Nervous to stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
Nervous to stay home?
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 12:46pm

My first child (DS) was born 12/28/2005. DH and I weren't quite in a financial position for me to stay home, so after 16 weeks off I went back to work FT. The plan was that we would get ourselves in a better financial position and I would stay home after number two. Well, #2 is coming sooner than we thought -- due 8/30/3007. I'm thrilled, but suddenly very scared about making this decision.

It should be an easy decision -- work is very stressful. They've decided to give someone (who I have to help hire) my current job permanently and will be giving me a "leadership development role" when I return. HOWEVER, they have no idea what that job will be or when they will be able to tell me -- most likely not until I am already on leave. I've been a very hard-working, dedicated employee for 12 years and I'm not pleased. They keep saying this SHOULD be a good thing, but to say my company is horrible about developing careers is a gross understatment.

I'm pretty well-educated -- bachelor's in engineering and an MBA. I don't mind giving that up, but I'm suddenly very afraid that I will not be a good SAH mom. I know there will be times I'm bored, but I just don't have the confidence that I can be good at it and am afraid that the best way for me to contribute to my family is financially. I love my DS to death and will do as well with the new baby. I really don't want someone else to raise them, but I just don't know if I'm the best person. While DH comprehends my fears, he doesn't understand because he thinks I would do really well SAH.

Did anyone else deal with these feelings of self-doubt and how did you resolve or come to peace with them?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 1:58pm

First of all, you're not "giving up" your bachelor's degree and MBA. And second, you won't be parenting in a vacuum. If you do leave your job, you need to have a network in place of other SAH parents so you won't suddenly isolate yourself. This is the biggest mistake parents make, thinking that they've given up a great career and now have to wing it as a SAHP all by themselves.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, what do *you* want? If your company is truly horrible about developing careers, do you really want to go back? They don't own the 12 years of hard work, you do! You can take your employment history anywhere. Just make sure you have a few people who can give you references and make a clean, honest break.

If you really do want to go back to this company, you need to get something in writing outlining what your role will be. I can understand why a company would be reluctant to spell it out; they've probably had experience with other mothers leaving and not coming back, so if you're serious about returning, you need to give them a timeframe.

BTW, babies are boring, as you well know, but this doesn't mean you have to be bored. You can get involved in your area with other SAHPs, many of whom will also have left high-powered careers. One of my friends used to ask when she was invited to a gather of SAHMs, "Is this a resume party?" What she meant was "are we all going to brag about how important we used to be in the world or can we just get on with our lives now?"

To make the whole SAHM thing work for you, that's what you'll have to decide to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 2:38pm

You and I are similar in a few ways. Education - I have an MBA too. Children - I am only a little ahead of you with one born in 03 and my second in Aug 06. I too was not sure if I was cut out for being a SAHM.

I am back at work after a year off with the kids. I had fleeting moments when I considered staying at home. But I realized working is the best thing for my family in the long run and luckily it is also the best choice for me.

You can only go with what your heart tells you but my only advice is to be sure you make an informed decision based in reality instead of emotions.

Personally, as a working mom I don't think anyone else is "raising" my children. Caregivers look after the basic needs of the children and perhaps education of the child. You and your husband will still be the main role models in your children's lives. You will still be the decision makers in your children's lives.

If work is stressful and you don't like it it may simply mean looking for a job you like better I don't see it as a reason to stay home.

In terms of an informed decision it may be good to talk to moms with your same skill set who tried to re-enter the workforce after being away for however many years. I can't really speak to that but I know most employers do not look favourably at people who leave the workforce for any extended period of time. Not fair maybe but true.

The other thing to consider is risk. Are you in the financial position to have one income? The risk of divorce, death, sickness, is high are you willing to accept that risk? For me I know I am not. I grew up in an ecomonically depressed area and I value security for my family highly. But it depends on your level of comfort with risk. Just make sure you are informed on what you are giving up.

If you make an informed choice and you decide to SAH the very fact that you are concerned about being good at it probably means you will be. I was worried about it too but I think I did a good job during the two years I had off (first year of each child's life). But remember no one is perfect you won't do everything right and that is ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2001
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 11:38pm

Whether you are at home or not, you are raising your kids.

I don't know what to tell you about the job.

Avatar for phyreblade
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 12:05pm

Did anyone else deal with these feelings of self-doubt and how did you resolve or come to peace with them?

Well, at least I can say I think you're perfectly normal, hehe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 11:22am
Just wondering if there are any teachers out there who have been stay at home moms or who have gone right back to work after a year or less. I am not a mother yet, but I plan to be within the next couple of years. I wanted to hear people's opinions about being teachers and why they made the choice they did to stay at home or to return to work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 12:27pm

I am not a teacher but I do believe that working in the school system is the greatest thing once you are the parent of a school age child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 12:53pm
ita..i'ev always thought the most ideal jobs after children were teachers.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 5:08pm
I think Carol who posts often is a teacher. I think she mainly WOH. There was another poster who was also a teacher and recently started SAH. I don't think she comes around anymore. Probably best to post a thread. Also you may want to consider posting in the board below. I think it says personal Not for debate, otherwise you may end up debating people instead of getting advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 6:31pm

I'm a teacher and have been a wohm for 16 years, teaching for 17 years. It's probably one of THE most family friendly professions out there. Done by about 3 pm in the afternoon, holidays & weekends off, 3 weeks off during the school year, 10 weeks off in the summer....

Then there's health insurance and, over time, seniority (some ability to pick and choose which assignments you want). You will never get rich in teaching, but the trade-offs are SO worth it -- at least they were for me.