Other adults correcting your kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Other adults correcting your kids
17
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 8:06pm
what do you, or would you do when other adults correct your children in front of you? especially when you dont feel they dont need correcting. this has happened to my children in front of me a few times, and it absolutely makes my blood boil. dh has an ex-sil(i never did, nor do i now claim her) who did not like boys and made it known. her girls would tattle on my boys about things that didnt even happen just to get him in trouble. i could tell from the whole senario, they were falsly accused. instead of telling her daughter to let their mom handle it, or to come tell me, xsil took it upon herself to hollar down at my son in front of me(during one occasion). i proceeded to call him up(they were playing in the basement) and told him to stay upstairs where i could see him, or go do something away from the girls, for his own protection. this happened quite often with her, and i am soooooo glad she is an x now. my mil would occasionally try to drop my kids off at this x's house to play, and i made it very clear i did not want the x soley in charge of my boys. my mil said, "oh, she wont hurt them". i said, no she wont, but we all know she does not like boys, and i wont put my sons in that position.

it has happened at other people's homes too, where my kids did not "know all the rules", and instead of telling me, would just yell at my kids right in front of me. we were visiting another relative with a baby, and the mother wouldnt let my children play with the baby's toys, because they were the baby's and my kids were "too old". huh??? whats up with that?? they were playing with them, with the baby. they were bored, and were entertaining themselves and the baby.

has this happened to you?? what do you do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 8:24pm
If the person is someone to whom I regularly delegate authority over my kids, such as my mother or a teacher, I'm okay with it, as long as it is done respectfully, as in, "Johnny, I would rather you not run in my house", or something similar. But anything beyond that, or with people not in authority over my kids, no way. They need to come to me, and there was one time when I had to make an issue over it. It just so happens, my child was not at fault, not that it matters anyway. We were in McDonald's, and the kids were in one of those ball pits where you ride a slide to get into it. Well, some 2 year old was in there, sitting right under the slide, my kid slides down and lands on him. The 2 year old starts to cry, and the kid's grandma YELLED at my son, something to the effect of "hey watch what you are doing, you could have looked first to see if he was down there, how would you like it if I slid down and landed on you....etc" Well you can just imagine my reaction. I didn't care if she was an old lady, I stomped over to her and gave her a piece of my mind. You don't mess with my kids. : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 10:16pm
I have to say this....if a child is in my house and their parent is there, I would tell the parent what the child has done wrong. But, if the child continues and the parent's way of correcting it is not working, then I would politely ask the parent to keep their child in their sight and next to them or they must leave.

Now, if the parent is NOT there, then I will correct the child. Of course the parent woudl know this before they left their child in my care. So I would assume their allowing me to do the correcting if they leave them.

Another situation, which I find different, is when the parent is there and the child does something to ME personally. For instance, cursing, hitting, etc. To me, to let the child know their limits with ME, I feel I would have to correct them, in front of their parents, so the parent would see exactly what was done or said. Children can exagerate sometimes when no one else is around. Why you say? Because that child needs to know that when their parent is not around, they must still respect others. This is only for children who act one way around their parents and another when their parents are not around. Soem children know that you are not allowed to correct them, so they treat you however they want until their parents arrive. Not with me. They WILL respect me with or without their parents.

Tonya
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 10:49pm
My older son seems to get reprimanded a lot by others, when I don't see the reason for it. My dh's SIL is one of the worst culprit. Like yours, she is a "boy hater." She will tell my older son not to do this or that, not to be so loud, etc... at family gatherings when I am sitting right there and thinking he is not acting up, he is acting like a kid!

I have a friend who is very high strung. She will yell at my son for knocking over a lego castle (he's 4, isn't that how they play??). A couple months ago he was playing hide and go seek with her dd and she had to go to the bathroom. He followed her in the bathroom and really got reamed. The mother looked at me and said, "WHY is he going in there?!?" As if I am raising a pervert. I told her he thought it was part of the game and wasn't aware of closed-door bathroom policies. We don't have those around here.

I just let it slide. I don't even say anything to my son about it. I want him to learn to respect other's authority as well as my own, even if their authority is more stringent than mine.

Jill

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 11:58pm
I really haven't had this problem. More like the opposite of it. DHs mom and sister are the type who believe "well, they are too young to understand". Or "they didn't really mean it" when I get onto my kids in front of them. This is a HUGE part of why we rarely associate with them. They were constantly trying to override me as the parent. THAT makes my blood boil. I'm pretty adament about how my kids behave, and I cannot STAND for someone to try and over-ride my authority.

