new here -- what about SAHD

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
new here -- what about SAHD
6
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:07pm
I appologize if this topic has already been covered. My husband stays at home with our two year old daughter. He has been home with her since my maternity leave ended. My salary was higher, my benefits were definately better and after the cost of daycare and communting, it wasn't worth it for him to remain at his job. He started a small at home business which is actually doing nicely.

I am used to having people disapprove of my decision to work as well as my husband's decision to stay home. I remember taking a baby care basics class at the hospital. The nurse actually said "working mothers are the reason things like Columbine happen." And after bashing fathers repeatedly for being inept at child rearing (children are most likely to get hurt when they are with thier fathers, when babies cry - fathers go golfing), my husband told her he was staying home. She said, as long as you have your Mom on speed dial, you will probably be OK. We have had numerous little comments and snipes over the past two years and to tell the truth, it really ticks me off.

My daughter is happy and confident and that is all that should matter. Being a good parent shouldn't be tied to whether you work or not.

Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:17pm
>>>I remember taking a baby care basics class at the hospital. The nurse actually said "working mothers are the reason things like Columbine happen." And after bashing fathers repeatedly for being inept at child rearing (children are most likely to get hurt when they are with thier fathers, when babies cry - fathers go golfing), my husband told her he was staying home. She said, as long as you have your Mom on speed dial, you will probably be OK.

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I would have reported that nurse. Biased, insensitive, and downright INCORRECT statements such as she made have NO place in a new parent/baby basics class.

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 2:01pm
It's hard not to care when so many people seem to be against you. I am sorry you run into that. If I made more money than dh he would SAH. We both worked for many, many years. I do not feel that I am a better mother now that I am home, nor do I feel I was worse mother when I was working. We just do what we think is best at the time.

Good luck to you.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 2:09pm
UGH! Whether the father works or sah is neither here or there. But I hate the way some make such comments like what you said in your post. I'm sure there are some fathers out there in the world like that but I tend to believe from my own experience growing up and from seeing my husband as a father (and other fathers in the family and friends) that more of them are nurturing, caring, and plenty capable!

I remember my dad making bottles, giving baths, cuddling, spoon feeding, cooking dinner in our family. My husband learned to fix the formula bottles after DS and I came home from the hospital and taught me, continued to help me for the next 15mo fix bottles. He gives baths, takes DS to swim lessons and sits right there and watches him, spoon fed, cuddles, and cooks dinner and cleans house all while watching DS just as capable as I do.

And the "have your Mom on speed dial" comment, ugh! In 7 years of parenting my DH has yet to have to call his Mom to ask a parenting question when he is left alone with his child. My brother often cares for his 2 kids (2 and 6) while his wife goes out, runs errands, etc. and he doesn't call my mom. He also gives baths, cooks for them, cuddles and plays with them, attends to their boo boos without having to call his Mom or wife, and makes bottles.

Being a good parent doesn't have anything to do with whether you work out/in the home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 7:24pm
ITA!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:26am
Just had to respond to share this one...my DH was a SAHD 18 years ago. Well, if you think attitudes today are a little negative... shall we say, it was worse then. He was not my DH then, but his wife had the higher income as in your case. They decided that their daughter should have the benefit of her first year at home - BM went back to work when DD was only 6 weeks.

I thought it was wonderful - and that is what attracted me to him in the first place - he is a very nurturing soul. He and his DD have a very close bond. While he did not SAH with our children, he continues to be a very active parent. When he is home it is at least 50/50, although sometimes 60/40 because he likes for me to take time to myself in the evenings. Anyway, certainly in our case, neither of us is a better parent by virtue of our gender and it is a sad stereotype.

JMO

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:09pm
While I wouldn't want my dh to be a SAHD, I know that he is as capable as I am as caring for our children. Neither one of us knows more about them than the other. We are each better at certain things though. I do resent the fact that women make men out to be incapable of handing children. Although, I do know a few that NEVER changed a diaper in their child's life. My dh was harassed by a good friend of ours for changing our sons diaper during a football game when I was right there. My dh could handle his own on this one.