I love being AH with my little ones, I think they have an advantage in early development compared to their older sister. Not because my oldest was in a bad daycare environment, but because the environment was changing, she wasn't with the same people very long. Once I got dissatisfied with one center and I moved her, then she aged out of that one and went to another one, then we moved and she had to change yet again. Her nature is that she would have been better had she been with me all day then separated from me all day. IMO. By contrast, my little ones are mostly with me, and when I do have a sitter they didn't know it until almost 2 yo, and it's been one consistent sitter as long as they can remember.

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Avatar for rollmops2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 12:23am
I am sure that is generally true, but it has not been true for my kid at all. As a baby and toddler she would actively protest/fight if you tried to kiss or hug her. Now that she is a teen, she goes out with friends a lot, of course, and her parents are total dweebs, of course, but she clearly also likes having us around.

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Erica Jong

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 8:31am

But having the experience of working is not the same as having the experience of being a working mom.


but the job in and of itself doesn't change.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 8:35am

no, not weird, just challenging the whole COL thing.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 8:38am

so true.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 9:13am

i returned to WOH when my oldest was 6 mos (1998), the fantastic DCP we found was "expensive" but still affordable even on my modest income..aside from outrageous nanny arrangements (i know what my brothers pay) i do not think DCP, generally speaking is out of reach.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 11:16am

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And that's what I meant. Definitely not meant to be true for every child.












iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 11:34am

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No, the job itself doesn't change. What does change is the logistics surrounding the job. For example, if I had no children, then it would be no problem for me to simply check my calendar and say "yes I can substitute for Professor So-and-So tomorrow" or "no, I can't substitute tomorrow". If I'm a working mom, I have to say "Let me call around to see if I can arrange for a last-minute babysitter". If I had no children, then getting ready for work means taking a shower, getting dressed, eating breakfast, and driving to work. If I'm a working mom, getting ready for work means taking a shower, getting dressed, eating breakfast, waking up the boys, wrestling them out of their PJs and into their clothes, coaxing the toddler to eat while spoon-feeding the baby, changing their diapers, changing myself and the baby into ANOTHER set of clothes because the baby spit up on me, making sure their bags are still packed from the night before (things grow legs), packing the things which have grown legs, loading them into the car seats, dropping them off at daycare, and THEN driving to work in a total frazzle because if you're late one more time you could lose your job. Working and being a working mom is not the same experience at all.












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