On the other hand, my friends and I all kind of "parent" all the kids when we get together. We all pretty much have the same rules, though some may vary from house to house, but the kids are in and out of each of the houses so much, they know the rules. I don't have any issues with my girlfriend stepping in to tell my son (in a very mommy voice) that he needs to come back and try again because we don't run in the house.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for bobcatkathi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 1:06am
Teachers and church teachers are perfectly welcome to correct my children if needed. No one has ever hollered at my children that I am aware of. I also don't yell at anyone much less anyone else's children. I correct a child if the parent isn't around and they are doing something dangerous. Like swinging on the rail at church. I teach Sunday school so I correct little ones every week. But I do it in a loving manner and for their own safety. I have spanked one nephew but my brother told me to do so and it was a gentle swat on his behind. I don't holler at my own children. I am very strict but not abusive. My inlaws don't behave like that. If they did, I don't know how I would react.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 3:33am
It depends on the circumstances. *Most* of the time I would ask my son to honor the wishes of the other adult (presuming that we are on her ground, so to speak) and apologize for not having warned him that rules might be different so he needed to ask. In the case of my ex-BIL, similar to your situation, except my ex-BIL simply didn't like *my* boy, we ended up having to confront my ex-BIL several times, which I don't like (I don't like to correct *any*one in company). Unfortunately, more than once, my son was disciplined by my ex-BIL at my parents house for doing something both I and my parents had previously given him specific permission to do, and as this happened more than once, we were forced to completely countermand his behavior in front of John (and everyone else) so that it would be clear John had been unfairly and unreasonably disciplined. I'm really glad that he's now my ex-BIL and that John is grown. We also had to give John permission to refuse to obey my ex-BIL and the "script", "I'm sorry, Uncle "Herb", but my Mom/Gramma/Grampa has already told me I can do this and that it's okay to do it here, so you'll have to speak with them."

We also had many talks over the years about coping with adults who made unfair, irrational or unexpected (not necessarily unreasonable, but they might seem that way to a child) demands and how to remain respectful, even when refusing to obey (the rare occurence in the case of my BIL; John was always expected to obey adults in positions of authority (their house, their classroom, etc.)) unless long-term circumstances warranted an exception such as with my BIL--and no one else ever did warrant such an exception.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 6:23am
I do not let people yell at my children, I remove my children immediately ... they can speak with them about any inappropriate behavior, but they best not ever yell unless a child is about to be harmed or it's an emergency. I do speak up when I see inappropriate behavior from any child, to not do so gives the perpetrator the feeling I don't care what they do. But yell? NO.

Linda

 

Linda - wife, mother, grandmum                     &nb

Avatar for lola356
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 8:26am
In my home I'm the boss and I make the rules. Sounds harsh but its worked for me.

I have two nephews who don't have rules at home, and the ones that are especially frustrating to me is the fact that their parents allow them to drink coke (they are 4 and 6) and that they eat all over the house. So last week they were over and I asked SIL if she would like a coke and my nephew said "I'll have one too" and my response was: "kids don't get coke in my house, I have some juice for you instead" The child started to whine, but the mother knowing that I can't serve her kids coke and refuse my own child, hushed him.

I may have been correcting him, but I have to enforce my own rules on my house, or i leave the door open for my own son to question the rules....

That being said I wouldn't have a problem with letting a child entertain a baby with it's own toys. And I wouldn't yell at another persons child unless is seemed that the parents were completeing ignoring a danger their child might be placing themselves in.

L.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 11:15am
Another's home, another's rules. I expect my kids to accept this, and I don't mind them gaining hands on experience. They break a rule they didn't know about, they get a reprimand, then they know the rule. A reprimand is a reprimand, I've never had anyone hit or yell (without justification) or anything else. I don't expect the other adults to deliver a complete disertation of the rules to the kids when we show up. How are they supposed to know which of their rules differ from ours? I prefer a reprimand be delivered the first time as what it is - a reprimand, relaying the very clear idea that this behaviour is unacceptable here. Period. Its easier for young kids to understand the rule that way.

My kids have been inappropriately reprimanded/dircted to do something on only two occassions that I can remember, both in public places, by people I didn't know. Both times I approached the offending adult with child in tow, and confronted them. This is where my kids learn not to be doormats. The last time they were old enough I firgured to get something out of a discussion about "adults not in charge of them" vs "adults who are in charge of them" and what to do when authority of an adult was in question. I figure they've heard "Well you should have known that wasn't allowed without being told " or "Yeah, well, now you know the rule, stop crying, go play and don't do it again" enough times that they won't mistake this for a good reason to ignore properly placed authority.

Avatar for cl_annieb67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 12:30pm
It has never happened with us. My children don't ever, not once, need to be corrected.

Ok, seriously :O)

It doesn't bother me. Every home has different rules. My children may not be aware of those rules, and I expect the adult to make them aware. And those rules are to be followed. Period, end of story.

However, if my children are treated unfairly, ever, then theirmother makes sure neither she, nor her children, will ever darken THAT door again.

If my children are wrong, I expect them to be held accountable, and corrected.

I will expect NO less from an adult. If they treat my children unfairly, I let them know.

Of course, the latter has to be ovious unfairness, not to be confused with what my children *perceive* to be unfair.

And, we've learned along time ago places we won't visit, because it doesn't matter WHO started what, it's always someone elses kids. I'm sure you know the type. We just don't bother going to those places. It's not worth the stress to me, or the kids.

"There in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I close my eyes, feel their beauty and follow where they lead."

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