My twins are 12 days old and I'm torn (M

Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
My twins are 12 days old and I'm torn (M
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 11:32pm
First, our twins are a miracle to us. After a misscarriage, and two years of TTC, we got pregnant with the twins on our first try at IVF.

Now that they are here, I can't stand the idea of being away from them for a second more than I have to. As it is, they are in the NICU as they were born at 33 weeks, 2 days so need to grow before we can take them home. I can't wait to have them home.

But...I'm also really uncertain of what to do with regard to work.

The short story on us...we own our house outright, have no debt, and have substantial money set aside in stocks, cash, etc. husband hasnt worked full time in a year. He has been looking and looking for work but its hard given his background is very specific, and, he is a green card holder educated abroad (lots of employers in our area don't even recognize his degree). So, I've been the primary earner for the last two years.

If I quit, we'll have no steady income, and will likely have to move overseas so my DH can find work. I don't want to do that and take my babies away from their granparents who also waited a long time for them. And, if I do stay at work, my DH can be home with the twins (we'd also have a nanny in 3 days a week so he could do his consulting work and continue to look for work). So they won't be home without a parent. I could work from home one day a week as well.

I just don't know if I can stand it!

Not sure what kind of advice or input I might be looking for or if this is even the right board....



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 11:46pm
Hey MM, fancy meeting you here - I didn't say congrats on the other board so I'll say it here!

Here's my 2 cents. I think all other things being equal, SAH is best. However, all other things aren't always equal. You need a happy mommy to have happy babies, I think. Especially if you will have to move overseas and so on, it sounds like SAH may cause you a good deal of discomfort (for lack of a better word) in the long run.

I say give it some time. If you have always liked working, I think eventually you will feel the pull to go back. I am a happy SAHM to my 9 month old DD, but I've never been very career-oriented, and don't miss working much at all. I also do a little freelance work from time to time - for a little money, something to keep the resume current just in case, and just to exercise my brain a bit. Baby conversation gets a bit mind-numbing some days, and anyone who tells you different is lying or crazy. ;-) Don't get me wrong - it's not enough to make me want to WOH, but there is a degree of isolation to deal with as a SAHM sometimes - especially if you don't know many other SAHMs.

Personally, I feel SAH is important. But I think it's a SAHP that's important, not necessarily a SAHM. You mentioned your DH would be there most days, and IMO that's great for your babies.

Again, because your income is your family's only steady income - and especially since your family size just doubled - I wouldn't jump off and quit just yet. Give it some time, and maybe see if you can get some extended time off from your employer. I wonder if you could take some additional time especially since they are preemies - like "family crisis" time or whatever. That's what that stuff is for, if your company has it, right? If you hadn't already planned to SAH, now probably isn't the best time to make that decision. Love those little babies, let them grow, take them home, and settle into your new family life. At some point you will be able to imagine going back to work, I think, if that's what your family needs to be financially secure.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 12:44am
Dealing with the NICU is very, very hard. Give yourself some time. Having a baby (or two) in the NICU goes against all hormonal instincts. I would not recommend making any decisions at this moment. Right now you probably need to keep your job because you are going to need the insurance. It costs the hospital $1000/day/baby to keep an infant in the NICU.

When my son was in the NICU, a lot of the mothers of preemies went back to work early so they could take their mat leave once the baby/babies came home. Just something to think about.

Is there anyway you can go to part time? Last year I was working PT and DH was consulting out of the house and it was a great life style. The only drawback was having to make COBRA payments.

I hope your babies are doing well. Just don't make any decisions until you have had your babies home with you for awhile. It is really hard to go home without them. Once you get them home, it will make all the difference in the world once you get them home.

Avatar for bobcatkathi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 1:38am
I had a very premature child the first time. You are in a place being emotionally overwrought. Naturally so. I wouldn't make any decisions for awhile. Get your babies home and strong. Then sit down and weigh all your options. There is no black and white answer that will fit everyone. Congrates on you babies and God's richest blessing on you. You don't have to make any decisions now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 4:49am
I agree with the others. Right now you're not in a good position to make a decision. If I were you, I'd give it time and see how things go once the babies are home.

My son was premature and had a LOT of health problems, and the NICU was my 2nd home for a while there. It's a very hard thing to deal with and I'm glad I didn't have to make any big decisions then.

Congratulations on your twins, and best wishes to you all...


Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 7:32am
This is not something you even have to think about right now.

Rest, enjoy your babies, and don't waste time second guessing yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 11:31am
No parent wants to leave a sick child; none of us would. That's one thing. Also, right now you are still very hormonal, so that's another point. The upshot is that this is not the time to make this decision if you can at all avoid it. If you can, let your children get healthy enough to be headed home before you decide.

When it is time, try to separate what you want, emotionally speaking, from what is best not only for your children, but for your family as a whole. Talk to your DH about how HE feels about being away from the children, and be sure to dig down under his feelings about what he *should* be doing as a Dad (all that dad-as-breadwinner baggage), to what the family really needs from him. It is important to strike a balance for everyone, in terms of "what I want vs. what we need." Each of you, including the babies, should get something from the arrangement, but none of you, including the babies, has the right to get everything you want just because you want it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 11:49am
First off, congrats on your bundles of joy!! I think your post says what you have to do...... go back to work, you are the main breadwinner. Let your dh stay home/work at home and take advantage of the fact you can work at home one day a week as well. It sounds like you know SAH would not be best in your case because you'd have to move away fromgrandparents. Try it out and push your dh to keep looking for FT work, if he finds it, then sah, but right now, it seems like you are the one who *needs* to work. Good luck. And your babies will be fine!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 3:16pm
Hey MM

Wanted to congratulate you on the birth of your twins. I don't have much advice for you but did want to congratulate you. I will pray for you and your family and pray that your twins are home with you quickly.



Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 5:44pm
Thank you!

Everyone is isnt the best time to make a decision. I also agree with you that a parent at home, either one, is important. It doesnt have to be mom...

I think they are going to release my daughter tommorow! So...for all of this month and next I will just focus on the babies. In early Oct. when I have to go back to work (I can't take more time as I'm CEO of this organization...) I'll see how I feel.

Its all a bit overwhelming just now...

MM, Ben & Emma

Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 5:47pm
thanks for the advice.

They might release my daughter tommorow so I can't work to get more leave unfortunately...but who cares as she's healthy!!! They'll likely release my son at the end of the month.

Part time wouldnt work as we'd lose insurance and....I'm CEO of this organization just wouldnt be an option.

That said, I may try to get a few more weeks leave since Ben will be in the NICU till likely the end of August.

And you are isnt the time to try to make life altering decisions. I'm full up on life altering events:-)

MM, Ben & Emma