Numbers of SAHMs increasing
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| Sun, 10-12-2003 - 3:41pm |
http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2003/10/12/stay_at_home_mothers_finding_theyre_not_alone/
Stay-at-home mothers finding they're not alone
By Patricia Wen, Globe Staff, 10/12/2003
FRANKLIN -- It's morning on Greystone Road, and the routine looks like a flashback to a 1950s neighborhood: Fathers jump into their cars for a day's work, while their wives, holding babies and toddlers, wave goodbye. But on this block of $200,000 split-level and ranch homes, the women insist they are not modern-day housewives. All of them, they point out, graduated from college and worked for at least a decade before having their first child in their early 30s.
"We are our own generation," said Rebecca McLean, 32, a former personnel recruiter who stays home with her 6-month-old son, Derek. "We're doing it our way."
These residents of Greystone Road are part of a new shift in family life: More married couples with young children rely on their husband's income. After years of increases in the number of working mothers, census figures show the first significant rise in stay-at-home moms. In 1998, 41.3 percent of mothers with infants stayed home with their children; in 2000, the figure rose to 44.8 percent.
The trend is clear on Greystone Road. Stay-at-home mothers and full-time working fathers occupy four of six homes. Retirees own the other two.
Even though the women earned more than enough money to boost their families' total income and cover day-care costs, the parents on this block chose to cope with the financial pinch. For example, they sacrificed having a bigger house to be at home with their children.
The fathers, too, say they are far from being the Ward Cleavers of 2003 -- quick to change diapers and wash dishes, and equal partners with their wives in trying to offer the best life for their children.
"We all married when we were older," said Mark Collins, 41, He is an occupational safety manager who, with his wife, Christine, 34, have a toddler, Allison. "I lived in the North End for 13 years, eating out whenever I wanted. Now it's homebody time."
The increase in stay-at-home mothers is most pronounced among college graduates as well as white and Hispanic women. There also is a rise of stay-at-home mothers for older children. Last year, 10.6 million children under 15 in two-parent homes were raised by stay-at-home mothers, up 13 percent in slightly less than a decade, census figures show.
Researchers have identified Generation Xers, now loosely defined as those in their 20s and 30s, as leading the way in taking on this more frugal -- and, they hope, less frazzled -- lifestyle. If they cannot afford to rely on one income, or both parents choose to work, many are demanding flexible work schedules or limited hours to help meet their children's needs.
Today's new mothers feel less need to wave the banner of feminism, and "staying at home is more culturally acceptable," said Stacia Ragolia, a vice president at iVillage.com, a popular website for women.
"If they work, it may be that they have something to prove to themselves, but it's not about proving something about women's role in society," said Michelle Poris, a director at Yankelovich, a national marketing research firm, who has tracked differences between Generation X and baby-boomer parents.
In addition, while some Generation X parents may leave the work force because of the nation's poor economy, many others arrive at this decision because "they're nostalgic for something they never had" in their own upbringing, Poris said.
This generation, they say, grew up with peak divorce rates, high maternal employment, and expanding day care, and are well-versed in the crushing body of literature about the pros and cons of each trend.
The Greystone Road parents also are part of a generation that has put in many years of full-time work and had a long time to think about how to raise their children. The average American woman now has her first child at age 25, compared with age 21 in 1970. In Massachusetts, the average age a woman has her first child is 28.
After watching her divorced mother raise eight children by herself, one stay-at-home mother on Greystone Road said she was determined to carve out a different life for her two young daughters. "I wanted to make sure I had a good marriage and found someone who had the same values as I did," said Julie, 39, who asked that her last name not be used.
New approaches toward family life are starting to influence the way companies peddle products. Increasingly, companies are introducing distinct advertising campaigns aimed at Generation X parents, instead of offering what one marketer called "warmed-over boomer campaigns." In launching its new 2004 Nissan Quest minivan, company officials began ads with the slogan, "Moms have changed." In these commercials, women drivers are depicted without children, using the minivan's storage space for their own guitars, surfboards, or horse saddles.
The ads don't differentiate between working or stay-at-home mothers, but are designed to get away from the "soccer mom" stereotype often associated with baby-boomer women.
"We are speaking to the woman behind the mom," said Kim McCullough, Nissan's senior manager for marketing.
Companies throughout the country are waking up to the distinctive attitudes held by Generation X parents, from how they juggle work and family to how they spend vacation money, said James Chung, who operates Reach Advisors in Boston, a youth-oriented market-research business. This past week, Chung, 37 and a father of two, started a national survey of his own generation's attitudes toward family life and children.
He has speculated that the recent shutdown of the women's professional soccer league can be blamed, in part, on marketers' failing to recognize that today's parents need fresh promotional campaigns, not ones in which they are lumped with all the other "soccer moms."
