The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
1731
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:29pm

I recently read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Relationships" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and was surprised to find I agreed with much of what she said in the book...so I returned to the library to borrow "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and again...I find I agree with most of what she writes. I would have scoffed at the titles alone 12 years ago when I was married, working up the corporate ladder with my 2 year old in dc full time from 11 months on. I thought I had it all.

I ended up divorced and now the 2 year old is 14 and I realized recently how fast she is growing up and that I really missed a lot of time with her and my husband by choice(working).

I am remarried and 3 yrs ago our son was born. I returned to work when he was 10 months and found what I think is the best dayhome I could have...they were amazing and very loving. Our family is very close with them now....I was working(primary breadwinner) and couldn't shake the feeling that I was putting my career ahead of my family when my family is monumentally more important to me than the money I was bringing in. We COULD change our situation to enable me to be at home...so we did and I now wonder why any mother who is emotionally healthy and does not *have* to work for the family to get by....doesn't stay at home? I am not meaning that disrespectfully or sarcastically as I myself did not make that choice with myt first. I resigned 9 months ago. I am proud to be at home even though I wasn't with my first(which I now regret but didn't think I would!). I am proud to send my husband off to work with hot coffee and a lunch I made that always includes homebaked treats....welcome him home to a clean home and wonderful meal...spend my days teaching my son and playing with him; treasuring it sincerely...and being here for my 14 year old daughter whether she needs me to yell at; or hug and talk...or just to stop her from sitting on the computer all day or getting into mischief.

To give you the tone of the books I will give you a couple of excerpts;

"The issue of "roles" in a marriage and family is often a sensitive one. Stay-at-home moms as well as hardworking primary-breadwinner men are not given much respect from our society-at-large. Feminist educators and activists keep trying to squeeze men and women into niches that may simply not be a good match for their innate qualites...as well as their masculine and feminine drives. It is more in the female nature to nest and nurture. It is more in the male nature to conquer and protect. Frankly, the more we ignore the true, inherent masculine and feminine qualites of people, the farther apart we pull them."

"...feminism has brainwashed women to believe that all men are inconsiderate beasts you can't rely on. Therefore, the threat goes, never give up your independence. This mentality has confsed and frightened women into an avoidance of becoming dependant on their men. To protect themselves, women ferociously parry with their men, while denigrating their own desires to tend the home and raise children. Then they call me all angry and depressed... nd they think it is because of their husbands."

So...what do you think?

*edit to correct a typo




Edited 7/11/2007 7:57 pm ET by hi_kimmie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:25pm

The median home price in the state of Texas is $181,000.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:46pm
I can absolutely appreciate that if that were true of my career it may very well have been a different decision. I realize I am fortunate to have that flexibility in my field.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:53pm

I'm not trying to be judgemental at all. My point is that I can be at home with him...there is no preschool options in the area....and I would rather have him at home than in daycare as I do things with him such as go canoeing, hiking, swimming, skiing etc. that are a big part of our family daily life and are not a big part of daycare. I have the basic membership here so I can't actually see my post as I type this so I hope that makes sense...I THINK that's what I was getting at :)

My daughter did not suffer by any means being in daycare or preschool. I missed the time with her...she didn't know the difference; however, getting her to join us in the things we do is very very difficult(hiking, biking, climbing etc.). I am not trying to choose her past times(as she is also involved in her OWN interests such as snowboarding, watching tv, being on the computer, hanging out with friends) BUT we fill our evenings with outdoor activities the way some others might with television or whatever....my son already is eager to do the outdoor things with us as he spends his day doing them with me and just feels they are just part of our day. I am taking a LOOOONG time to get to the point that I just want my preschooler to learn more than just what is offered in a daycare setting which is a big part of why I am home with him.

PHEW.

Sorry for the ramble.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:55pm

So true. I could not have stayed home when we were living in a city where the av'g house price is currently over $500 000; so part of this change that involved me staying home meant we moved to a town where the house prices are under half of that.

HUGE factor in my ability to NOT work.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:57pm

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FTR, you can do those things AND send him to daycare. Not saying you should, but you can.

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What? That has nothing to do with the basic membership. I can see everything I type and I don't have any upgrades either. I think your computer is whacked.

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Oh, only you do those things? Everyone else, especially those who plunk their kids in daycare, fill their evenings with television? BAER.

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Even kids in daycare learn more than just what they learn in daycare.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 4:06pm
Your situation is highly, highly unusual. Very few other regular posters here could survive financially without *either* parent WOH.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 4:10pm

We get it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 4:13pm

"FTR, you can do those things AND send him to daycare. Not saying you should, but you can."

No, he would not be doing those things to the extent he does if he were in daycare. I don't want him in daycare...I want him outside.

My computer is not whacked LOL...I meant(and should have clarified) that I could not see my previous post that I was referring to as the view I have shows only the post I am typing and the one I am responding to. My mistake...I should have clarified further.

"Oh, only you do those things? Everyone else, especially those who plunk their kids in daycare, fill their evenings with television?"

No, I did not say ONLY I do these things; however, when DH gets home and dinner is done we typically throw the canoe on the car and head to the lake OR get on the mountainbikes and go for a trail ride OR go skiing in the winter OR go for a hike.....and I would bet my life that the vast majority of people on this board do not do those specific activities on a daily basis. We are more active and more fit than the average family. That is why we live where we live...so we can have quick easy access to the things that are important to US.

"BAER" What the heck is that? I'm not down with the lingo.

"Even kids in daycare learn more than just what they learn in daycare."

I realize that but kids spending their days in daycare aren't learning the things my son is learning. Again; not saying it is SUPERIOR; just that I want him spending the majority of his time learning things that are NOT in a daycare setting...not fitting them in on holidays or weekends.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 4:40pm
I think that you are given to extremes in your life. Most people manage to balance their own lives and their children's lives a bit more than you think is possible.
Avatar for mkatherine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 4:49pm

"when DH gets home and dinner is done we typically throw the canoe on the car and head to the lake OR get on the mountainbikes and go for a trail ride OR go skiing in the winter OR go for a hike.....and I would bet my life that the vast majority of people on this board do not do those specific activities on a daily basis. We are more active and more fit than the average family"

you know what they say about assumptions.... But anyway if you're not doing these things untl your DH gets home and dinner is done how is that any different from a WOHM's house where we may ALSO do things when we get home from work and dinner is done? I get home from work and after dinner my daughterand I swim for hours or we go on hour long walks or hikes..and it's been that way her whole life. We also do a fair amount of reading or vegging out together and watching American Idol...we also go out at night for theater in the park or free concerts in teh summer time and during the fall and winter she plays soccer and dances all year..and NONE of those activites require me to give up my job...

 

Yes. We. Did.

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