Need Opinions...SAHM or Work

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Need Opinions...SAHM or Work
585
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:36pm

Hello

This is my first post to this board. I have been lucking for quite a while. I am currently a SAHM during the week, I work weekends. I am contemplating going back to work fulltime and am very anxious about putting my four year old in daycare. I have tried it twice and failed. I cannot stop worrying about him. The first time I tried to put him in a moms morning out program he had to be taken from the car by force and it ripped my heart out. I spent the entire 4 hours feeling guilty about leaving him. This continued for two months before I just couldn't take it anymore. He is my achilles heal. He is very attached to me because he and I spend a Great deal of time together watching Noggin, Nick and PBS while coloring and playing. I had a very hard time during my pregnancy and during his birth. I love being with him but I also want to get back into the workforce. I know that if I go back to work that I will miss my time with him. I will be working 50 hours per week if I go back fulltime instead of the 20-25 weekend only hours I work now.

What do I do??? Please give me your opinions. Please tell me how you cope with returning to work after being a SAHM for five years. Is going back to work the right thing to do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:11pm

I know, that's not fair! I want to go to hell, too!

I wonder if it would make a difference that I'm considering bagging the whole supervision idea and letting him stay home alone? Think I'll get any satan points for that?


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:14pm

The entire comparison with time started when you made the following statement:

"Unlike the demands of your job, my DH's employment allows him to see the children for hours everyday. But your children don't see you for days or up to a week (?) when you travel abroad. There I can see children's "needs" not being met. But if a child sees a parent every single day for hours, I just don't think the term "needs" is accurate. There, the term "preference" is more appropriate."

Since you clearly state here that my children's needs are not being met due to my schedule, I assumed you meant that I have significantly (and detrimentally) less time with my children than your dh.

"And yet both PNJ and Laura are *now* finally asking me for his actual working hours!"

I haven't actually asked about his daily working hours because I know that you once said something like 9:30 am to 9pm and I vaguely remember that he has an hour commute. What I was unsure about was whether the kids had 3 hours with him in the morning (getting up at around 5:30am) or less.




Edited 10/4/2005 1:16 pm ET ET by cl-laura_w2
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 3:39pm

I'll second that.

What I'd like to know is what is supposed to be different about us because our mothers worked? Personally, I think it's knowing that moms working status doesn't matter. The only people who seem to claim it does matter seem to be self edifying stay at home moms who are too full of themselves to realize that it's parenting that matters not work status.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 3:55pm

"I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 3:57pm

"The opposite has been said by both PNJ and Laura - that they see their children MORE than my DH sees his own children."


No you are flat wrong.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 5:20pm
My woh-xh, myself(woh), my woh sister, woh bil, woh ds, woh close friend, *all* managed to make it to Jaime's college graduation, out of town, as well as all her grandparents, and two cousins from 500 miles away. funny, how our work status had absolutely nothing to do with whether she went to college or not, and us being there or not. wild horses wouldnt have kept any of us away, much less our employers. as a matter of fact, our employers were extremely happy to be able to work it out so as to enable us to be there. sheeeesh!! what a view, huh??
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 5:31pm

"I don't want my DH to work long hours, have much more stress and miss out on doing activities with the boys during the week"

This is one of the nice things about being a dual working couple for us. Neither of us has to take a job that requires long hours. I really don't understand the logic of taking time away from one parent to give more time to the other. How does that result in a better life for the kids?

I could see it if having a parent at home was actually better than parents who use a nanny or day care but it's not. Children simply do not turn out better or worse based on whether or not mom works and uses other care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 5:36pm

Since when does having a nanny mean not having a mother? You talk like having a nanny negates everything a mother does when she is with her children. That is simply not true.

I have to ask one question though. Given your attitude about use of nannies, why are you one? Why provide a service you think so ill of?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 5:38pm
I think it is more common that one spouse will SAH *because* the other works long hours, not the other way around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 5:38pm
Given that mom home with the children is a relatively new phenomena, I have to wonder where she gets the idea that's the way it's supposed to be. Up until recently, only one parent working to support the family was unusual. Mom was often working right beside dad in the field.

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