Personal Experiences influencing our adult choices and some mind wandering

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Personal Experiences influencing our adult choices and some mind wandering
52
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 12:27pm

I have a friend who has been living with a man for 20 years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009

Divo would cost my dh way more than to have me around ;)

Dh and I have never even brought up the word divo, we did not get married to get a divorce, its just not in our vocabulary. From his own expereince with being a adult child going thru a divorce, I would assume it is not something he would want his own kids to go thru.

I agree with you about the finaces and marriage, there is so much more to a marriage than finances. FInances may cause a divorce but imo if that is the only reason, it was not much of a marriage to begin with.

Now i have a friend whos dh refused to work, that was part of the reason she divorced him but there was much more to it than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009

Community Leader
Registered: 02-06-2006

In both of our familes, dh and I have young, rushed marriages ending in divorce, and second marriages

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009

I know couples who are divorced who get along very well are very happy and are family, they are just not married anylonger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009

I got married the first time young, he was much older than i was.

I waited until almost 30 to get married the second time.

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Statistically speaking, I believe that people whose own parents stayed married have a better chance of staying married themselves. My situation is similar to yours in that people in my immediate family (parents, grandparents, siblings--with one exception), tend to stay happily married long-term. DH's situation is similar. We have multiple examples of marriages that work and plenty of support in keeping our own marriage strong. The perspective that sah is always unwise (and further, that a woman who sah doesn't really understand the risk she's taking) always seems so limiting to me. I always wonder whether there is ever a point when a person who holds that view would trust in her marriage (and her own capabilities) enough to take a risk, whether it be sah, changing careers, taking a dream job that pays less, retiring early, etc. We always seem to end up discussing extremes on this board. Not long ago, a wohm was arguing that lots of sahms take no risk at all by sah. Here, we have the opposite view that a sahm is doomed to end up working at Walmart. My experience is that neither is true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2009
Divorce has always been in play for my marriage. I am 8 years older than my husband, he was 30 and I was 38 when we married. I had no intention of getting married until we decided to have children together. I'm sure that a man who married a woman 8 years younger would not have the same pessimism(?). I love my husband, but statistics are against us.

We now have 3 children together. We've been married for 15 years, we've shared finances from the beginning, but financial autonomy is important to me and we've done very well financially with mostly my management, as he was pretty clueless on investments when we married. I see no reason to split, we still have a wonderful relationship, but who knows the mind of a 45yo man who can afford to buy a Corvette?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009

"but who knows the mind of a 45yo man who can afford to buy a Corvette?"

Ha....I have a younger hubby too.

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Do you think you will always feel that divorce is in play for your marriage, or do you think there will a come a time (25 years? 35 years?) in the marriage when you will no longer feel that way?
Avatar for rollmops2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009

My brother and I have very consciously tried to do better than what we grew up with, in terms of relationships generally, not just marriage. It is something he and I have discussed at length over the years.

Both our parents and our aunt/uncle were self-involved and childish. There was also a lot of infidelity. When, during the divorce process, my aunt accused my uncle of having been with Y last Sunday, he got most irate (because he had in fact been with X), to the point that he gave his soon to be ex-wife a hand-written catalog of all the women he had slept with during their marriage, with names and dates. My aunt liked to bring this up in front of the kids, as an example of what a turd their father was (which he was, naturally, but still). There was also outright neglect of the children, especially from the fathers.

So, we try to do better than that, to our spouses and to our kids. As far as divorce, you never know. I just hope to live decently meanwhile.

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