Parenting and Guilt.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Parenting and Guilt.....
56
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 1:16pm
Over the course of the last few years I've been noticing this trend of parents feeling guilty over saying no to their kids. What it mainly has to do with is material things or to doing something. I have read numerous article in parenting magazines and on tv shows. It doesn't appear to be really a SAH/WOH issue. It looks like it goes right across the board. (Although there used to be the old WOH have to buy their kids love, blah,blah,blah).

So, what amazes me are these parents who feel guilty saying no to their children's request for things etc. I was talking to someone at a dinner party a while back who was talking about how she just can't say no to her kids (I think they are around 6 and 7) She ws going on how she feels guilty etc. I asked her why and she really couldn't give me a concrete answer other than she doesn't want to see them sad so on and so forth. I got the impression she didn't really know why she said no. Anyway, I was telling her how I felt no inkling of guilt or remorse if my child asks and I say no (he is 3) She looked at me like I was some freak of nature because I didn't feel these supposed inborn feelings.

So I ask....What is the flippin deal with guilt over saying no to our children. If your children are well provided for and have what they need, WHY would someone feel guilty saying no to that new gameboy game.

Or maybe I am the meanest mom in the world. :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 1:39pm
No guilt here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 1:53pm
Nope. Somedays I say no so much I sound like a broken record. No you may not have more candy. No you may not carry the baby around by her foot. No you may not drop the cat out the window to see if she lands on her feet. No you may not go swimming in the lake. And on and on.

My dad always told me that our house was not a democracy.

I have a cousin who refuses to even use the word No around her toddler. She doesn't want anyone else to either. She wants "free-range" children, whatever that means. She's about to put him in DC to go to work, wonder how well that's going to work out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 2:11pm
I can not stand it when I am in public and there is some mother saying, "Honey, please stop. You are hurting Mommy." Usually, the child is either hitting or tugging hair. They always sound so wishy-washy and the child never stops. I always tell my child-no, stop and name a consquence if they don't. I really do not think children's self-esteem is hurt by telling them no despite the "experts"

Last week, Zak (6) wanted to go to a carnival that was sub-par (it was on the Dollar General's parking lot) and expensive. I told Zak we would not be going. He begged and I still told him no. He asked DH who told him no. We told him we were saving money for the county fair which is awesome. He survived and he won't be in therapy for it.

Kristi

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 2:28pm
Free Range child! OMG that is hilarious. I have neve heard that before. I agree that it is going to be a rude awakening to that child (not to mention a great diservice among other things) to find out that he/she is a free range child in a rule bound society.

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 2:33pm
You can't be the meanest mom in the world, because I hold that title. ;-) I was told that just last night when I wouldn't let my sons go swimming at their friend's house at 9:00 at night.

I have no problem saying "no" to my boys, and I don't feel guilty in the least. I've never understood people who do feel guilty for saying "no." Kids need to have boundaries and DH and I are there to set our kids' boundaries.

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 2:35pm
OMG! My dad told us that our house wasn't a democracy, and that's what I tell my kids! LOL! And the "free-range" child statement is a riot! I know some people that won't say "no" and won't let others say "no" to their kids. That is definately NOT my style.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 2:42pm
I have no guilt. I say no. Some days I will even scream it.

Jill

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 3:22pm
I see no need to feel guilty. I say yes to what I feel and I say no to the other stuff. I don't even think about it the second time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 3:40pm
No, I'M the meanest mom in the world - trust me, just ask my kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 3:42pm
Well, some days, just to mess with their flippin' little minds......

When the sentence/request begins with "Mommy...I just KNOW you are going to say no to this....." I usually give a yes. :O) Can't have them getting too comfortable, ya know.

The only time I do feel quilty about saying "no" is when it's a request to stay at a friends house, and I *know* things about the parents/family involved. I'm bound by confidentiality not to say anything. So, I've come up with "you just have to trust me on this....." But saying no with a valid reason? Nah...not guilty at all.

But then again, I rarely say no. They know what I will and won't let them do. If it's on mom's "top ten", they don't even ask. They asked me once if they could slide off the small connecting roof onto the 6 foot snow bank below. Why the hell not? Man...that was just plain FUN :O) So, how many other parents do you know give their kids permission to slide off the roof?

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