Along Greystone Road in Franklin, residents said they don't see themselves as trying to make any collective statement. They had never met until they each moved, one by one, onto this small residential street.
In fact, when Christine Collins first moved into the neighborhood in 2000, the 31-year-old teacher worried she would be lonely when she would finally stay home after her first child was born. There was no one in the neighborhood in her age group.
But by the spring of 2001, the McLeans and then the Cunninghams -- married couples in their 30s with no children -- had moved in. Within the last three years, each couple had a child, and Christine Cunningham is expecting a second. During this time, another couple, who had two toddler girls, moved in.
In their morning chats in the yard these days, the mothers occasionally talk politics, though mostly they talk about who slept through the night and other family topics. The husbands also have gotten to know each other. Scott McLean, 35, a controller at a Boston advertising company, is getting home renovation tips from contractor Colin Cunningham, his 32-year-old neighbor.
Each couple says they expect they may someday want two incomes to help support the cost of a larger home and more vacations, as well as their children's college educations. The women hope their decision to stop work doesn't set them too far back in their professions.
For now, however, they save money watching for store sales, and sometimes going to secondhand children's clothing stores. They see their division of labor -- mom staying home, dad going to work -- as the right decision.
"For this generation, it's a choice," said Jill Cunningham, 33, a former executive assistant who lives in her two-bedroom ranch with her husband, Colin, and their 22-month-old son, Luke. "My husband and I are both conscious of that. He doesn't come back at the end of the day, stick his feet on the couch, and expect dinner."
Patricia Wen can be reached at wen@globe.com.
© Copyright 2003 Globe Newspaper Company.

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I felt I would be a lousy mom if I didn't attack parenthood with the same zeal as I had for my career. I hit the child development books in the same way as I would have for a work project. This is part of the reason why, for me, parenthood has been as interesting, challenging and fulfilling as the work I was doing before. Sure, occasionally I miss the days when I could go get my hair cut without taking a stroller and diaper bag, but it's been worth the sacrifice.
Maybe I'm not all that good at managing my time...but I don't know why people think that SAHMs have all this free "me" time. I used to have time to get my hair done and work-out at the health club. I don't have any time for that now! Of course, I have an infant now, so I have double vision from the lack of sleep!! What energy I do have goes toward helping out at school or church. And I know that the feminists among us poo-poo this but I do try to have nutritious meals prepared when possible...so we can eat together as a family.
One of the main benefits we have right now is that I can get all the mundane stuff done (shopping, laundry (remember we have a baby!), meals, etc.) so our weekends are all family time. I think I would have a nervous breakdown if I worked all week...missed so much time with my kids...and THEN I had to spend Saturday morning getting the oil changed in the car. I would feel I had no "real" life at all.
Also, if I ever had to get the oil changed on Sunday, I'd likely take one or both of the boys. We try to do most of our errands during the week, but they like to come with us usually so that's not time spent away from the kids.
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Your description of attacking parenting with zeal, and therefore finding it fascinating, made me think of one of my favorite memories from when DS was very small. He was about 8 weeks old and was seeming fussy and discontented about something one morning, and if I had been occupied with other things, it would have been easy to write it off as being gassy, tired, whatever. Instead I put him atop his changing table and got close and really watched him, and I figured it out - HE had figured it out that his hand was "his" and that with effort, he might be able to control what it did. His face was wound up in ferocious concentration as he started guiding his hand toward my chin - when he finally got his little fist in contact with my face, he burst into the most exultant smile - only then to get one of those spasms of excitement that babies get where they wiggle uncontrollably, and of course then his hand went flying too and he got mad and had to start all over again, LOL! (This is the story that makes up for me that I missed his first steps, which the little bugger did for DH while I was cooking that family dinner, LOL!) And of course there are many, many SAHs who just mark time with their kids, and many, many WOHs who are every bit as attentive as I - I just don't want to miss a minute more than I have to. And being a perfectionist at work, I wouldn't want to take only part responsibility for projects there either, so I can't see how doing outside work before DS is in school for a substantial part of the day would be anything but frustrating and unsatisfying for me. I accept that for some it's great, and that for others it's necessary, but it's neither for me.
Enjoy!
Your post made me think of a vacation we took when my DD was three years old. Prior to having kids, our vacations were, of course, very adult oriented events. On the trip with our DD, we visited our single brother who couldn't understand why we would travel all the way to the mountains and not take a big hiking trip. He didn't understand that the wonder and excitement we had simply by taking our DD on the easy walking trail and watching her put her hands into a cold mountain brook for the very first time. Seeing the joy radiate from her was worth more than 10 "adult-only" hiking trips for us. That IS the good stuff...
Well....yes it did.
PumpkinAngel
Would you have been offended if she had said WOHMs largely run the community? Heck, maybe it's true, in which case, there is nothing to be offended at, it just happens to be true in her community.
I made no comment whatsoever on sah. You need to get a grip.
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